Posts tagged with 'poop'

The Poop Stops Here

  • Posted on March 16, 2009 at 12:50 am

I’ve had to deal with a lot of shit at work, but one day, I literally had to deal with shit at work. I was minding my own business and selling overpriced makeup at the Lancome counter when an odd looking lady in a wheelchair rolled up across the aisle to the Elizabeth Arden counter.

She was a hot mess. She was about 50ish and just had that “I’m a crazy person” vibe written all over her. The big clue was the fact her wheelchair had the name of the hospital on it which was right across the street from the mall. Did she roll out of her hospital bed and wheel herself across the street to get a makeover? Hmm… Gretel (the girl working the Arden counter) was very nice to Hot Mess and showed her a few things. Gretel was talking to her for about five minutes when all of a sudden, I started to smell something fowl. I looked over and there was a river of brown liquid all over the tile floor in front of the Arden counter. Hot Mess had just shit her pants!

I don’t know the exact conversation that occurred between Gretel and Hot Mess, but the next thing I knew, Gretel was rolling her over to the elevators which were all the way in the back of the store. A steady stream of pooh flowed behind Hot Mess like freaking lava. Everyone became engulfed in the river of vile before they realized what it was. Which meant that they were tracking it on the tile AND the carpet so the whole store smelled like one big diaper genie that hadn’t been emptied for a month.

The cosmetic girls started franticly spraying perfume everywhere to cover up the smell, but all that did was make it smell like shitty perfume. Gretel was gone for a good half hour and when she came back, she told us the horror that had occured in the bathroom. To this day, I can’t imagine what that poor girl went through. First, she wheeled Hot Mess into the handicapped stall and got some paper towels to try and clean her up. But the shit was too deeply saturated in her clothes, so Hot Mess gave Gretel her credit card and told her to just go and buy her a new outfit. Gretel bought the new clothes, then came back to the bathroom, CUT Hot Mess’s clothes off of her, gave her a make shift sponge bath, then got her dressed again.

By the time they left the handicapped stall, there was fecal matter smeared all over the place, so maintenance had to shut the whole bathroom down to clean it. I can’t believe Gretel was nice enough to do all that because there is no way in hell I would ever clean up a shitty stranger. We didn’t get paid nearly enough to do something that disgusting. A couple of days later, Hot Mess came (walking) in and told Gretel how thankful she was that she had done all that for her. Why in God’s name would you EVER show your face in the department store you had just shit your pants in?! I think I would move to another state just so I wouldn’t fun the risk of seeing anyone who had witnessed me poop myself. That, thankfully, was the last anyone ever saw of Ms. Hot Mess McShitty Pants.

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