The Word On The Street

• Posted on December 24, 2009 at 4:07 am

Some things should just be left alone. Case in point, a few years ago I bought a book called, “The Word On The Street,” which is written by a man named Rob Lacey. According to his book jacket, he is “an internationally known writer and performer.” Yeah, never heard of him. Anyway, Lacey attempts to translate the Bible into “today’s language- gritty, earthy, and witty.” Um, no. More like convoluted, disjointed, and crappy. EPIC RELIGIOUS FAIL.

Even though I’m agnostic, I was raised by parents who made us go to church & Sunday school EVERY Sunday, so I know the Bible (kind of) and can still quote many passages. Just to give you an idea of how crappy “Word On The Street Is,” here’s how Rob summed up Christ’s birth:

“Top angel, Gabriel, picks up his work order for the day. It reads, “Destination: Nazareth. Contact: Mary Davidson. Message: ‘God’s Holy Spirit will get you pregnant with his Liberator.’ Mary can hardly believe it- she’s a virgin: how’s she to have a baby?! But she hears him out, realizes the privilege and goes for it. She’s ecstatic. Joe, her fiancée’, isn’t! The only sane conclusion: she’s been sleeping around. But a second visit from Gabriel persuades Joe to face the flack from the family and look after his love and her miracle child, Jesus. Meanwhile, on the political front…”

Wow…that was so gritty I feel like I’m living in Compton now. Actually, I feel like I need a shower because Rob managed to make God’s “Liberator” sound like his f**k stick. And since when does Joseph go by Joe? And I thought Mary Magdalene was the one who slept around, not the Virgin Mary! I don’t even believe in any of this and I’m pissed off! Way to take something sacred & holy and shit all over it, Rob.

Now, in the spirit of Christmas (and to redeem myself just in case I’m wrong about the whole “God doesn’t exist thing“), here’s the REAL Bible verse. I like to think of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” while reading it…

Luke 2: 4-14

“And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the city of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which was called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be enrolled with Mary his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to be delivered. And she gave birth to her first-born son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.

And in that region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, “Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will come to all the people; for to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a babe wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying a manger.” And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God saying,

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whom he is pleased!”

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