Who Cut The Cheese?

• Posted on April 23, 2009 at 3:09 am

I threw a party two weeks ago and the theme was “Wine & Cheese.” Of course, I thought the 20 lbs. of various types of cheese I bought surely would not be enough, so the day of the party, I went out and bought even more. Needless to say, I had a shit ton of cheese left over. To which I thought, “Wow, I can’t let all this cheese go to waste. After all, there are starving children in Malowi who would kill each other for a little Ghouda. I must eat it all!”

And eat I did. I’ve been eating cheese and crackers for lunch and dinner for the last 14 days and now I’m backed up like a bad septic tank. What the hell was I thinking?! Me, the person who had to go the the ER five years ago because I had undiagnosed IBS so badly I was doubled over in pain. Oh, for those who don’t know, IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. SEXY! Yes, in my early twenties I thought it was normal to have massive diaherra every other day and pop Amodium like they were candy. All Bran, Fiber One Bars, and Metamucil have become my best friends.

Now I’m so bloated, I look like I’m in my first trimester. I’m never eating cheese again! Okay, who am I kidding…that shit is like crack to me and I’ll be scoring a block of pepper jack within a week. This is my cry for help; my rock bottom, if you will. I need a cheese intervention ASAP.

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