Posts tagged with 'Is Christmas Over Yet?'

The Infamous Christmas Letter

  • Posted on December 19, 2009 at 12:19 am

The Christmas Letter

You know those cheesy Christmas letters that people send out every year detailing that their very existence is wonderful and magnificent? Don’t we all just roll our eyes and puke a little in our mouths when we read one? No one’s life is that perfect. My own father is infamous in our family for sending out one of those letters every year, but since I’m single with no children, I’m usually relegated to one sentence…”Brooke still works at _____ and is still living in _____.” Wow, thanks Dad! How about instead of focusing on the things that I did last year, he focuses on what I DID NOT do? I think that makes for an interesting twist to the whole Christmas letter genre.

Here are some things that DID NOT happen to me this year, that I think my dad should highlight. I’m quite proud of them and I know you’ll be proud of me, too, when you read them!

Dear Special Friends,

Brooke is still working as a retail manager and her company did not go bankrupt, as so many retailers have in these tough economic times. She also did not get laid off or fired, like many of her fellow managers this year.

On a personal front, Brooke did not settle for the wrong man and get married, just to say that she’s married. Therefore, she won’t be getting divorced anytime soon, either! She also did not get pregnant out of wedlock (barely) or development any major drug/alcohol problems (excluding white wine/sleeping pills). Her mother and I are SO proud!

Here are some other things that Brooke did not do this year… get arrested, start hooking, molest a child, commit a hate crime, burn down a house, kill anyone (although she may have felt like it at times, ha ha!), act in a porn, hit a kitten, smack a puppy, spit in someone’s food, commit forgery, embezzle money, steal, or lie (alright, maybe just one or two small white lies, but that‘s okay).

As I stated above, Brooke’s mother and I could not be more proud of all the things she did not do this year, and we hope that she continues not to do these things in 2010.

Seasons Greetings,
Roger and Nancy

An Open Letter To Holiday Shoppers

  • Posted on December 16, 2009 at 3:25 am

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Dear Holiday Shopper:

Well hello there! I haven’t seen you since last Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or whatever holiday brings you into my store at this magical time of year. You are not my regular customer, who knows our products and where to find them like the back of their hand. No, you are coming into my store to buy a gift for our loyal shoppers. You look weary, you have a list in your hand, painstakingly written with all the goodies you need to buy your loved ones so they think you care. And that’s where I come in… to help you make the perfect purchase. But let me give you some tips so we can all make this process a little smoother.

Number one, I am NOT your personal shopper. Yes, I will show you where to find the right product, but you are not the only customer in my store. That means I have to help EVERYONE, not just you. You are perfectly capable of picking up a product and seeing how much it costs. Please don’t just point to product after product and ask me how much it is. You are also capable of smelling all the products for yourself. I DO NOT need to open every bottle of lotion we sell and hold it up to your nose. Are your hands broken? I think not.

Number two, if you are going to come to the mall on a Saturday, please think of your fellow shoppers and leave your kids at home. DO NOT bring a giant stroller into our already crowded store, then get pissed that you can’t easily maneuver it around. That is YOUR problem, not ours. Also, no one wants to hear your baby screaming. Holiday shopping is already tense enough without adding ear-piercing shrieks to the mix. Try picking your child up and comforting them, instead of just ignoring their cries for help.

Number three, PAY WITH CASH, CREDIT OR DEBIT. DO NOT WRITE CHECKS! They take too much time to write and there is a line piling up behind you. If you must write a check, start filling it out while I’m ringing everything up. Do not aimlessly stare at me, wait to hear the total, THEN get your damn checkbook out. It’s the little things people!!! Am I asking too much?!

Number four, when there is only a week left until Christmas DO NOT get mad at me because we are sold out of something. It’s not my fault that everyone else was more organized than you and actually bought their presents in a timely manner. You also don’t need to tell me to order more, because that’s not at all how our system works. We don’t “order” anything, dumbass. Oh, and guess what? The point of having seasonal products is so that we sell out of them before Christmas. Duh! Maybe I’ll come to your place of business sometime and tell you how to run things…does that sound like fun? No? THEN SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Number five, my store is not your house. Please put things back where they belong. I am not your mother or your maid. Thank you.

Above all else, be nice to me and my staff. As tired and grumpy as you may be running around and dealing with last minute Christmas shopping, remember that we have been dealing with THOUSANDS of crazed customers for the last month. We’ve been on our feet, working extended hours, dealing with hundreds of boxes of shipment, making complicated schedules, training dozens of new associates and all the while doing it with a smile on our faces (however fake and forced those smiles may be by now). Remember folks, kindness is the only thing you don’t have to pay for this holiday season.

Let’s just get through this next week, okay?

Sincerely,
Brooke Amanda

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