My Bastard Son

• Posted on March 10, 2009 at 12:18 am

Christian Children\'s Fund

I have an illegitimate Mexican son named Alejandro. Was he the result of a torrid affair with a hot-blooded Latin man? Sadly, no. Alejandro came to me through the Christian Children’s Fund. You know those commercials where the old pervy guy wearing kakis and birkenstocks tells you that for the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you can help feed a hungry child? Yeah, I’m the person that fell for it.

You see, even though I can be very bitchy about many things, I do have a soft spot for orphans [see my post "Poor Kids"]. So one day, even though I had watched those commercials a thousand times before (and usually changed the channel because, let’s face it, they’re depressing) that particular day something struck a chord in me. I promptly got online and went to their website. The first thing I got to do was pick out my kid. It’s fun! It’s like you are shopping for children although it did make me feel a tad “To Catch A Predator.”

I chose Alejandro because he was young (around 1) and he looked like he really could have been the result of a one night stand between me and a hot Mexican. So I signed up and anxiously awaited my “welcome kit” in the mail. It came a few days later and I tore open the envelope as soon as it arrived. Inside was a pic of Ali (my nickname for him) and a letter about his family. I framed the pic immediately and secretly wished whoever took it had wiped some of the dirt off his face, but maybe they wanted him to look really poor/desperate.

The letter described his family. He was the youngest of three kids (I see the family didn’t feel the need to practice birth control) and it listed his dad’s occupation as a peasant and his mom’s as a servant. Hmm, did I accidentally sign up to support a Medieval English family? I mean, are peasant and servant really “occupations?” I think not.

I was excited anyway and wrote my first letter to the family. I also enclosed a photo of myself with my family. The guidlines for photos were very strict. I couldn’t send any photos that showed material possessions such as a car or house, I’m assuming so that the poor people wouldn’t feel even worse about themselves. So I sent a pic of my family sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner and then later realized maybe they would be pissed off to see a bunch of pudgy white people eating so much damn food. I think it was cool though, because I got a letter back from his “real” mom thanking me for my support. I definitely got the feeling this bitch was way jealous of the amazing bond that Alejandro and I had created in such a short time span. I had dreams of Ali one day coming to the states to go to college and I could visit him on Mom’s Weekend. It would be so great.

Alas, I couldn’t keep up with the $25 a month payments. And the Christian Children’s Fund kept sending me letters asking for even more per month, those selfish bastards. So even though it killed me a ltittle inside, I had to cut off Ali and his freeloading family. I’m sure his whore mother talked shit about me and tried to turn him against me. But I know one day that little Ali will find me. While Paul Simon’s “Mother and Child Reunion” plays softly in the background, Ali and I will have a glorious reconnection. I can’t wait!

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