Posts tagged with 'The Bad & The Ugly)'

Worst Double-Date. Ever.

  • Posted on February 25, 2009 at 12:00 pm

I used to date a guy that I refer to as “B.” I wrote in an earlier post how there were six major red flags I chose to ignore, one of them being that he had fucked his secretary. Okay, so technically he hadn’t fucked her. They had gone out for drinks one night after work and she ended up coming back to his basement and he went “downtown” on her. Did I mention that she was married and about 15 years older than B? This little indiscretion happened about a month before I met B and he didn’t tell me about it right away, for obvious reasons. So this sets the stage for what happened when I came face to face with her. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about this incident because I do and say some very mean things and I may have caused the demise of his secretary’s marriage. You be the judge. Did I go too far?

I had just gotten off work when B gave me a call. He said that he and Sheila [the whore secretary] were at a bar down the street. They had just gotten done with an appointment [Sheila had to drive B around because he'd lost his license due to a DUI] and wanted to have a couple of drinks. Did I want to join them? Sheila’s husband, Jack, was on his way, too. B really wanted to put Jack’s mind at ease that there was nothing going on between them. Apparently, Jack had started to become suspicious of their relationship. Well, even though I was tired and had to be at work early the next day, I was sure as hell not going to leave those two alone together.

I walked into the bar and spotted B and Sheila throwing back shots like they were on Spring Break. I was sooo not impressed by her. I had pictured Sheila as this hot little cougar, but she looked more like a roughed-up stray cat. The term “rode hard and put away wet” came to mind. And she was already sloppy drunk which always makes a woman look so attractive. I actually thought less of B (if that was even possible at this point) for hooking up with her. So he introduced us (awkward!) and I ordered a beer. Then the three of us sat in uncomfortable silence. The tension running between us only got worse when Jack showed up.

First of all, I almost shit myself when he walked in. The bar we were at was a casual pool hall and most of the people in there were dressed in jeans and t-shirts. Jack showed up looking like freaking Grizzly Adams! He was wearing a HUGE 10 gallon cowboy hat [we live in Central IL, not Texas] and sporting one of those tacky suede jackets with fringe hanging down the sleeves. To top it off, he had a dark, John Holme’s porn ’stash and cowboy boots. There may have even been spurs on them. I was too afraid to look.

The four of us must have looked like the world’s oddest double-date. Things went downhill quickly. Sheila and B got more and more drunk, Sheila was blatantly flirting with B IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND, and I was sitting there PISSED. So that’s when I started getting mean. Real mean. I basically called Sheila a pathetic, washed up, old drunk TO HER FACE! I have never before or since spoken like that to someone. And I didn’t even like B that much! Why was I acting that way?

B and Sheila got up to pick out a song on the juke box and I’m sure to get away from me. So I’m left sitting there with Mountain Man Jack. I started talking to him and asking him if he thought anything was going on between those two. I asked him if he was embarrassed that his wife was acting that way right in front of him. I knew he was already suspicious so it wasn’t hard to push him over the edge. And man, did that fucker SNAP! Without a word, he got up from the table and started walking in B and Sheila’s direction. I started to think to myself that perhaps I had gone a tad too far and now thanks to me, B was going to get his ass kicked. Jack started SCREAMING at both of them and everyone in the bar was looking at the commotion. Sheila was trying franticly to calm Jack down and I was freaking out. Actually, I was trying to pretend like I didn’t know any of them. After a couple of VERY long/tense minutes, Sheila and Jack went off into a corner to talk and B and I got the hell out of there.

In the car on the way home all B kept asking was, “I wonder what made Jack act like that?” Hmmm, I wonder. B and I broke up shortly after that. This all happened three years ago. I don’t know if Sheila and Jack are still married and I don’t know if Sheila still works for B. Here’s my karmic payback for being a bitch. This past fall, B had his face plastered on billboards all around town as an advertisement for his company. I had to drive past them all the time and relive all the crappy memories of our short-lived relationship.

Pedophile Round-Up

  • Posted on February 24, 2009 at 7:40 pm

Singlesnet

A couple of years ago, my newly single sister turned me onto an online dating website called singlesnet.com. The good the about it was anyone can join for free. The bad thing about it was ANYONE can join for free. Here’s a list of the future serial killers I met on singlesnet.

Screen Name: “The King’s Men”
Profile: This MARRIED man was looking for a second wife to go along with his current wife! He wrote, “I know it’s unusual in this country, but not in other parts of the world. My wife says I can surely ruin any woman for another man.” Um, WTF?!
The Aftermath: The best part of his profile was his picture. It showed his Korean, mail-order-looking wife, KNEELING beside him and they are both smiling away. When I emailed to tell him what a pig I thought he was, he wrote me back and hit on me! Yuck.

Screen Name: “Vinnie”
Profile: Vinnie sent me a message telling me he thought I was cute. This may have been flattering except for three things. First, Vinnie had a patch over one eye (I like to refer to him as “Patchy”) that he didn’t bother to try and explain. And I do think having a pirate’s patch requires even a small explanation. Second, he looked like he was about 60 years old and may have been a Hell’s Angel at one point in his life. Third, Patchy’s note to me was barely literate with so many typos I thought a freaking monkey had randomly punched the keyboard.
The Aftermath: Needless to say, I did not respond to his email, but I will always hold a warm place in my heart for Patchy.

Screen Name: “Don”
Profile: Don was listed as a therapist who worked with borderline personality disorder, among other things. I have no idea what that means. Don was a little odd, but for some reason [bordom/loneliness] I kept emailing him and eventually we exchanged numbers. I had that sick feeling in my stomach that I had just done something terribly wrong and my fears were realized the day he called. Aside from the fact that he sounded just like Buffalo Bill from “The Silence of the Lambs,” he immediately started the conversation off by telling me about a patient he’d treated earlier that day.[Sidenote-isn't that against some oath therapists take?]

The woman had been sexaully abused when she was younger and he had her do something called “cry therapy.” [Couldn't she just cry about it at home for free?] Then he told me about another one of his client’s who’d been plagued his entire life by dreams of his death. Turns out, he was supposed to be a twin and his twin died in the womb so he had to grow next to a dead fetus. Appetizing!

I sat there in silence as he was talking because what am I honestly going to add to this conversation? “Well, my day was rough, too. We almost didn’t make our sales plan!” No, retail and therapy just don’t mix, unless you use retail therapy to make yourself feel better, but that’s a different story. The final straw was when Don asked me if I’d ever heard of the Klinger Personality Test. I said no, I hadn’t heard of it, then I heard pages shuffling on the other end of the line. He asked if I minded aswering some questions. I’m assuming he was trying to analyze my personality. I hung up.
The Aftermath: I stopped using singlesnet after that.

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