Dude, We Gotta Go…I Just Sharded

• Posted on January 25, 2010 at 5:24 am

Every time I want to lose weight, I start exercising hard-core for about a month and count every calorie that passes through my lips. I inevitably loose ten pounds right away and then…nothing. I get so frustrated that I eventually stop working out altogether and start eating a nutritiously balanced diet of Frito Lay Queso Dip and Scoops.

I’m thinking that I may need some help in the dieting department and I’m considering buying those Alli diet pills to help me in my personal fat battle. On the one hand, I feel very confident in it’s ability to block the fat absorption in the body because it is the only diet pill that’s approved by the FDA. On the other hand, one of the side effects of taking Alli is “oily gas.” What the hell is “oily gas?!” Is that when you go to fart and accidentally shard yourself?! Is calling it “oily gas” the classy way of saying, “Look Fatty, you may shit yourself while taking this drug, so wear dark panties for awhile and be prepared to run for dear life to the nearest bathroom at a moments notice. Good luck!”

Am I willing to shard myself in order to lose weight because I have to squeeze myself into a bridesmaid’s dress in four months? Yes, yes I am. Any diet pill that’s good enough for Wynonna Judd is good enough for me. Let the dieting begin!

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