PMS Rants
The Hacker
I would like to go back in time to last Friday. Back to a time when my computer was still protected against a spyware program called “Vista Internet Security.” Little did I know that this was not an anti-spy ware/malware program, but it was indeed spyware itself.
No, I did not know this, so I spent $50 to “download” this crap. And, as I soon discovered, once you have downloaded it, your keystrokes are logged and sent to a server somewhere that a hacker has access to. And I really wish I had not paid ALL my bills online before becoming suspicious and Googling the program, only to discover it was all a horrible, horrible hoax.
Most of all, I wish I didn’t have to turn around and pay $80 to get a REAL spyware program to take it off my computer. So, now a hacker has access to all my credit card numbers, my debit card number and all my passwords. Awesome. But most of all, I would like to know why my existing spy ware didn’t catch it and allowed me to download it in the first place.
In closing this post, I would like to say that I hate technology and all computer hackers should burn in hell. And if my identity is stolen, I WILL hunt down the hacker who stole it and do really horrible, nasty, unspeakable things to them…we’re talking Scarface shit here.
Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen
How many Hollywood actors does it take to make a crappy romantic comedy? Apparently, the answer to this question is nineteen. Yes, NINETEEN actors are all “starring” in the newly released film “Valentine’s Day.” My friend Kelly has a theory about why movies with too many big name actors always suck. It’s “too many cooks in the kitchen.” I have to agree with her on that one.
In all fairness, I have not (nor will I ever) seen this film because I hate cutesy shit like this with a vengeance. Not to mention the fact that I cannot stand most of the actors who are in it. Here is the complete roster of dreadfulness:
Jessica Alba- She’s a marginal actor at best, but something about her makes me want to stab her in the face. Repeatedly.
Kathy Bates- Okay, I actually really like her and think she is an amazing actor, but I’m wondering what the hell she is doing in this movie. Guess she just needed a paycheck and I won’t hold it against her. We all have bills to pay.
Jessica Biel- Here are the words that come to mind when describing Biel…boring, pukey, weird shaped mouth, fake relationship with Justin Timberlake.
Bradley Cooper- I really used to like Mr. Cooper, but ever since he started dating Renee Zell-whatever he’s starting to grate on my nerves.
Eric Dane- I don’t watch “Grey’s Anatomy” so he gets a free pass since I have no clue if he can act or not. Oh, and he gets bonus points for being hot.
Patrick Dempsey- What, did he and Eric Dane make a pact they will only work on projects with one another from now on?! Okay, I can’t really say anything too mean about my former childhood crush so Dempsey gets off easy as well (that’s what she said)!
Hector Elizondo- Yeah, no clue who the hell this guy is. I think he may have played the hotel guy who helps Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman,” but I’m too lazy to Google that right now.
Jaime Foxx- Oh God, just go away already! I hate it when mediocre actors play one pivotal role and suddenly they think they’re the shit. Yeah, Jaime, I do remember when you were playing an ugly woman on “In Living Color.” And is he an actor, is he a singer, what the hell is he doing with his career?! His Grammy performance was AWEFUL.
Jennifer Garner- She’s so boring that I’m actually indifferent.
Toper Grace- He’s cute, but he will NEVER shake off his Eric Foreman image from “That 70’s Show.” Never.
Anne Hathaway- Fugly, gangly and toothy all come to mind when thinking of her.
Ashton Kutcher- Another “70’s Show” alumni! What is going on here? Is Wilmer Valderama in the cast, too?!
Queen Latifah- I do like her, plus she seems like she could kick my ass so that’s all I have to say about the Queen.
Taylor Lautner- Since I’m not into the whole “Twilight” thing, I’ve never seen him act. I do have trouble getting past his scrunched up looking face, though.
George Lopez- The man survived a kidney transplant and THIS is what he chooses to do with his life?! Oh, George…
Shirley McClane- I could watch Shirly take a dump and be enthralled. I hope I’m as ballsy as she is when I’m her age.
Emma Roberts- This is Julia’s niece and I know nothing about her so she’s off the hook, for now.
Julia Roberts- Yeah, so she got her niece a job, so what? I’m thinking Ms. Roberts might be the one bright spot in this POS film.
Taylor Swift- Well, I did think she was funny when she hosted SNL a few months ago, so we’ll see how she does in her film debut.
Wow, that was a LOT of actors! I can’t believe that Sandra Bullock or Cameron Diaz weren’t available for this fiasco, but something tells me they were probably asked and (wisely) passed. So, has anyone seen this movie yet? Is it as bad as it looks, or am I completely wrong?**
**I’m never wrong.
The Joys of Cooking
Is there anyone out there who truly enjoys cooking and if so, please tell me why. I just don’t get it. Granted, I was raised by a woman who thought scrambled eggs constituted a gourmet dinner, so I really don’t come by this skill naturally. If I can’t microwave, boil or re-heat something in under 10 minutes, then it’s just not worth my time.
I know some people find cooking to be a creative outlet or a stress reliever after a long day at work, but I find coming home and doing an additional two hours worth of cooking to be a stress inducer. I stand on my feet all day; the last thing I want to do is slave over a hot meal. And it’s not that I can’t cook, I just choose not to cook. I can follow a recipe if one is set before me, but it’s not something I would ever voluntarily do. I also have so few foods in my pantry at any given time, that to whip up an impromptu dinner would consist of peanut butter, Spanish rice, bread, eggs and Fiber One bars. Hmm, that sounds yummy, doesn’t it?
So far, I’ve been lucky in my avoidance of cooking because I have only myself to feed. I’m a little worried about what’s going to happen when I get married and have kids. I guess that’s what a crockpot was invented for; just dump a bunch of food into a pot and heat the hell out of it. You can make virtually anything into a stew, right? Maybe I’ll have to call up my mom and get her special family recipe for all the following dinners I was raised on: popcorn, ice cream, Stove Top stuffing, Kraft Mac & Cheese, burnt pork chops, dry hamburgers, mystery meatloaf, any kind of canned vegetable and the afore mentioned scrambled eggs. Now, combine any two foods from the list and that was what we ate for dinner. Every night. I’m not kidding. Yes, my future husband will be a lucky, lucky man. Oh well, at least I’m good at cleaning.
An Open Letter To Holiday Shoppers
Dear Holiday Shopper:
Well hello there! I haven’t seen you since last Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or whatever holiday brings you into my store at this magical time of year. You are not my regular customer, who knows our products and where to find them like the back of their hand. No, you are coming into my store to buy a gift for our loyal shoppers. You look weary, you have a list in your hand, painstakingly written with all the goodies you need to buy your loved ones so they think you care. And that’s where I come in… to help you make the perfect purchase. But let me give you some tips so we can all make this process a little smoother.
Number one, I am NOT your personal shopper. Yes, I will show you where to find the right product, but you are not the only customer in my store. That means I have to help EVERYONE, not just you. You are perfectly capable of picking up a product and seeing how much it costs. Please don’t just point to product after product and ask me how much it is. You are also capable of smelling all the products for yourself. I DO NOT need to open every bottle of lotion we sell and hold it up to your nose. Are your hands broken? I think not.
Number two, if you are going to come to the mall on a Saturday, please think of your fellow shoppers and leave your kids at home. DO NOT bring a giant stroller into our already crowded store, then get pissed that you can’t easily maneuver it around. That is YOUR problem, not ours. Also, no one wants to hear your baby screaming. Holiday shopping is already tense enough without adding ear-piercing shrieks to the mix. Try picking your child up and comforting them, instead of just ignoring their cries for help.
Number three, PAY WITH CASH, CREDIT OR DEBIT. DO NOT WRITE CHECKS! They take too much time to write and there is a line piling up behind you. If you must write a check, start filling it out while I’m ringing everything up. Do not aimlessly stare at me, wait to hear the total, THEN get your damn checkbook out. It’s the little things people!!! Am I asking too much?!
Number four, when there is only a week left until Christmas DO NOT get mad at me because we are sold out of something. It’s not my fault that everyone else was more organized than you and actually bought their presents in a timely manner. You also don’t need to tell me to order more, because that’s not at all how our system works. We don’t “order” anything, dumbass. Oh, and guess what? The point of having seasonal products is so that we sell out of them before Christmas. Duh! Maybe I’ll come to your place of business sometime and tell you how to run things…does that sound like fun? No? THEN SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Number five, my store is not your house. Please put things back where they belong. I am not your mother or your maid. Thank you.
Above all else, be nice to me and my staff. As tired and grumpy as you may be running around and dealing with last minute Christmas shopping, remember that we have been dealing with THOUSANDS of crazed customers for the last month. We’ve been on our feet, working extended hours, dealing with hundreds of boxes of shipment, making complicated schedules, training dozens of new associates and all the while doing it with a smile on our faces (however fake and forced those smiles may be by now). Remember folks, kindness is the only thing you don’t have to pay for this holiday season.
Let’s just get through this next week, okay?
Sincerely,
Brooke Amanda
Things I Find Annoying (AKA…Me Bitching Like Andy Rooney Again)
1. Most people.
2. People that “play” the victim. If something is wrong with your life…fix it. Don’t bitch endlessly about it because no one cares.
3. People that dwell on their perceived “bad” childhoods. Again, get the hell over it. There is really nothing more unattractive than an adult complaining about things that happened to them when they were a kid.
4. Stupid women. If you pick the same type of guy over and over, you will get the same results over and over. There is nothing wrong with NOT dating and staying single until the right person comes along.
5. People that complain they have no money, yet waste what money they have on frivolous things they can easily live without.
6. Young people with no work ethic…and they wonder why they can’t hold a job.
7. People that think working for a company for two years is a REALLY long time. Are you f**king kidding me?!
8. People that have arguments with their husbands/wives/friends via their Facebook status. It’s just weird and creepy and uncomfortable for those reading it. Don’t do it!
9. People that get on a soapbox about something and rant and rave as if they are perfect and everyone else is wrong…oh wait, isn’t that what I’m doing right now? Shit!
10. People that have a blog and only write new posts once a month…oh crap, I’m screwed again!
If you read any of the above items and see yourself exhibiting these behaviors, now would be a good time to stop and think, “How can I become a less annoying human in 2010?” It’s never too late to become less of an asshole. Merry Christmas!
Keep It Moving!
Here’s a scenario…you’re in line at the store waiting to pay and the person ahead of you is finishing up with their transaction. Everything going along swimmingly until it’s time for them to pay. For some godforsaken reason, even though the place is packed and there is a HUGE line, this moron decides that this is the perfect time to teach their child how to pay.
OH MY GOD! This is NOT the time to teach your 5 year old how to swipe your debit card and punch in the numbers. JUST DO IT YOURSELF! I’m all for teaching children how to be self-reliant, and if the store is totally empty and there is NO ONE else behind you in line, then knock yourself out. Heck, teach them how to write out a damn check if you want. But the second someone else comes up behind you, then take over for your kid.
I’ve been on both sides of this situation as I’ve been behind these people in line and I’ve also been a cashier waiting on them to finish up as the other customers start to give them dirty looks (to which they’re ignorantly oblivious). My parents never did this kind of crap with me and guess what? I still learned how to pay for things on my own! It’s not brain surgery and your kid will figure it out just fine.
Here’s in idea…how about teaching your child to be thoughtful of others and to move quickly and efficiently through a check-out line so it doesn’t turn into one big cluster fuck? Now THAT is a useful life lesson.
PMS Rant…
Since I have RAGING PMS this week, I decided there could not be a more fitting post than to just bitch about anything and everything I find annoying. Okay…here it goes:
I hate when I’m checking out at the grocery store and the cashier stops to look at what I’m buying, then proceeds to ask me about it. Case in point, yesterday the not so friendly Cub Foods guy scanned my milk, stopped and looked at it for a good minute, then proceeded to ask me if it was milk. What the hell?! Gee, what gave it away…the fact that it says “Skim Milk” on the front of the carton or the picture of the cow? Moron.
A month ago, an overly friendly cashier looked at the bag of Kale I was buying and asked me what Kale tastes like because she’s always wondered. I hope that quandary doesn’t keep her up at night because I was no help in answering her question. I explained that it was for my birds and then she looked at me like I was crazy. Whatever, she’s the one who brought it up!
I also hate it when customers at the store I work at ask me how much things cost when the goddamn prices are ON THE PRODUCTS. See lady, I can pick up this bottle, turn it over and look at the price the same as you! It’s like magic. I also hate it when customers cannot add simple prices in their head. I just had a lady ask me how much her two products were and I said that they were $10.50 a piece. She just looked at me blankly and asked how much that would be all together. Wow, I’m no mathematician, but I do believe that $10.50 + $10.50 = $21.00! Go back to your crack house and smoke a little more rock, sweetie! Kill off all your remaining brain cells.
I’m in the middle of moving and I cannot tell you how much I hate this entire process. I hate changing my address on everything, I hate cleaning out all the closets, I hate packing and I REALLY hate unpacking. If I had more money, I would pay someone to do all this for me. In fact, I’m avoiding packing right now by writing this post.
Hopefully, Aunt Flo is on her way and I will be back to my sweet and charming self in no time.
Soup or Salad?
I believe the world is divided into two kinds of people…those who order soup before their meal and those who order salad. I think the soup people should be hunted down like the filthy beasts they are, chopped into tiny, bacon-bit like pieces, then sprinkled on top of salads everywhere.
I feel this way for several reasons. First of all, most soups are disgusting. It’s like eating bits of hot, soggy food. Secondly, if the soup is too hot, then you burn both your tongue AND the roof of your mouth, hence rendering your taste buds useless for at least three days. Third, salad goes well with any season. It’s refreshing in the summertime and filling in the winter. Soup, on the other hand, is really only an acceptable food in the winter. I shudder to think what kind of person would voluntarily eat soup on a 90 degree day in July. Oh, the humanity!
In conclusion, salad people are an amazingly awesome God-like species and soup people are retarded pedophiles. If any soup people feel the need to leave a comment defending their disgusting life choice, I will find out where you live and throw scolding hot soup in your face. Thank you.
