PMS Rants
What’s On Your Mind?
I now present to you, from the depths of my inner soul…”Facebook Status Updates You Will Never See.” Enjoy!
“Thanks to Mark, Brian, Sam & Peter…Best Gang-Bang EVER!”
“I love Satan! If you love Satan, too, please re-post this as your status!”
“Oops… just sharded!”
“Does anyone know the best dandruff shampoo to use? I’d really appreciate some good recommendations.”
“Finally got that whole toe-jam thing licked!”
“Damn, my herpes are flaring up again. I hate Mondays!”
“Thanks to everyone for all the best wishes on my hemorrhoid surgery.”
“I love registered sex offenders. I you have a registered sex offender that you love, please re-post this as your status.”
“I hate black people!”
“Getting the annual birthday BJ from my wife tonight. Can’t wait!”
“Should NOT have let my husband try out that butt-plug on me last night. Butt = Sore.”
“Just woke up in my own vomit. AWESOME weekend!!!”
“That blackhead on my back FINALLY came out!”
“Does anyone know a good laxative to use? I’d really appreciate some recommendations.”
“I heart binging and purging! If you heart binging and purging, too, please re-post this as your status.”
Wouldn’t you just love to see someone write something like this in their update? It would seriously make my day. No more “Tiny Timmy just took a pooh in the toilet for the first time” or “Little Susie finally slept through the night.” Those are freaking boring! Let’s get real, people. Real and hard core! Let it ALL hang out. As for myself, I prefer to be more of a creeper, just hanging out in the background, silently judging and mocking others. It really it the best way to go through life.
The Hacker
I would like to go back in time to last Friday. Back to a time when my computer was still protected against a spyware program called “Vista Internet Security.” Little did I know that this was not an anti-spy ware/malware program, but it was indeed spyware itself.
No, I did not know this, so I spent $50 to “download” this crap. And, as I soon discovered, once you have downloaded it, your keystrokes are logged and sent to a server somewhere that a hacker has access to. And I really wish I had not paid ALL my bills online before becoming suspicious and Googling the program, only to discover it was all a horrible, horrible hoax.
Most of all, I wish I didn’t have to turn around and pay $80 to get a REAL spyware program to take it off my computer. So, now a hacker has access to all my credit card numbers, my debit card number and all my passwords. Awesome. But most of all, I would like to know why my existing spy ware didn’t catch it and allowed me to download it in the first place.
In closing this post, I would like to say that I hate technology and all computer hackers should burn in hell. And if my identity is stolen, I WILL hunt down the hacker who stole it and do really horrible, nasty, unspeakable things to them…we’re talking Scarface shit here.
The Joys of Cooking
Is there anyone out there who truly enjoys cooking and if so, please tell me why. I just don’t get it. Granted, I was raised by a woman who thought scrambled eggs constituted a gourmet dinner, so I really don’t come by this skill naturally. If I can’t microwave, boil or re-heat something in under 10 minutes, then it’s just not worth my time.
I know some people find cooking to be a creative outlet or a stress reliever after a long day at work, but I find coming home and doing an additional two hours worth of cooking to be a stress inducer. I stand on my feet all day; the last thing I want to do is slave over a hot meal. And it’s not that I can’t cook, I just choose not to cook. I can follow a recipe if one is set before me, but it’s not something I would ever voluntarily do. I also have so few foods in my pantry at any given time, that to whip up an impromptu dinner would consist of peanut butter, Spanish rice, bread, eggs and Fiber One bars. Hmm, that sounds yummy, doesn’t it?
So far, I’ve been lucky in my avoidance of cooking because I have only myself to feed. I’m a little worried about what’s going to happen when I get married and have kids. I guess that’s what a crockpot was invented for; just dump a bunch of food into a pot and heat the hell out of it. You can make virtually anything into a stew, right? Maybe I’ll have to call up my mom and get her special family recipe for all the following dinners I was raised on: popcorn, ice cream, Stove Top stuffing, Kraft Mac & Cheese, burnt pork chops, dry hamburgers, mystery meatloaf, any kind of canned vegetable and the afore mentioned scrambled eggs. Now, combine any two foods from the list and that was what we ate for dinner. Every night. I’m not kidding. Yes, my future husband will be a lucky, lucky man. Oh well, at least I’m good at cleaning.
Ramblings From A Sick Mind
I’m sick and feel like crap. Actually, it’s not all that severe, but I’m blowing my nose every two minutes and I have that all-over feeling of being run down. I kind of feel like I’m stoned, but not in a fun way. Here are the three things that are making me feel a tiny bit better.
I am flipping through the channels because there is NOTHING good on at 10:00 a.m., when lo and behold I stumble upon one of my all-time favorite films, “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.” It stars Robert Downey, Jr. (post-rehab) and Val Kilmer, both of whom can make me feel tingly, in a fun way, any day of the week. The movie came out a couple of years ago and didn’t receive much press. I stumbled upon it at the video store last year and thought it looked interesting. It’s set in modern day L.A. and it’s kind of a dark comedy, but the tone of the film is like one of those old detective novels. It’s SOOOO good. I’ve now watched it at least a dozen times and I notice something new about it with each screening.
I’m also re-reading one of my favorite books from my favorite writer, Arthur Nersesian. It’s called “The Fuck-Up” and it’s like an updated/grittier version “Catcher In The Rye.” All of Nersesian’s books, at least the four I’ve read so far, are set in New York, which is where he’s from. This particular story is about a young man in his twenties struggling to get by and his many crazy adventures along the way. Right now, I’m at the part in the story where he’s posing as a gay man so he can run a gay porno theater. I love coming-of-age stories with a twist and this a great one.
And lastly, I’m sipping on some Meijer’s brand French roast coffee and it’s absolutely delicious! I am a coffee snob and I was very skeptical about trying the generic store brand, but it’s amazing! And cheap!
I’m hoping that the trifecta of these things will combine to make me feel half-way human again by tomorrow. I am not wasting another of my precious days off being sick!
Ask And Ye Shall Be Torn A New One
If you are a blogger and would like to whittle away any remaining shreds of self-confidence you have, then by all means submit your blog for a review at “Ask And Ye Shall Receive.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking this site…I’m hooked on it like a cracky to his pipe!
They are brutally honest and make no apologies for it, which I respect (it takes a bitch to know a bitch), but DAMN they can be harsh! They pick apart not only the content of a blog, which is obviously the most important part, but also the layout, color scheme, font, ect.. And God forbid if you have too many badges cluttering your blog…they HATE badges, in particular any of the Humor Blogger badges (so I guess I would be screwed because I’m a member of HB). Some of the reviewers are kinder than others, so if you’re lucky you may get off with just a slighty wounded ego and not a full blown ass-shredding.
That being said, the bloggers who get an unfavorable review need to suck it up and realize that they got exactly what they asked for in the first place. The URL for the site is http://iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com. What in the holy hell did you think was going to happen? They even have a warning on the “Submit Your Blog” page which states:
“Okay. Having read the FAQ, you need to realize that if you now subsequently submit your shitty-assed blog to our site, with its ugly black letters on top of a pea-green background, we are going to rip you a new hole to shit through. I’m not joking here. You will get reamed. It’s a promise. After the reaming, you will be redirected to the FAQ. You know, the one you should have read BEFORE submitting.”
If, after reading this, you do in fact submit your shitty- ass blog and they do as promised and rip you a new poop-hole, don’t leave comment after comment bitching about it. Remember, YOU WILLINGLY SUBMITTED YOUR BLOG TO THIS KIND OF SCRUTINY! It just makes that particular blogger look like a whiney- ass baby who needs to spend more time improving their content and less time crying about it.
And that’s precisely why I will NEVER, EVER submit my blog for a review. I prefer to live in my own delusional world and think my blog, much like myself, is absolutely freakin’ perfect and there is not a damn thing I could do to improve it. Not a damn thing!
I Like It Strong
Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying that the FDA will discover what a completely addicting drug caffeine is and outlaw it’s distribution. Specifically, my drug of choice is coffee. I used to be a big soda person (or as we call it here in Central Illinois, “pop”), but now it makes my stomach hurt and I always feel so bloated after I drink it, that it’s just not worth it anymore. I don’t need to consume any liquid that makes me look six months pregnant.
Since I’m a bit of a coffee coinsure, I’ve decided to rate the Cup 0’ Joes around my town, starting from the best to the worst. Since I drink plain old regular coffee, with cream and two Splendas (it HAS to be Splenda), these places are not being rated on their fancy shit, just unflavored regular.
Dunkin’ Donuts (*****): If heaven had a taste, then this coffee would be it. It is so freaking good! It’s like God himself came in a cup and we all get to drink in his essence. I truly believe the good folks at Dunkin’s add a tiny bit of crack to each Styrofoam cup, just to keep you coming back for more. And you know what? I’m okay with that.
Gloria Jeans Coffee Beans (****): GJ’s has grown on me over the years mostly because it’s right by my store in the mall. So they get a star for convenience AND they open up a half hour before the mall does, so I can sneak down there for a beverage before I have to be nice to people for the rest of my day. Their coffee is also pretty strong and they have a different blend of “regular” every day, from Hawaiian to Ethiopian (who knew they made coffee?), so it never gets boring.
Starbucks (***): I will never understand why people rave so much about Starbucks, because their regular coffee kind of sucks. It tastes like someone ashed a cigarette in it and it has a funky aftertaste. I did give them an extra star because it is strong and, in my opinion, if coffee doesn’t give you at least a slight heart palpitation, then it’s not strong enough.
McDonald’s: (-10,000 stars): Oh McDonald’s, what the fuck happened to your coffee?! It used to be amazing, but ever since they switched to the whole “McCafe” thing it SUCKS. It’s super weak and tastes like shit. It reminds me of crappy hotel coffee that you make in your room in those tiny little pots. It’s so bad that there have been days I’m willing to suffer without any coffee at all rather than drink that putrid hot mess. True story. There is a McDonalds on my way to work and sometimes I’ll consider getting it, especially if I’m really tired, but then I come to my senses and wait it out until Gloria Jean’s opens. Their sweet tea, on the other hand, is AWESOME, as are there fries, so they’ll always have a life-long customer in me, just not for their coffee.
Random Thoughts From A Funny Stranger…
I received this forwarded email the other day from my friend Dane’. Normally, I don’t read forwards, but this was hilarious. I kept laughing out loud as I was reading it, then felt stupid because I was laughing out loud with no one there to witness it. I wish I knew the author’s name so I could give him credit for his masterpiece! Just to be clear…I DID NOT WRITE THIS, THESE ARE NOT MY ORIGINAL THOUGHTS AND I’M NOT TRYING TO PLAGERIZE ANYTHING. Okie-dokie, with that said… enjoy!
Random Thoughts of the Day:
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
That’s enough, Nickelback.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories
Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Tampon Shooters, Anyone?
I read something in the news a couple of months ago that I found so yucky and gross, that I had to go to my happy place and file it away until now. So it seems that kids today are finding new and completely revolting ways to get drunk. The first method I heard involves soaking a tampon in vodka (or any liquor for that matter) then shoving it up your coochie (if you’re a girl) or your bung-hole (if you’re a boy). WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS?! Okay, I get not wanting your breath to wreak like alcohol, thus improving the chances that your parents aren’t going to bust you, but other than that, I don’t really see the up-side of this.
At first, I thought this had to be just another ridiculous urban legend, so I went to my trusty website “snopes.com” to see if they could dispel this myth AND THEY CAN’T! WHAT? They find out that EVERYTHING is an urban legend, but this sick shit is real?! Oh the humanity! They’re even doing this at frat parties because it gets you drunk faster. I’m having visuals of all the frat brothers bending over and grabbing their ankles, while Jagar bomb tampons get inserted. Has this replaced the keg stand? Is NOTHING sacred anymore?
The second “new wave” drunken technique I’ve heard about is snorting vodka. I even remember the paparazzi getting pics of Prince Harry (the hot/wild one) doing this a year or so ago. Wouldn’t this burn like hell? And wouldn’t you feel like you are drowning? The only thing I’ve ever put up my nose is Zicam when I’ve been sick and they even pulled that crap off the market because people were losing their sense of smell from doing it. That may explain why I can work in a store with a million different scents going on and not have it bother me. Anyway…
It saddens me that kids are taking drinking to this kind of extreme. What happened to the days of finding that weird older kid who was still hanging around all the high schoolers to go and get you beer? What happened to beer bongs and drinking games like Asshole, Bullshit, and Pyramid? What happened to waking up covered in puke and not knowing if it was your own or your friends? Hey kids, your breath SHOULD wreak like alcohol (then later in the night, vomit)! You SHOULD NOT be putting alcohol anywhere other then where God intended and that’s in your mouth. So drink it up, puke it up, then remember what that hangover feels like the next day and NEVER drink that much again.
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM BROOKEAMANDA.COM. Parents of teenagers, you’re welcome.
Things I Find Annoying (AKA…Me Bitching Like Andy Rooney Again)
1. Most people.
2. People that “play” the victim. If something is wrong with your life…fix it. Don’t bitch endlessly about it because no one cares.
3. People that dwell on their perceived “bad” childhoods. Again, get the hell over it. There is really nothing more unattractive than an adult complaining about things that happened to them when they were a kid.
4. Stupid women. If you pick the same type of guy over and over, you will get the same results over and over. There is nothing wrong with NOT dating and staying single until the right person comes along.
5. People that complain they have no money, yet waste what money they have on frivolous things they can easily live without.
6. Young people with no work ethic…and they wonder why they can’t hold a job.
7. People that think working for a company for two years is a REALLY long time. Are you f**king kidding me?!
8. People that have arguments with their husbands/wives/friends via their Facebook status. It’s just weird and creepy and uncomfortable for those reading it. Don’t do it!
9. People that get on a soapbox about something and rant and rave as if they are perfect and everyone else is wrong…oh wait, isn’t that what I’m doing right now? Shit!
10. People that have a blog and only write new posts once a month…oh crap, I’m screwed again!
If you read any of the above items and see yourself exhibiting these behaviors, now would be a good time to stop and think, “How can I become a less annoying human in 2010?” It’s never too late to become less of an asshole. Merry Christmas!
Keep It Moving!
Here’s a scenario…you’re in line at the store waiting to pay and the person ahead of you is finishing up with their transaction. Everything going along swimmingly until it’s time for them to pay. For some godforsaken reason, even though the place is packed and there is a HUGE line, this moron decides that this is the perfect time to teach their child how to pay.
OH MY GOD! This is NOT the time to teach your 5 year old how to swipe your debit card and punch in the numbers. JUST DO IT YOURSELF! I’m all for teaching children how to be self-reliant, and if the store is totally empty and there is NO ONE else behind you in line, then knock yourself out. Heck, teach them how to write out a damn check if you want. But the second someone else comes up behind you, then take over for your kid.
I’ve been on both sides of this situation as I’ve been behind these people in line and I’ve also been a cashier waiting on them to finish up as the other customers start to give them dirty looks (to which they’re ignorantly oblivious). My parents never did this kind of crap with me and guess what? I still learned how to pay for things on my own! It’s not brain surgery and your kid will figure it out just fine.
Here’s in idea…how about teaching your child to be thoughtful of others and to move quickly and efficiently through a check-out line so it doesn’t turn into one big cluster fuck? Now THAT is a useful life lesson.
