Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen

• Posted on February 17, 2010 at 12:33 am

How many Hollywood actors does it take to make a crappy romantic comedy? Apparently, the answer to this question is nineteen. Yes, NINETEEN actors are all “starring” in the newly released film “Valentine’s Day.” My friend Kelly has a theory about why movies with too many big name actors always suck. It’s “too many cooks in the kitchen.” I have to agree with her on that one.

In all fairness, I have not (nor will I ever) seen this film because I hate cutesy shit like this with a vengeance. Not to mention the fact that I cannot stand most of the actors who are in it. Here is the complete roster of dreadfulness:

Jessica Alba- She’s a marginal actor at best, but something about her makes me want to stab her in the face. Repeatedly.

Kathy Bates- Okay, I actually really like her and think she is an amazing actor, but I’m wondering what the hell she is doing in this movie. Guess she just needed a paycheck and I won’t hold it against her. We all have bills to pay.

Jessica Biel- Here are the words that come to mind when describing Biel…boring, pukey, weird shaped mouth, fake relationship with Justin Timberlake.

Bradley Cooper- I really used to like Mr. Cooper, but ever since he started dating Renee Zell-whatever he’s starting to grate on my nerves.

Eric Dane- I don’t watch “Grey’s Anatomy” so he gets a free pass since I have no clue if he can act or not. Oh, and he gets bonus points for being hot.

Patrick Dempsey- What, did he and Eric Dane make a pact they will only work on projects with one another from now on?! Okay, I can’t really say anything too mean about my former childhood crush so Dempsey gets off easy as well (that’s what she said)!

Hector Elizondo- Yeah, no clue who the hell this guy is. I think he may have played the hotel guy who helps Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman,” but I’m too lazy to Google that right now.

Jaime Foxx- Oh God, just go away already! I hate it when mediocre actors play one pivotal role and suddenly they think they’re the shit. Yeah, Jaime, I do remember when you were playing an ugly woman on “In Living Color.” And is he an actor, is he a singer, what the hell is he doing with his career?! His Grammy performance was AWEFUL.

Jennifer Garner- She’s so boring that I’m actually indifferent.

Toper Grace- He’s cute, but he will NEVER shake off his Eric Foreman image from “That 70’s Show.” Never.

Anne Hathaway- Fugly, gangly and toothy all come to mind when thinking of her.

Ashton Kutcher- Another “70’s Show” alumni! What is going on here? Is Wilmer Valderama in the cast, too?!

Queen Latifah- I do like her, plus she seems like she could kick my ass so that’s all I have to say about the Queen.

Taylor Lautner- Since I’m not into the whole “Twilight” thing, I’ve never seen him act. I do have trouble getting past his scrunched up looking face, though.

George Lopez- The man survived a kidney transplant and THIS is what he chooses to do with his life?! Oh, George…

Shirley McClane- I could watch Shirly take a dump and be enthralled. I hope I’m as ballsy as she is when I’m her age.

Emma Roberts- This is Julia’s niece and I know nothing about her so she’s off the hook, for now.

Julia Roberts- Yeah, so she got her niece a job, so what? I’m thinking Ms. Roberts might be the one bright spot in this POS film.

Taylor Swift- Well, I did think she was funny when she hosted SNL a few months ago, so we’ll see how she does in her film debut.

Wow, that was a LOT of actors! I can’t believe that Sandra Bullock or Cameron Diaz weren’t available for this fiasco, but something tells me they were probably asked and (wisely) passed. So, has anyone seen this movie yet? Is it as bad as it looks, or am I completely wrong?**

**I’m never wrong.

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