Porn…The Other White Meat

• Posted on January 1, 2010 at 7:52 pm

I’m not ashamed to admit that I enjoy a good porn from time to time. If consenting adults want to have sex on camera for money, who the hell am I to judge? Not that I would want my future daughter to receive the “Porn Starlett of Tomorrow” award, but if other people want to get nasty on film, I’m cool with it. However, I do have a couple of bones to pick with the industry about some weird shit that’s been going down lately.

Number one, can we stop with the whole “ass to mouth” thing? In laymen’s terms, that’s when a couple is having anal sex, then the guy pulls out his wang and the girl proceeds to give it a few suckles in her mouth. Um, NO! That shit is NOT right. If a man’s peen goes into a girl’s chocolate hole, why in the holy hell would she then voluntarily put it in her mouth?! DISGUSTING. Then, to top it off, the couple will kiss! Hmm, evidently there is no bigger turn on for a man than a girl who’s breath tastes like shit…literally.

Number two, I don’t care how much a woman is being paid (and it better be A LOT), but why, oh why, would a woman let several different guys jizz all over her face at the same time? These are referred to as “bukkake facials.” I have no clue what the word “bukkake” means, but it’s probably Chinese for “nasty ass sperm.” I mean, I’ve heard that cum does wonders for the skin, but that’s taking it a little too far. The non-porn equivalent of that would be to take cold pancake batter and pour it all over your face. YUCK. And how long do they have to walk around with all that baby gravy running down their chin?

Number three, I don’t like it when the actors are excessively tattooed and/or pierced. Like it’s not enough to look at a naked body, now I have to deal with taint jewelry and tats. If the tattoos suck, then it makes it even worse because I can’t stop thinking, “Why in the world would a woman get a picture of Popeye tattooed on her thigh?!” I find it very distracting and it gets in the way of me getting my groove on.

Number four, I can appreciate that some adult film directors take their work very seriously and they feel the need to have a story line going on, but it’s REALLY not necessary. Does anyone watch porn for the acting? No. Just shut up and have sex. In fact, they can start filming AFTER they’ve already taken their clothes off cause it’s tedious as hell to watch two people undress each other. Just get naked and get down to business.

So, in conclusion, no more ass to mouth, no talking, one guys jizz at a time, get naked quickly and have minimal tattoos & piercings. I think if the adult film industry follows my advice, they could really class up their reputation. Happy fucking!

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