Posts tagged with 'Sexy Times'

Time To Spank Your Son, Oprah

  • Posted on December 8, 2009 at 12:19 am

Tiger 1

I would like to state for the record that I have NEVER liked Tiger Woods. I never bought into all the, “he’s America’s son,” bullshit that Oprah was spewing fourth when he first become well-known. I think golf is a crappy, waste of time “sport” and the only good thing about it is getting drunk as shit while you’re trying to play. I could smell douche bag on Tiger a mile away. There was just something a little off about him and those goddamn over-size chicklett teeth freak me the fuck out. They are ALL I see when I look at him.

That being said, I’m not writing this post to bash on him for cheating. While I certainly don’t agree with committing adultery, I also don’t think he’s any different than 99.9% of all male professional athletics in this world. He’s a very famous man with tons of money and he’s surrounded by people who’s only jobs are to make his life easy as hell and be at his beck and call. He believes he’s entitled to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And it doesn’t matter that his wife is gorgeous because he was going to cheat on whoever his wife was, regardless of her looks. The hard truth is, most people (famous or not), eventually get tired of bumping uglies with the same person over and over.

What I’m going to bash him for is being SOOOO terrible at cheating. The list of his women is now up to nine and most of them are cocktail waitresses (way to aim high, Tiger) with a porn star thrown in just for good measure. Do I think all these women are telling the truth? No. Do I think at least half of them are? Yes. He really couldn’t find a way to be more discreet? He really thought that NO ONE, including his wife, was EVER going to find out?! Couldn’t one of his fellow pro-golfers take him aside and show him how it’s done? I’m thinking maybe they wanted him to get caught. Maybe they were sick and tired of his very fake, squeaky clean image and they wanted to bring him down a few notches. Possibly get him to drop out of tournaments from the embarrassment of it all, so someone else would have a shot at winning. What if one of them even tipped off his wife? I’m not big on conspiracy theories, but this one is starting to make a lot of sense. Only time will tell how this all gets played out.

And just so no one feels too sorry for his wife, let’s remember, she will walk away from this marriage with MILLIONS and MILLIONS of dollars. I think the only real victims in all of this are Tiger’s two children and his now irreparable reputation. Hey Oprah, time to give your “son” a good spanking and send him to bed…alone.

Actors I’d Like To F**k: Neil Patrick Harris Edition

  • Posted on August 26, 2009 at 12:04 am

Yes, I am fully aware that NPH plays for the other team. I don’t care. I still REALLY, REALLY want to fuck him. I just can’t get over the fact that this handsome, witty, charismatic and extremely talented guy is the same actor who played “Doogie Howser, MD.” I watched that show growing up and never once thought he was cute. Well, if you had put a gun to my head and forced me to choose between tea bagging Neil or the guy that played Vinnie, I, of course, would have chosen the Doogster. But I digress.

I first discovered what a hottie Neil had become when “How I Met Your Mother” started airing on CBS a few years ago. I give him all the more credit because he plays Barney, the sexist, sex-obsessed, chauvanist character, flawlessly. I NEVER would have suspected him of loving the ‘peen. He MAKES that show. Without Neil, the other characters would be super annoying. Okay… wait, I take that back. I would like to fuck Jason Segal, too.

Anyway, Neil has been great in anything I’ve seen him do. He spoofed himself in the “Harold & Kumar” movies (which I own and can practically quote word for word), he was an AWESOME host on “Saturday Night Live,” and, although I missed it, I hear he was a terrific host of the Tony Awards this past year.

Dear, dear Neil…if you EVER decide to switch teams, may I please be the first the introduce you to the Vadge Hall of Fame? Thank you in advance for your consideration.

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Doing The Hand Jive

  • Posted on August 20, 2009 at 12:14 am

Here’s another chapter from my book, “What Your Mother Won’t Tell You: Brutally Honest Advice For Young Women.” Enjoy!

Once you and your boyfriend start dating there will invariably come the point where the two of you will start making out and he will request one of two things: a hand job or a blowjob. Blowjobs are a bit more complicated and will be discussed in detail in the following chapter. So for now, we will break down the nuances of a great hand job. Depending on how comfortable you are with this boy or how much you’ve experimented up until this point, you may already know a thing are two about this subject.

But I’m going to pretend that this is the first hand job you have ever given so we can go slowly and get all the pointers down. First of all, you need to be prepared! You absolutely need some sort of lubrication to assist you in this little endeavor. If you have nothing, then spit will have to do, but I suggest carrying a travel size bottle of lotion in your purse. I really recommend unscented, unless you want your boyfriend’s dick to smell like roses (actually, this may not be a bad thing). Also, if you follow up the hand job with some oral action, then you’ll have to taste the scented lotion and TRUST me, it does not taste good.

So by this time, you and your man have fooled around a bit and he’s probably semi-hard, if not a full on brick. Start by giving his cock a few good rubs up and down before you take his jeans off. Don’t rush to get his pants off, either, as part of the excitement is the anticipation of what’s about the happen. Slowly and seductively unzip his jeans and pull them down. Again, give his some nice slow hand massages above his tighty whities to ensure he’s fully aroused.

Of course, you still want to make sure that the two of you are still making out while you’re doing all this, so these maneuvers require some multi-tasking abilities. If you are comfortable enough with your body, you can even let your girls out for him to play with while you perform the hand jive on him. Guys are quite visual and love to look at/play with/suck on a good pair of titties.

Next, you’re going to let his little man come out to play. I recommend pulling his undies all the way down as well so that you will be able to massage the balls, too. If you are not comfortable yet dribbling the balls, then you can let him keep his shorts on and just take his dick out through the flap in the front. Grab your lotion (or spit on your hand, which is so unlady like and gross, so I really urge you to use lotion), and put an ample amount on your hand. Honestly, the more the better. Then, slowly massage his cock. Be careful not to use just a straight up and down motion, but twist your hand around WHILE you move it up and down. It’s kind of the same motion you use when twisting the lid off of a soda bottle. Again, you’ll want to start off slow, then build up speed as he gets closer to ejaculating. You should also vary the pressure you use as well. He’ll let you know what feels good.

The head of the penis is more sensitive than the shaft, so really concentrate your movements on that area. If you feel comfortable, then use your other hand to gentle massage his balls. Don’t handle them too hard, as these are a tender area.

Most teenage boys have a hair-trigger cocks and are not going to be able to last more than a few strokes. They should, out of courtesy, let you know when they are about to cum. If he’s not telling you, then just ask. Usually, it’s pretty easy to tell because they’ll start breathing really hard, thrusting their hips, and yelling, “Oh my God, I’m going to cum!” You can then move your hand out of the way so their man juice doesn’t get all over you, or let them finish themselves off.

Here’s where having clean up tools comes in handy (no pun intended). In addition to lube, make sure you have tissues to wipe everything up, and hand sanitizer if you can’t wash your hands right away.

The most important thing to remember is to only do this if YOU want to, not because you feel pressured. And also, make sure he is doing something to reciprocate. Sex is a two-way street and both people need to feel satisfied. Okay, now that you’ve read the basics and feel prepared, get ready to do some stroking!

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The Dutch Oven

  • Posted on May 25, 2009 at 2:27 am

Here’s a familiar scenario…boy meets girl, boy asks girl out on a date, they really like each other and decide to become exclusive, then the girl rips a juicy fart. Okay, maybe that’s not how most dating stories start out, but I’m wondering, when it is finally acceptable to fart in front of your honey? Or is it EVER okay?

I, for one, belong to the school of thought that you should let your freak flag fly early in a relationship so the person knows what they’re getting into. I just see no point in being fake. Where the hell does that get you? I also come from a long line of very gassy individuals and would probably blow up if I tried to hold it all in.

Now, I’m not suggesting you start taking dumps on one another’s chests and roll around in your own waste, but a healthy toot now and then should only strengthen a relationship. One of my ex-boyfriends was fond of farting, then saying, “Did you hear a duck?” Some woman would have been disgusted by that…I found it endearing.

I think one should preferably wait to fart until after the relationship has been consummated. Same goes for peeing, puking, or shitting in front of a sexual partner. Hold off on the uncontrollable stuff until you make them cum a few times. You don’t want to ruin the sexy too early do you?

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When Fuck Buddies Attack, Part One

  • Posted on May 11, 2009 at 12:43 am

At some point in one’s life, you may have a “fuck buddy.” This is a person you do NOT want to date…you simple want to have sex with them. I don’t judge anyone that chooses to take a fuck buddy because I had one for a few months myself. I certainly didn’t start off looking for that, but what can I say, my hormones won over.

I started to date a guy who I quickly found out was a bit immature for his age. He was a nice guy, attractive and somewhat intelligent, but he was also still partying with twenty year olds every weekend (he’s 33 yrs old) and didn’t have a full-time job. Which meant, I got to pay for our dates (AWESOME!) or we split the bill or we just didn’t go out. After a month of this (and other issues I won’t get into) I was done. I ended things and that was that.

But…the sex was really good. So, long story short (and a few dirty texts later) I had him come over for a nooner. And so began our fuck buddy relationship. I was VERY CLEAR in the beginning as to what I wanted…sex with NO strings attached. This is where I think I should have been born a guy because I can easily separate sex from emotion and all I wanted was to call him up a couple times a week, cum like a banshee, and get back to my life. I mean, I have a blog to write, damn it! I didn’t even care if either one of us chose to date other people. Totally fine by me.

My married guy friend thought this arrangement was AMAZING and I would regale him with tales of our trysts. It was so fun, I was very happy and I was finally getting my freak on after a long dry spell. What single man wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement? Well, apparently, I got THE ONE GUY who had a problem with this. He started to get clingy, he wanted me to spend the night, he would want to cuddle and talk afterwards and I just wanted to get dressed and get him the hell out of my place. I started to feel like I was the guy in this situation and he was the big, fat Vagina McVaginastein.

I think I somehow hurt his feelings by not wanting anything more than sex and I’m sure I did treat him like a human sex toy, but was that so wrong? When did guys turn into overly emotional girls?

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Kinky Bitches

  • Posted on April 18, 2009 at 3:35 am

I think women brag to each other about their sex lives far more than men do (or maybe I just know too many kinky bitches.) I have a friend that got it on with a guy on the top of her apartment building, another did it on top of a car that was parked in a residential neighborhood at night, another fooled around with a guy in the stockroom of her store. I fully believe all these encounters took place. What I DON’T buy is when someone tells me they did it a million times in an hour. Okay, a million times is a bit of an exaggeration, but a girl who works for me (who is fond of the chocolate daddies) claims they fucked like bunnies SEVEN times in the back of her car…in an hour. REALLY? I don’t think so.

Why even make up something that lame? First of all, I hardly believe that this guy, even though he is 20 years old and in his prime, was able to get it up that much in such a short time span. No way. And was this “jack rabbit” sex? Did he just drill it in her and bust a nut? Not likely. And what kind of pleasure did she get out of this because she sure as shit didn’t cum that many times. I’ll believe you did it three times, MAYBE four, but no way in hell did he give it to you seven times in an hour. Thanks for playing, try again.

Oh, and if you’re asking yourself, “Brooke, why are your very young employees discussing their sex lives with you,” well, that’s just how I roll. Makes the day so much more interesting. Deal with it.

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Young, Dumb, and Full Of Cum

  • Posted on March 23, 2009 at 12:48 am
Well, at least she has a condom!

Well, at least she has a condom!

When did teenage girls start dressing like complete street walkers? Maybe they’ve always looked like whores and I’m just now noticing since I’m getting older. I work in a mall so I see hundreds of people a week and I want to know where these young girl’s mothers are that let them leave the house half-naked and dressed like complete sluts. The phrase “cum dumpster” comes to mind. What vibe are these girls trying to send out? I will fuck anyone at least once? WHAT ARE THEY DOING?! I’m guessing a father figure isn’t present or he is a creepy dad who is sneaking into little Ashley’s bedroom after mommy passes out.

Sadly, these are the girls who will be working the poles in a few years and contracting a variety of STDs. On top of that, they’ll be knocked up by age 16 and this vicious cycle will just keep repeating itself. I am so thankful I had a mother and father who leaned on the conservative side. I’ll never forget leaving for school one day and my dad thinking my shorts were too short. They were Bermudas and came down to my knees, but at least he was looking out for me.

I would also like to know… when did kids start publicly dry humping each other? I’ve seen couples that couldn’t be more than 14 or 15 yrs old hanging all over each other and tonguing one another like their life depended on it. I don’t want to see anyone, regardless of age, doing that in public. Especially not kids who barely look like they’ve gone through puberty. It’s disgusting. It’s scary to think that they’re not old enough to drive, but they’re old enough to have sex. Awful, clumsy, unprotected, not at all pleasurable for the girl in any way sex. I am praying that if my nephews, who are teenagers, are having sex, that at least they are smart enough to wear a condom and pull that shit out. I am not old enough to be a great aunt!

Purity (Blue) Balls

  • Posted on March 12, 2009 at 12:03 am

Purity Balls

I remember the night my father took me to my first purity ball. I was dressed in a lovely gown that resembled a prom dress. We had a delicious meal and then the pastor came out and announced it was time for us to sign our pledges. I stood up with my dad and he announced that he would protect my purity and guard me against any evil influences. I announced that I would remain pure until my wedding night. Then daddy gave me a beautiful ring as a symbol of my purity. It was the best night of my life.

Oh, wait, none of that happened to me because purity balls are INSANE! I am very strongly against these because there is just nothing quite as pervy as pledging your virginity to your dad. I understand that the point of these things are to encourage a stronger father-daughter bond and that’s great, but couldn’t you just go out to dinner or something? Perhaps a movie? And who are these fathers that think this is a good idea? I get that dads don’t ever want to think their precious baby girl will someday be deep throating a guy’s cock, but do you have to go to this extreme?

How about just being a good father and talking to her about men. Make sure that your daughter has some common sense and isn’t just giving it up to the first schmuck that comes along. If anyone, girl or boy, wants to wait until they are married to have sex that’s fine, but it should be THEIR choice. I read an article where girls as young as four years old are being taken to these things. So then, is it really that girl’s choice, or is she just being brainwashed to think this way from a young age.

And what happens to these girl’s self-esteem if/when they break the pledge? Let’s be realistic, people don’t get married fresh out of high school or even college anymore. So should women ignore their basic instincts as a human being and either marry some dude they don’t love just to have sex (and have that amazing release), or do they make themselves miserable by remaining virgins until they are 30 years old or older? Yeah, these are great choices. Way to set your daughters up for success, creepy dads!

And where are the “purity balls” for boys? I couldn’t find any mother-son events where the son pledges his virginity to his mom. Oh, God, I just puked a little typing that sentence. I think a person’s sexuality should be their own and they alone need to decide what they are going to do with it. I’ll close with a quote on this topic from Eve Ensler, author of “The Vagina Monologues.” She puts things into great perspective.

“When you sign a pledge to your father to preserve your virginity, your sexuality is basically being taken away from you until you sign yet another contract, a marital one. It makes you feel like you’re the least important person in the whole equation. It makes you feel invisible.” Right on, Eve!

The Big “O”

  • Posted on February 19, 2009 at 4:38 pm

I recently read in a magazine that many women are still faking their orgasms on a regular basis. What?! Why would you ever do that?!!! If you fake it, then the guy who’s bumping uglies with you is going to think that whatever he did is working and he will just keep repeating it, you’ll not cum, you’ll have to fake another big O and the viscious cycle will keep repeating itself. Why not be honest with the guy and let them know (in a nice way) that you are not going to cum and they can try something different next time. Or how about speaking up in the heat of the moment and actually telling them what they can do to get you there. How many women out there are cheating themselves out of the biggest, most awesome pleasure known to man because they are too chicken-shit to stand up for themselves. What’s the point of having sex if you’re not going to have the HUGE release at the end? I just don’t understand it.

And that being said, women need to get over giving head. It’s something that I believe is essential to the entire sexual experince, just the same as a man going “downtown” on you. Why do so many women think this is gross or have a problem with it? As a woman, wouldn’t you want to feel like you are keeping your man satisfied? Too many people start to look outside their marriage or relationship for someone to satisfy their sexual needs when stuff like this happens. So to all the men and women, let’s try this little experiment. Number one, be honest with each other in bed about what your likes and dislikes are. Number two, don’t ever fake anything because you are only cheating yourself and how would the guy feel if he knew you’d been faking your O face the whole time. Number 3, everyone go downtown, at least once in a while, so your partner can feel satisfied. Dr. Brooke’s sex therapy session is now complete for the day!

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