Ode To Beth Chapman

• Posted on February 26, 2009 at 6:16 pm

Dog The Bounty Hunter

I love the TV show, “Dog The Bounty Hunter.” [A&E Network, Wednesdays, 7:00p.m.-9:00p.m, Central Time] For those that have never seen the show, it’s about Duane “The Dawg” Chapman, a reformed criminal and born-again Christian, and his posse of bounty hunters. He owns “Da Kine Bail Bonds” in Hawaii, so the locations are really beautiful, although they are in the slums a lot. His posse currently includes his oldest son, Duane Lee; his other son, Leland; his daughter, Baby Lyssa, and his wife, Beth. For me, the real star of the show is Beth. She is, in one word, spectacular. Listed below are the top ten reasons I love her.

10. Her Stiletto Heels. It does not matter if they are running after criminals, Beth always has her 4 inch heels on. In one episode, they went to Colorado, in winter, and she STILL wore open-toed heels. She’s like, “Yeah, my feet are freezing, but snowboots are ugly.” Gotta love a woman with priorities!

9. Her Jewelry. Most of the time it’s gold, but no matter what, it’s always BIG. And she doesn’t stop at one or two pieces. Hell, no! Beth has got earrings (and she does have a plethora of ear piercings), mulitple bracelets, necklaces, and rings on EVERY finger. Love it.

8. Her Love of Bedazzled Cothing. Okay, I will admit, I bought a Bedazzler back in college. There was a band I liked (Cheese Pizza!) and I was going to bedazzle their name onto a t-shirt because I thought for some reason this would be cool. I did like, three dazzles, and didn’t have the patience to do the rest. So this leads me to believe Beth must buy things already bedazzled or she has a professional bedazzler on staff. And she bedazzles EVERYTHING from jeans to shirts to leather jackets.

7. Her 80’s Style Make-Up. Beth is only 41 yrs. old so she would have come of age during the mid to late 1980’s. In older episodes, she rocks out the blue eyeshadow, heavy eyeliner, and pink lipstick like no other. Lately, she’s been sporting a more natural look, which disappoints me to no end. I miss the Tammy Faye Bakerish Beth I came to know and love.

6. Her Frito Nails. One thing that hasn’t changed are her weapon-like fingernails. Bitch could claw an eye out with one of those talons! Actually, she could probably stab a motherfucker with one, too. And she paints them bright & funky which makes them even better.

5. Her Crayola-Yellow, Big Ass Hair. Again, you need to watch the older episodes to get the full effect of her hair. She used to wear it half pulled up in a semi-1950’s pompadour. Her hair closely matched The Dawg’s and it was a sight to see!

4. Her Bad Ass Temper. Bitch can go OFF! I would never mess with Beth. She almost ripped a guy’s face off who had pushed down Baby Lyssa during a chase. And she’s gotten in several men’s and women’s faces and screamed at them when they’ve been not-so-nice. It’s pretty awesome to watch. She is a reformed criminal, too, and I bet a hellion in her day. In fact, that’s how her and The Dawg first met. He was her bounty hunter! He captured her AND her heart. Awww!

3. Her Big Heart. Beth is incredibly compassionate to most of the criminals they arrest. Not all, but most. She sits in the back of the SUV as they drive them to jail and she talks about how they need to turn their life around and to look at this as an opportunity to change. She’ll get them a cigarette to smoke and light it for them since the criminal’s hands are cuffed. They will also stop off and get them something to eat and drink because a lot of the people they arrrest are drug addicts and haven’t eaten in awhile. She’s also gotten out tissues and wiped away their tears when they are crying. And she usually gives them a hug before they go into the jail.

2. Those Titties. Dear God, they are HUGE. What can I even say about them? I think they speak for themselves.

1. And the number one reason I love Beth…she gets to fuck the shit out of “The Dawg” every night. I bet that is some freak-nasty sex. You just KNOW those two get it on dirty porn-star style every chance they get. Oh, yeah!

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