Posts tagged with 'alcohol'

Girl Talk

  • Posted on April 6, 2009 at 12:01 am

I love getting together with my girlfriends, especially when there’s alcohol involved. Here’s a list of quotes from a recent get together that involved eight hours of eating, drinking, and bonding. I am not using names, not so much to protect the innocent, but because I don’t want anyone pissed at me. Enjoy!

“My pubs look like a 40 year old man’s receding hairline.” Um, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

“One time, I got toe-fucked. It’s like getting fingered, but with toes.” I’m going to file this one under “THINGS I NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MY FRIENDS.”

“I was dating a guy who told me it would be okay if I wanted to pee on him.” If I remember correctly, this was also the same guy who told her she could stick her finger up his ass if she wanted to…she didn’t.

“I think my coochie lips taste like coffee.” Okay, I twisted that one a bit. She was actually talking about her lip gloss, but the rest of us were talking about coochies and we misunderstood.

“I was going down on a guy and in the middle of it, he asked me what I was doing that weekend. Was I supposed to answer or keep going?” Hmm, that is a predicament!

“I wish this couch had a toilet in it.” Yeah, I hate getting up to pee, too.

“I just had a baby…out of my butt!” This refers to the all enjoyable morning after pooh. It’s always a whopper when you’ve been drinking beer all night, followed by ten pounds of bean dip. Yummy!

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Can I Freshen Up Your Rubbing Alcohol?

  • Posted on March 30, 2009 at 12:17 am

When I was in college, I drank a variety of horrible concoctions. My favorite drink of choice was Sunny D and Osco Brand Vodka. Occasionally, I would mix it up with Crystal Palace or Five O’Clock Brand Vodka, whatever was on sale at the time. All three tasted like rubbing alcohol and burned like hell going down. My friend Candice and I would fill up Rubbermaid water bottles almost to the top with the vodka, then fill the rest with Sunny D. It was a LITTLE strong to say the least, but it did the job well. We would be drunk in no time flat. The parties we attended were usually BYOB and these were so much easier to carry than cases of beer and cheaper because we wouldn’t have to pay to use the keg.

Vodka was always my liquor of choice. You could mix it with virtually anything so the possibilities where endless. One night, in a pinch, I even mixed it with Pepsi and it wasn’t as disgusting as it sounds. I also remember taking shots of things that no human being should consume. I’ve done shots of Goldschlager (which makes me gag even thinking about it) and my personal favorite, tequila poppers. I had these beauties my sophmore year in college and after that night, I have never been able to drink tequila again. We mixed a shot of tequila with Sprite, slammed the shot glass down so it “popped,” then drank it. I did one after another which resulted in me urinating myself as well as puking in the sink in my dorm room. Not good. To this day, I hate even the smell of margaritas.

I especially love it when people try to get creative at parties and make up their own cocktails. My friend Samantha did this one year at a Halloween party and we still make fun of her because of it. She read a recipe in a magazine for an alcoholic drink that contained allspice as one of the main ingredients. Here’s a tip, allspice and alcohol don’t mix. To give you an idea of what it tasted like just try this: shit in a blender and fill it with equal parts vodka and Tang. Then sprinkle some allspice on top. Hmm…yummy!

Now that I’m a bit wiser, I stick to plain old beer or white wine. I’m past the days of experimenting with my liquor. I’m sure my body and my taste buds are thankful for this.

Johnny, Are You Queer?

  • Posted on February 28, 2009 at 2:20 am

Just another crazy dating story. I wish I was making this stuff up, but it’s 100% true. I lived it!

I was set up with “Dr. Love” through a mutual friend. She had gone to high school with him and I had met him a few times over the years. He had always seemed like a fun guy and he was getting ready to move back to the area after just graduating from medical school. He had also just broken up with his girlfriend of four years [red flag #1] and he told my friend that he was ready to start dating again.

So we were set up and hit it off right away. He was cute, tall, funny, a doctor, AND a good kisser! He’d also bought his own condo and at that time in my life I had never dated anyone who was such an adult. He was one of those “great on paper” guys. I thought it was all too good to be true.

Well…did I mention that there was a period of time when his group of friends thought he might be gay? I only mention that because of what happened next. We were out drinking one night [red flag #2-we drank A LOT] and somehow the conversation turned to gay bars. Dr. Love started telling me that when he was in medical school he and his friend went to a gay bar just to see what it was like. I’m thinking, “Do straight men do that?” But it gets worse. While they’re at the gay bar, Dr. L got up to use the bathroom. While he’s peeing at the urinal, a gay man came up behind him, spun him around, and told him he’d been wanting to kiss him all night! And what does Dr. L do? Punch him or perhaps tell him he’s not gay? NO! He started making out with him!!

I am dumbfounded (and drunk) by this point and I asked him why he made out with him. Dr. L replies, “I just wanted to know what it was like to kiss a guy. It’s the same as kissing a girl except he had a beard.” That is his actual quote because I am coping directly from the journal I kept back then. Yeah, I HAD to write that shit down immediately. I believe if anyone is keeping track, that would be red flag #3. And because I really, really liked him, I shrugged it off. Okay not really, I was very freaked out by it. I just didn’t say anything.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was my reaction to red flag #4. I honestly think this is why he broke up with me. I am a fairly liberal person, but even I have my boundaries. We were out drinking on another night (surprise) and we started talking about men who use hookers (didn’t we have the best topics of conversation?) Dr. L is trying a little too hard to convince me that it’s no big deal and all men have used one. I didn’t buy that bullshit so he proceeds to tell me about the time he and his then girlfriend went to Amsterdam. She was “very liberal” and bought him a blowjob from a hooker in the Red Light District. His girlfriend then SAT THERE AND WATCHED THE WHOLE THING! I freaked the fuck out. That shit may be cool in Amsterdam, but come on! We live in Cental IL for God’s sake! I’m sure he felt like an ass for telling me this. A week later he called and broke up with me.

He got married a couple years ago (to a woman, ha!) and I wonder if he ever told his wife about these things or did he learn his lesson and keep his mouth shut?

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