Pandora's Box
Tampon Shooters, Anyone?
I read something in the news a couple of months ago that I found so yucky and gross, that I had to go to my happy place and file it away until now. So it seems that kids today are finding new and completely revolting ways to get drunk. The first method I heard involves soaking a tampon in vodka (or any liquor for that matter) then shoving it up your coochie (if you’re a girl) or your bung-hole (if you’re a boy). WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS?! Okay, I get not wanting your breath to wreak like alcohol, thus improving the chances that your parents aren’t going to bust you, but other than that, I don’t really see the up-side of this.
At first, I thought this had to be just another ridiculous urban legend, so I went to my trusty website “snopes.com” to see if they could dispel this myth AND THEY CAN’T! WHAT? They find out that EVERYTHING is an urban legend, but this sick shit is real?! Oh the humanity! They’re even doing this at frat parties because it gets you drunk faster. I’m having visuals of all the frat brothers bending over and grabbing their ankles, while Jagar bomb tampons get inserted. Has this replaced the keg stand? Is NOTHING sacred anymore?
The second “new wave” drunken technique I’ve heard about is snorting vodka. I even remember the paparazzi getting pics of Prince Harry (the hot/wild one) doing this a year or so ago. Wouldn’t this burn like hell? And wouldn’t you feel like you are drowning? The only thing I’ve ever put up my nose is Zicam when I’ve been sick and they even pulled that crap off the market because people were losing their sense of smell from doing it. That may explain why I can work in a store with a million different scents going on and not have it bother me. Anyway…
It saddens me that kids are taking drinking to this kind of extreme. What happened to the days of finding that weird older kid who was still hanging around all the high schoolers to go and get you beer? What happened to beer bongs and drinking games like Asshole, Bullshit, and Pyramid? What happened to waking up covered in puke and not knowing if it was your own or your friends? Hey kids, your breath SHOULD wreak like alcohol (then later in the night, vomit)! You SHOULD NOT be putting alcohol anywhere other then where God intended and that’s in your mouth. So drink it up, puke it up, then remember what that hangover feels like the next day and NEVER drink that much again.
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM BROOKEAMANDA.COM. Parents of teenagers, you’re welcome.
Time To Spank Your Son, Oprah
I would like to state for the record that I have NEVER liked Tiger Woods. I never bought into all the, “he’s America’s son,” bullshit that Oprah was spewing fourth when he first become well-known. I think golf is a crappy, waste of time “sport” and the only good thing about it is getting drunk as shit while you’re trying to play. I could smell douche bag on Tiger a mile away. There was just something a little off about him and those goddamn over-size chicklett teeth freak me the fuck out. They are ALL I see when I look at him.
That being said, I’m not writing this post to bash on him for cheating. While I certainly don’t agree with committing adultery, I also don’t think he’s any different than 99.9% of all male professional athletics in this world. He’s a very famous man with tons of money and he’s surrounded by people who’s only jobs are to make his life easy as hell and be at his beck and call. He believes he’s entitled to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And it doesn’t matter that his wife is gorgeous because he was going to cheat on whoever his wife was, regardless of her looks. The hard truth is, most people (famous or not), eventually get tired of bumping uglies with the same person over and over.
What I’m going to bash him for is being SOOOO terrible at cheating. The list of his women is now up to nine and most of them are cocktail waitresses (way to aim high, Tiger) with a porn star thrown in just for good measure. Do I think all these women are telling the truth? No. Do I think at least half of them are? Yes. He really couldn’t find a way to be more discreet? He really thought that NO ONE, including his wife, was EVER going to find out?! Couldn’t one of his fellow pro-golfers take him aside and show him how it’s done? I’m thinking maybe they wanted him to get caught. Maybe they were sick and tired of his very fake, squeaky clean image and they wanted to bring him down a few notches. Possibly get him to drop out of tournaments from the embarrassment of it all, so someone else would have a shot at winning. What if one of them even tipped off his wife? I’m not big on conspiracy theories, but this one is starting to make a lot of sense. Only time will tell how this all gets played out.
And just so no one feels too sorry for his wife, let’s remember, she will walk away from this marriage with MILLIONS and MILLIONS of dollars. I think the only real victims in all of this are Tiger’s two children and his now irreparable reputation. Hey Oprah, time to give your “son” a good spanking and send him to bed…alone.
Things I Find Annoying (AKA…Me Bitching Like Andy Rooney Again)
1. Most people.
2. People that “play” the victim. If something is wrong with your life…fix it. Don’t bitch endlessly about it because no one cares.
3. People that dwell on their perceived “bad” childhoods. Again, get the hell over it. There is really nothing more unattractive than an adult complaining about things that happened to them when they were a kid.
4. Stupid women. If you pick the same type of guy over and over, you will get the same results over and over. There is nothing wrong with NOT dating and staying single until the right person comes along.
5. People that complain they have no money, yet waste what money they have on frivolous things they can easily live without.
6. Young people with no work ethic…and they wonder why they can’t hold a job.
7. People that think working for a company for two years is a REALLY long time. Are you f**king kidding me?!
8. People that have arguments with their husbands/wives/friends via their Facebook status. It’s just weird and creepy and uncomfortable for those reading it. Don’t do it!
9. People that get on a soapbox about something and rant and rave as if they are perfect and everyone else is wrong…oh wait, isn’t that what I’m doing right now? Shit!
10. People that have a blog and only write new posts once a month…oh crap, I’m screwed again!
If you read any of the above items and see yourself exhibiting these behaviors, now would be a good time to stop and think, “How can I become a less annoying human in 2010?” It’s never too late to become less of an asshole. Merry Christmas!
Keep It Moving!
Here’s a scenario…you’re in line at the store waiting to pay and the person ahead of you is finishing up with their transaction. Everything going along swimmingly until it’s time for them to pay. For some godforsaken reason, even though the place is packed and there is a HUGE line, this moron decides that this is the perfect time to teach their child how to pay.
OH MY GOD! This is NOT the time to teach your 5 year old how to swipe your debit card and punch in the numbers. JUST DO IT YOURSELF! I’m all for teaching children how to be self-reliant, and if the store is totally empty and there is NO ONE else behind you in line, then knock yourself out. Heck, teach them how to write out a damn check if you want. But the second someone else comes up behind you, then take over for your kid.
I’ve been on both sides of this situation as I’ve been behind these people in line and I’ve also been a cashier waiting on them to finish up as the other customers start to give them dirty looks (to which they’re ignorantly oblivious). My parents never did this kind of crap with me and guess what? I still learned how to pay for things on my own! It’s not brain surgery and your kid will figure it out just fine.
Here’s in idea…how about teaching your child to be thoughtful of others and to move quickly and efficiently through a check-out line so it doesn’t turn into one big cluster fuck? Now THAT is a useful life lesson.
PMS Rant…
Since I have RAGING PMS this week, I decided there could not be a more fitting post than to just bitch about anything and everything I find annoying. Okay…here it goes:
I hate when I’m checking out at the grocery store and the cashier stops to look at what I’m buying, then proceeds to ask me about it. Case in point, yesterday the not so friendly Cub Foods guy scanned my milk, stopped and looked at it for a good minute, then proceeded to ask me if it was milk. What the hell?! Gee, what gave it away…the fact that it says “Skim Milk” on the front of the carton or the picture of the cow? Moron.
A month ago, an overly friendly cashier looked at the bag of Kale I was buying and asked me what Kale tastes like because she’s always wondered. I hope that quandary doesn’t keep her up at night because I was no help in answering her question. I explained that it was for my birds and then she looked at me like I was crazy. Whatever, she’s the one who brought it up!
I also hate it when customers at the store I work at ask me how much things cost when the goddamn prices are ON THE PRODUCTS. See lady, I can pick up this bottle, turn it over and look at the price the same as you! It’s like magic. I also hate it when customers cannot add simple prices in their head. I just had a lady ask me how much her two products were and I said that they were $10.50 a piece. She just looked at me blankly and asked how much that would be all together. Wow, I’m no mathematician, but I do believe that $10.50 + $10.50 = $21.00! Go back to your crack house and smoke a little more rock, sweetie! Kill off all your remaining brain cells.
I’m in the middle of moving and I cannot tell you how much I hate this entire process. I hate changing my address on everything, I hate cleaning out all the closets, I hate packing and I REALLY hate unpacking. If I had more money, I would pay someone to do all this for me. In fact, I’m avoiding packing right now by writing this post.
Hopefully, Aunt Flo is on her way and I will be back to my sweet and charming self in no time.
Jon G: Douche Bag At Large
I’ve held my tongue as long as I possibly can and now I must vent. I CANNOT hear about or look at Jon Gosselin anymore. I was fine with, and even intrigued by, all the gossip surrounding his and Kate’s split because I have watched “John and Kate Plus Eight” from the beginning and couldn’t believe what was happening. They were frequently on the cover of US Weekly and People, but now he has started to invade the most sacred of all shows, E! News.
E! News is supposed to feature CELEBRITIES, not two-bit reality stars. Now that he has this odd love triangle going on with Hailey Glassman and Kate (#2) Chapman, they have started featuring him EVERY night. How can this man have two semi-attractive women fighting over him?! He is chunky & balding (one of his shows featured him getting hair plugs and it was a bloody mess) and going through one hell of a mid-life crisis.
Exhibit A…he got his ears re-pierced with TWO diamond studs. Exhibit B…he just bought a big-ass motorcycle. Exhibit C…he wears those horrible-looking Ed Hardy t-shirts all the time. I can’t even tell what ethnicity he is. Is he Korean? Is he Hawaiian? I don’t know!!
I can’t believe anyone in their right mind would want a single dad of EIGHT kids. I wouldn’t even date a guy that had one kid, let alone a small army. One of these stupid bitches (Kate #2) even quit her job at Star magazine because she was sent to interview him, then “fell in love with him.” Really? One interview and this dumb bitch was in love? I don’t think so.
I think both of these woman are just publicity whores looking for their 15 minutes. That’s the only explanation I can think of that makes sense. Why else would any member of the female species voluntarily climb on top of this guy? I shudder to think what his “O” face must look like.
I’m Back…And Better Than Ever!
Yes, boys and girls, I just went THREE very long and boring weeks without a computer. And it’s not just that I didn’t have access at home, I don’t have online access at work, either, so except for briefly checking my email one day at a friend’s house, I have been totally and utterly disconnected from the online world. Here’s how I passed the time:
1) I did read two books: Deepak Chopra’s “Life After Death” (which was very deep and spiritual) and “Haunted Heartland: True Ghost Stories From The American Midwest.” Hey, it was on sale for $6!
2) Exercise. I have worked out nearly everyday! I like to rotate yoga with one of my billion workout tapes that I own. My favorite is anything by Denise Austin because she’s both super cheerful and completly uncoordinated which makes me feel really graceful. I think I’ve lost about 10 pounds!
3) Masterbate. Hey, there is only so much you can do when you live by yourself! And since I didn’t have access to my favorite site, YouPorn.com, I had to rely on my old DVDs to get me through. Now that I think about it, I wonder if looking at online porn is what fucked my computer up in the first place. Hmmm…
I’m wondering if I will have any readers left since I didn’t write for almost a month, but I am back and here to stay! Well, unless my computer dies again and then, God forbid, the Geek Squad at Best Buy will feel my wrath.
Soup or Salad?
I believe the world is divided into two kinds of people…those who order soup before their meal and those who order salad. I think the soup people should be hunted down like the filthy beasts they are, chopped into tiny, bacon-bit like pieces, then sprinkled on top of salads everywhere.
I feel this way for several reasons. First of all, most soups are disgusting. It’s like eating bits of hot, soggy food. Secondly, if the soup is too hot, then you burn both your tongue AND the roof of your mouth, hence rendering your taste buds useless for at least three days. Third, salad goes well with any season. It’s refreshing in the summertime and filling in the winter. Soup, on the other hand, is really only an acceptable food in the winter. I shudder to think what kind of person would voluntarily eat soup on a 90 degree day in July. Oh, the humanity!
In conclusion, salad people are an amazingly awesome God-like species and soup people are retarded pedophiles. If any soup people feel the need to leave a comment defending their disgusting life choice, I will find out where you live and throw scolding hot soup in your face. Thank you.
Humor Bloggers Virtual Road Trip
Some of the bloggers over at humorbloggers.com decided to go on a “virtual road trip,” this summer and now it’s my turn to talk about my adopted hometown. Okay, I’m about to reveal where I live, so for those that don’t already know this info, please don’t hunt me down and stalk me like some crazy psycho. Okay, great!
Welcome to Bloomington-Normal, the “Twin Cities” of Illinois! Let me take you through the life of the average townie. First, you’ll come to B-N to go to college. If your parents are wealthy, you’ll attend Illinois Wesleyan in Bloomington. If your parents are middle-class, you’ll attend the far more affordable, yet not quite as nice Illinois State University in Normal. (Author’s note- I did NOT attend Illinois Wesleyan).
Once you are settled into your studies, you’ll definitely want to blow off some steam by grabbing drinks at a pub downtown. Be careful! The cops are always waiting to give someone a DUI, like they did a few months ago to actor Sam Shepard. Why in the hell he was here and drinking at Fat Jack’s in downtown Bloomington I have no idea, but it happened and we were featured on TMZ!
While you’re at the bar, make sure to eat the nuts because they are made right here in B-N, too! Yes, we are home to the famous Beer Nuts factory!! Actually, you may not want to eat the nuts at the bar because studies show they are covered in urine and fecal matter. Yuck.
Okay, so you can’t spend all your time in B-N eating nuts and drinking. At some point, the college students graduate and need real jobs. How convenient that we are the corporate headquarters to not one, but TWO, major insurance companies!!! State Farm Insurance and Country Insurance are the main employers of EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO LIVES HERE. Three out of four townies works at one of these places. I’m not making this statistic up. I, however, am NOT one of these folks and I’m pretty proud of that fact.
So, you’ve spent a long day selling insurance and need a bite to eat. You’re in luck! B-N has the highest ratio of restaurants per square mile of any city in the U.S. I’m not making that up, either.
After dinner, if it’s summertime, you’ll definitely want to check out The Illinois Shakespeare Festival that we host every year from June to August. Okay, I have to admit, I’ve lived here for ten years, I was a theater major, I lived just blocks from the theater and I’ve NEVER been to Skake’s Fest. EVERY summer I plan to go and it never works out. This year I AM going!
So that’s pretty much Bloomington-Normal in a nutshell. It’s a VERY nice place to live and I‘m happy to call it my adopted home…now go check into a hotel ‘cause I only have a two bedroom apartment and can’t put everyone up for the night.
Oh, and be sure to check out “Confessions of A Reforming Geek” for the next leg of our road trip! And, of coarse, go to humorbloggers.com for the best humor blogs in one convenient location. 
Scummywood
There’s a disturbing trend among young Hollywood and it’s been happening for awhile. I’ve tried to ignore it, but it was blatantly obvious at the recent MTV Movie Awards that I watched on Sunday. I’m referring, of coarse, to the total and utter lack of personal hygiene among the so-called “hotties” of the moment.
The worst offender is Robert Pattinson of “Twilight” fame. I’ve never read the books, I have no desire to see the movie, and after seeing how greasy and unkempt his hair was at the awards, I have no desire to watch him act in anything…ever.
Second runner-up is his co-star Kristen Stewart. Not only does she look like she just woke up, threw on whatever the fuck was wadded up on her bedroom floor and smoked a fat joint before heading out for the day, but she comes across as an awkward & unappreciative little bitch. Enough said.
Come on, you two! You just made a ton of money starring in the biggest blockbuster of the year and you can’t jump in a shower before you strut your stuff on the red carpet. You two make Lindsey Lohan look fresh & clean, and that’s not an easy fete.
There are rumors that Robert and Kristen are dating…kind of brings new meaning to the term “bumping uglies.” YUCK.
