Posts tagged with 'babies'

Dear Aunt Flo

  • Posted on April 16, 2009 at 12:08 am

Dear Aunt Flo,

Bitch, where the hell have you been the last two weeks?! I’m just going along, thinking everything is fine and dandy, expecting you any minute and then…nothing. I start to freak out, think maybe my “pull out and pray” method of birth control is perhaps not the most effective for a single girl to be using. You even made me go so far as to look up “early signs of pregnancy” on Web MD! Aunt Flo, you had me thinking about my future, picking out cribs online, thinking about how I would have to turn my guest room into a nursery. You made me have the “awkward talk” with the prospective baby daddy about a possible bun in the oven.

And, FINALLY, you show up all late and totally unapologetic. You also brought with you an uninvited guest, PMS. She’s a real bitch. She makes me want to cry and rip someone’s face off all at the same time. I swear to God, Aunt Flo, the next time you put me through something like this, we’re finished. I’m scheduling a hysterectomy and getting all my lady parts removed so you can’t fuck with me anymore. Either that, or I better be preggers cause if I’m going through all that stress, I’m getting a cute baby out of it. Oh, and you better stop by the store cause I’m all out of tampons.

Feeling crampy,
Brooke Amanda

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Poor Kids

  • Posted on March 3, 2009 at 12:26 am

The Poor Kids, Me (L) & Erica (R)

The Poor Kids, Me (L) & Erica (R)


When I was little, my best friend Erica and I used to pretend to be poor. We called it “Poor Kids.” I do not know who or why or when exactly we made this up, but we were in grade school when we played it. I don’t know why we got such a kick out of it, but this is how it went.

We were two orphans who’d been abandoned by their parents. If memory serves me right, Erica liked her name to be “Carrie” and I was something like “Linda.” We liked to really get into character and how could you do that if you used your real name? I think sometimes we were homeless on the streets and at other times we lived in an orphanage. So one day, us poor kids stumbled across a baby in the street. She may have been left in a dumpster or just under a pile of garbage. We would use our cabbage patch dolls as the baby or we just pretended if we didn’t have a doll handy (we played this at recess a lot so there were times we forgot to bring our dolls to school).

It just so happened that at the same time we found this cute baby, we saw a sign for a “Baby Contest.” How convenient! Whoever enters the cutest baby wins a ton of money, which in our 8 year old minds was probably $100. I’m a little fuzzy on how we got the baby cleaned up or got it clothes to wear for the contest. Did we prostitute ourselves for some quick cash? Sell some drugs? Surely not. Maybe one of the nuns running the orphanage helped us out. So we entered the baby (she was so precious) and now comes the time for them to announce the winner. Oh, Jesus…are we gonna win? Of course, because it ended the same way every time. The announcer would say, “And the winner is…The Poor Kids!” We were so happy that we had won. That was pretty much it. Then we would repeat it all over again.

Wow, this all sounds really fucked up now that I’ve written it down, but in our defense “Annie” was a very popular movie about orphans when we were growing up.

I Heart Deaf Babies

  • Posted on February 24, 2009 at 4:57 am

Signing Time

I’ve noticed a creepy phenomenon that has steadily been gaining popularity in our culture for the last few years. I don’t know why or how it started, but it must be stopped immediatly. I’m referring to the ultra-annoying habit of new parents teaching their babies sign language. Why in the hell is this necessary?! Unless your kid is really deaf, I don’t see the point. And don’t tell me that it’s great for the kid because their motor skills develop before their verbal skills do. That may be true, but that’s not why parents do this. They just want to stroke their own egos and brag to other parents to make themselves feel superior. Since when do you need a gimmick to be a good parent?

What started me on this tangent is that today, for the first time, I actually witnessed two super irritating women signing to a baby while I’m standing in the coffee shop. I’m just trying to buy my Vanilla Caramel Avalanche before work and I hear “Aubrey, please. Aubrey, please.” They were saying this as they touched their hands to their mouth or something odd like that. And this kid wasn’t deaf. It was laughing and babbling away. And she had no fucking clue what her spastic mother and grandmother were trying to teach her. And frankly, both women looked like complete idiots doing this.

I remember when a good friend of mine had her son three years ago and was made to feel like shit by some uptight Donna Reed bitch because she wasn’t teaching him how to sign. I had never heard of such a thing before and was flabergasted that people would really do this to their kid. I wanted to research this a bit and I found a website called “Signing Time” that sells videos of how to do this. The video you can click on to watch is like nails on a chalkboard. I highly recommend you watch if you ever want to know exactly what NOT to do as a parent. It is truly hideous.

Top