Teacher, May I Be Excused To Vomit?

• Posted on August 8, 2009 at 12:56 am

With summer coming to an end and kids everywhere preparing to go back to school, I can’t help but reflect on my own school days. What do I have fond memories of? Is it learning to read, making new friends, or getting an A on a difficult project? No…I only remember each and every time someone in my class puked. Here are some memorable vomiting stories circa 1986-1988:

I remember being in second grade and going to the gymnasium to hear the local TV weather man, Neil Kastor, give a presentation on what it’s like to be a meteorologist. Everyone sat cross-legged on the floor. As a treat, the teachers gave us cheese popcorn to eat while we listened to Mr. Kastor. We were told to be very quiet and not talk or else we would get our name on the board (which was the ULTIMATE punishment). Half-way through Mr. Kastor talking, I could hear that familar gagging sound. My classmate, Jenny, had thrown up all her cheese popcorn, which was still bright orange, and it was slowly spreading across the floor like a giant neon blob. All the kids were too scared to talk or raise their hands, lest we be punished, so everyone just started scooting silently away from the evil orange mass. It smelled wretched. Finally, one of the teachers noticed what had happened and cleaned up the moving stench.

I also recall that same year on Halloween getting all dressed up and having a costume party in the classroom. Everyone was eating candy and having fun when Corey, who was dressed as a vampire, puked all over his desk. And, unfortunately, all his candy was on top of his desk.

Then there was the day, back in 1988, when I was in fourth grade. I can’t remember what was served for lunch that day in the cafeteria, but something tells me it contributed to three kids violently vomiting right after eating it. If memory serves correct, my friend Val was the first to up-chuck. We were at recess in the gym and she puked on the floor. One down, two more to go. After recess was over, we went back to the classroom and started in on our lesson plan.

Pretty soon, Noah was franticly raising his hand. As soon as Miss Blankenship called on him, he stood up and projectile puked all over the floor. It was bad. I never thought that much puke could come out of one kid. Miss Blankenship called for the custodian to come and put that gross pink saw dust crap on it (which I think makes the puke smell even pukier). While all of us were trying to avoid the aisle o’puke, my friend Audrey started gagging. She ran to the bathroom and Miss Blankenship moved us out into the hall because the smell was so fowl. I swear that room smelled horrible for a week afterwards.

I hope as all these youngsters go back to school, they truly appreciate and remember all the new, puke-filled memories that await them. I’m getting misty-eyed just writing about them.

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  • Childhood Memories of the 80's