Posts tagged with 'annoying charities'

Those Little Red Buckets…

  • Posted on December 14, 2009 at 2:39 am

salvation_army 2

As I step out of my car, I can hear a familiar sound echoing in the distance. It starts out faintly, but as I walk towards the store, it gets louder and louder. I start to get those nervous butterflies in my stomach and I am now breaking out in a cold sweat. The sound of jingle bells grows louder and louder with each step. Is that Santa working those bells? Hell no. It’s some pissed off guy, who’s freezing, standing beside a Salvation Army bucket.

I am now about eight feet away from Mr. Jingles. I HATE this part more than anything. There is no way I can get into the store without walking directly by him. I tell myself, “Don’t make eye contact. Just keep your head down and keep walking.” I can feel Jingles judging me, as his gaze burns a hole in my winter coat. He purposefully starts ringing his bell even harder as I walk by. He says, “Merry Christmas!,” but I know he’s really saying, “Screw you for not putting any money in my bucket, bitch!”

Dear God, how many times do I have to relive this scenario in the course of a holiday season?! Those freaking buckets are EVERYWHERE! If I donated to every single one that I passed by while running errands and shopping, I would be broke. This year, I decided to take a stand and only donate to the one at my grocery store. I decided that, no matter what, I would give them something every time I was there. So, like most people, I take a $1 bill and fold it over enough times to where it looks like I’m actually giving a whole stack of money. Suckers!

Seriously though, does the Salvation Army need to stake people out at EVERY Schnuck‘s, Cub Foods, Jewel, Walgreens, CVS Pharmacy, Macy’s, Carson’s, JC Penney’s, Sears, Best Buy, Big Lot’s, Sam’s Club, Target, Wal-Mart, Meijer’s, K-Mart (okay, you get the idea), within a 10 mile radius of where I live? Have they heard of something called “overkill?” I would be more apt to give a few big donations instead of pulling my dollar trick, if they would ease up and put out less buckets. And who are they getting to ring those bells? I’m really starting to think some people had a community service obligation they needed to fulfill from a past DUI/petty crime conviction because they DO NOT look happy to be there.

I would also like a present of some sort for my donation. Nothing fancy, possibly a tiny candy cane or a Hershey’s kiss, just something so that I know the Salvation Army really appreciates my dollar. And maybe they could stop with the bell ringing altogether. I mean, we can SEE you! You’re loitering in front of a tall red bucket contraption IN FRONT of the door I need to walk in, for Christ’s sake! Do my ears need to be assaulted with incessant ringing, too?! I think not.

In summation, Salvation Army, you need fewer buckets, more presents to give away, and less bell ringing. I have every confidence that this fine organization will take my suggestions to heart and turn things around in time for next year. In the meantime people, keep your heads down and DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!

Top