Dating (The Good, The Bad & The Ugly)
SWM Seeking A Good Time
If you are ever feeling down and want to bring a smile to your face, then I highly recommend going over to Craigslist and reading some of the unintentionally hilarious personal ads that men put up on the website. I like peruse these ads at least once a week to make myself feel better about my life 
. Most of them are XXX rated, almost as if they just saw a porn and took the dialogue from the film and typed it up. Are these men looking for a girlfriend or a hooker because I can’t tell.
But the VERY best ads are the ones in which the men attach a picture of themselves. Now, one would think they would put up a picture of their face, but that assumption would be wrong. No, these guys put up “dick pics” of themselves. A dick pic is exactly what it sounds like…a guy chooses to get himself “excited,” then makes the very rational and not at all creepy choice of taking a picture of his shaft and posting it online for ANYONE to see.
Because nothing is going to sell a quality woman on your personality quite like a picture of your little willy. I’m trying to picture the woman who would be seriously reading one of these personal ads and wavering as to whether or not to write to the guy she’s interested in. Thank God he included a dick pic, because that just sealed her decision to write to him! Seeing his boner made her think, “That penis could be my future husband and the father of my children someday.”
It’s so desperate it’s almost sad…almost.
Worst Double Date. Ever.
I have decided that on the weekends I will republish some of my favorite posts from last year. Since only a handful of my friends and family read my blog back then, these will bring a smile to a whole new group of readers. Enjoy!
I used to date a guy that I refer to as “B.” I wrote in an earlier post how there were six major red flags I chose to ignore, one of them being that he had fucked his secretary. Okay, so technically he hadn’t fucked her. They had gone out for drinks one night after work and she ended up coming back to his basement and he went “downtown” on her. Did I mention that she was married and about 15 years older than B? This little indiscretion happened about a month before I met B and he didn’t tell me about it right away, for obvious reasons. So this sets the stage for what happened when I came face to face with her. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about this incident because I do and say some very mean things and I may have caused the demise of his secretary’s marriage. You be the judge. Did I go too far?
I had just gotten off work when B gave me a call. He said that he and Sheila [the whore secretary] were at a bar down the street. They had just gotten done with an appointment [Sheila had to drive B around because he'd lost his license due to a DUI] and wanted to have a couple of drinks. Did I want to join them? Sheila’s husband, Jack, was on his way, too. B really wanted to put Jack’s mind at ease that there was nothing going on between them. Apparently, Jack had started to become suspicious of their relationship. Well, even though I was tired and had to be at work early the next day, I was sure as hell not going to leave those two alone together.
I walked into the bar and spotted B and Sheila throwing back shots like they were on Spring Break. I was sooo not impressed by her. I had pictured Sheila as this hot little cougar, but she looked more like a roughed-up stray cat. The term “rode hard and put away wet” came to mind. And she was already sloppy drunk which always makes a woman look so attractive. I actually thought less of B (if that was even possible at this point) for hooking up with her. So he introduced us (awkward!) and I ordered a beer. Then the three of us sat in uncomfortable silence. The tension running between us only got worse when Jack showed up.
First of all, I almost shit myself when he walked in. The bar we were at was a casual pool hall and most of the people in there were dressed in jeans and t-shirts. Jack showed up looking like freaking Grizzly Adams! He was wearing a HUGE 10 gallon cowboy hat [we live in Central IL, not Texas] and sporting one of those tacky suede jackets with fringe hanging down the sleeves. To top it off, he had a dark, John Holme’s porn ’stash and cowboy boots. There may have even been spurs on them. I was too afraid to look.
The four of us must have looked like the world’s oddest double-date. Things went downhill quickly. Sheila and B got more and more drunk, Sheila was blatantly flirting with B IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND, and I was sitting there PISSED. So that’s when I started getting mean. Real mean. I basically called Sheila a pathetic, washed up, old drunk TO HER FACE! I have never before or since spoken like that to someone. And I didn’t even like B that much! Why was I acting that way?
B and Sheila got up to pick out a song on the juke box and I’m sure to get away from me. So I’m left sitting there with Mountain Man Jack. I started talking to him and asking him if he thought anything was going on between those two. I asked him if he was embarrassed that his wife was acting that way right in front of him. I knew he was already suspicious so it wasn’t hard to push him over the edge. And man, did that fucker SNAP! Without a word, he got up from the table and started walking in B and Sheila’s direction. I started to think to myself that perhaps I had gone a tad too far and now thanks to me, B was going to get his ass kicked. Jack started SCREAMING at both of them and everyone in the bar was looking at the commotion. Sheila was trying franticly to calm Jack down and I was freaking out. Actually, I was trying to pretend like I didn’t know any of them. After a couple of VERY long/tense minutes, Sheila and Jack went off into a corner to talk and B and I got the hell out of there.
In the car on the way home all B kept asking was, “I wonder what made Jack act like that?” Hmmm, I wonder. B and I broke up shortly after that. This all happened three years ago. I don’t know if Sheila and Jack are still married and I don’t know if Sheila still works for B. Here’s my karmic payback for being a bitch. This past fall, B had his face plastered on billboards all around town as an advertisement for his company. I had to drive past them all the time and relive all the crappy memories of our short-lived relationship.
The Dutch Oven
Here’s a familiar scenario…boy meets girl, boy asks girl out on a date, they really like each other and decide to become exclusive, then the girl rips a juicy fart. Okay, maybe that’s not how most dating stories start out, but I’m wondering, when it is finally acceptable to fart in front of your honey? Or is it EVER okay?
I, for one, belong to the school of thought that you should let your freak flag fly early in a relationship so the person knows what they’re getting into. I just see no point in being fake. Where the hell does that get you? I also come from a long line of very gassy individuals and would probably blow up if I tried to hold it all in.
Now, I’m not suggesting you start taking dumps on one another’s chests and roll around in your own waste, but a healthy toot now and then should only strengthen a relationship. One of my ex-boyfriends was fond of farting, then saying, “Did you hear a duck?” Some woman would have been disgusted by that…I found it endearing.
I think one should preferably wait to fart until after the relationship has been consummated. Same goes for peeing, puking, or shitting in front of a sexual partner. Hold off on the uncontrollable stuff until you make them cum a few times. You don’t want to ruin the sexy too early do you?
When Fuck Buddies Attack, Part One
At some point in one’s life, you may have a “fuck buddy.” This is a person you do NOT want to date…you simple want to have sex with them. I don’t judge anyone that chooses to take a fuck buddy because I had one for a few months myself. I certainly didn’t start off looking for that, but what can I say, my hormones won over.
I started to date a guy who I quickly found out was a bit immature for his age. He was a nice guy, attractive and somewhat intelligent, but he was also still partying with twenty year olds every weekend (he’s 33 yrs old) and didn’t have a full-time job. Which meant, I got to pay for our dates (AWESOME!) or we split the bill or we just didn’t go out. After a month of this (and other issues I won’t get into) I was done. I ended things and that was that.
But…the sex was really good. So, long story short (and a few dirty texts later) I had him come over for a nooner. And so began our fuck buddy relationship. I was VERY CLEAR in the beginning as to what I wanted…sex with NO strings attached. This is where I think I should have been born a guy because I can easily separate sex from emotion and all I wanted was to call him up a couple times a week, cum like a banshee, and get back to my life. I mean, I have a blog to write, damn it! I didn’t even care if either one of us chose to date other people. Totally fine by me.
My married guy friend thought this arrangement was AMAZING and I would regale him with tales of our trysts. It was so fun, I was very happy and I was finally getting my freak on after a long dry spell. What single man wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement? Well, apparently, I got THE ONE GUY who had a problem with this. He started to get clingy, he wanted me to spend the night, he would want to cuddle and talk afterwards and I just wanted to get dressed and get him the hell out of my place. I started to feel like I was the guy in this situation and he was the big, fat Vagina McVaginastein.
I think I somehow hurt his feelings by not wanting anything more than sex and I’m sure I did treat him like a human sex toy, but was that so wrong? When did guys turn into overly emotional girls?
Maria Mouth’s Off
I’m bonding with my new pet parakeets (motherhood is sooo exhausting) so I’ve asked my friend, Maria, to write a post for me about something that most men will probably NEVER comprehend…her breast reduction.
Maria Mouth’s Off
This summer I will celebrate a special anniversary about something I am so proud of…EIGHT wonderful years of being small chested! Those who didn’t know me pre-titty reduction may think I have a nice sized chest right now. I’ll have to agree on that one What most people don’t realize is what my life was like when the original “girls” were around.
I had an average chest pre-puberty, but it didn’t take long to establish that “average” were not the words to describe my chesticles after my hormones had their way with me. My mother would yell at me to “stand up straight” and my response to her was, “YOU try to stand up straight carrying these things around!” I would get numbness and tingling at the top of my spine for years that I never associated with “the twins” until I had my reduction and the problem magically vanished.
I would flat out refuse to run and jump. Six years after my reduction, I ran the Chicago marathon (it happened to be the year it was crazy hot and they cancelled it, but that’s another story). I covered myself in large tops; the cute little shirts and tank tops did not look good on me. I did discover I had a stomach once the chest was gone, but nothing a little diet and exercise couldn’t fix. No more giant jugs to hide behind!
So to answer all the questions that are probably on your minds (and ones I get all the time):
1. I was a 40DD at 5′9″
2. They removed 5 lbs. of boob and I now wear a 38C
3. Insurance totally covered the entire procedure and it only took two weeks to get approved.
4. I didn’t take any pain medication for the IV placement, which turned out to be the worst part of the whole surgery. I have a high pain tolerance.
5. The worst part of the recovery process, besides the boredom, were having the stitches removed. I had to go to my happy place until the pain was dulled out after the first couple of minutes.
6. Yes, there are scars, but they are not prominent at all.
At the time of the surgery I was in a serious relationship and although my boyfriend was sad to see them go, he was fine with the results. In the eight years that have followed there have obviously been other men in my life and until I mention the surgery, they have no idea.
So the moral of the story, boys and girls, is if you have big ones and it is driving you insane, if insurance will cover it or if you can afford it…I say just do it! Boobie reduction is so worth it and even Mick Jagger approves.**
**I know that is a weird thing to say, but my close friends know what it means
I Heart Jason Schwartzman
I’ve been having a fairly shitty week and when that happens, I like to go to my happy place. For me, this means touching my lady parts whilst thinking of an actor I would like to have sex with. Don’t judge me…you freaky bastards have done it to! I tend to like more quirky men; no Brad Pitts for this gal. So, this week I’ve been concentrating quite heavily on Jason Schwartzman. For those readers who aren’t familiar with him, I’m here to enlighten you.
According to Wikipedia (where any educated person goes to get their information), Jason is an American actor and musician. He is probably most famous for his role a few years ago in Rushmore (and one of my all-time favorite movies.) Okay, he wasn’t wet panty worthy yet in that film, but he was hilarious. He really got my attention in “I Heart Huckabees,” a movie myself and about ten other people have seen. He had grown his hair out and was looking hot. I won’t go through his film list because that would be boring and bordering on stalkerish, but, if you haven’t seen “The Darjeeling Limited” you need to go out and rent it immediately. It’s fucking great. He not only starred in it, but he cowrote it, as well. He’s not just looks, he’s got a brain, too… love it. And his eyebrows are the most goddamn amazing things I have ever seen.
Oh, I forgot to mention he’s also Hollywood fucking royalty! His mom was Adrianne from all the “Rocky” movies AND his cousin is Sophia Coppola (which makes his uncle Francis Ford Coppola, but I like Sophia’s movies better.) AND he’s Jewish (I think). I may just be making that one up because I have a thing for Jewish men. Don’t even get me started on Adam Sandler.
Here’s the one thing about him I have to look past. He was in a band that wrote the song “California.” It was a decent song, until the TV show “The O.C.” used it as their theme song and played the hell out of it. Now that “The O.C.” has been off the air for awhile, I’m learning to forgive and forget.
Anyway, just bask in all of his awesome quirkiness and feel free to use the pics to your discretion. Close the bedroom door, light a few candles, and go at it. It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone.
Girl Talk
I love getting together with my girlfriends, especially when there’s alcohol involved. Here’s a list of quotes from a recent get together that involved eight hours of eating, drinking, and bonding. I am not using names, not so much to protect the innocent, but because I don’t want anyone pissed at me. Enjoy!
“My pubs look like a 40 year old man’s receding hairline.” Um, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
“One time, I got toe-fucked. It’s like getting fingered, but with toes.” I’m going to file this one under “THINGS I NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MY FRIENDS.”
“I was dating a guy who told me it would be okay if I wanted to pee on him.” If I remember correctly, this was also the same guy who told her she could stick her finger up his ass if she wanted to…she didn’t.
“I think my coochie lips taste like coffee.” Okay, I twisted that one a bit. She was actually talking about her lip gloss, but the rest of us were talking about coochies and we misunderstood.
“I was going down on a guy and in the middle of it, he asked me what I was doing that weekend. Was I supposed to answer or keep going?” Hmm, that is a predicament!
“I wish this couch had a toilet in it.” Yeah, I hate getting up to pee, too.
“I just had a baby…out of my butt!” This refers to the all enjoyable morning after pooh. It’s always a whopper when you’ve been drinking beer all night, followed by ten pounds of bean dip. Yummy!
Good Vibrations
Eden Fantasys
Life According To Candice
Grimace, My First True Love
There is a moment in every woman’s life that will change her forever. A moment when a new door is opened and suddenly, the world looks a little brighter. I am referring, of course, to the moment when a woman gets her first dildo.
Even though I used my mom’s “neck massager” from the time I was 8 years old pretty much until middle school (when it finally broke) I didn’t actually have a vibrator of my own until college. I received it as a “Secret Santa” present from my friend/co-worker, Molly. And yes, I was at work when she gave it to me. I’ll never forget unwrapping it as I was standing at the fragrance counter in the department store where we worked. The counter was surrounded by customers when I pulled out this giant purple faux cock. Molly was even thoughtful enough to have pre-inserted the batteries for me. She must have sensed I was going to use it IMMEDIATLEY when I got home.
My purple cock eventually earned the nickname “Grimace” after the big purple McDonald’s character. Over the years, my friends have given me different presents as a homage to Grimace. I have a small stuffed Grimace toy (that came with a Happy Meal) and a very phallic-looking purple vase. Grimace died a few years ago, but his spirit lives on. I now have a flesh-colored vibe and a pink one, too. But a girl never forgets her first BOB (battery operated boyfriend).
Grimace took me to amazing and wondrous places in my own body that I didn’t even know existed. He was powerful, yet tender. Demanding, yet gentle. Oh, and he made me cum like a porn star in under 5 minutes, which was the real reason I used and abused him. Boyfriends would get jealous, but I would let them know that my heart was big enough for two men in my life. They either had to get onboard or get the fuck off (no pun intended).
When it was finally time to lay Grimace to rest, I said a silent vow to never try and replace him with another purple cock and to this day I’ve kept my promise. Fleshy and Pinky just aren’t the same, but I will always cherish the memories of Grimace and myself, writhing in an ecstasy filled romp.
Author’s Note:
This post was inspired by a contest on one of my new favorite blogs, “Life According To Candice.” And no, this is not my good friend Candice L., this is another very funny Candice who lives in Dallas, TX. If you love my blog, I PROMISE you will love her’s, too. She shares my “no social filter” approach to blogging. Check her blog out at the link above. Also, check out Eden Fantasys if you’re feeling frisky and need a new “toy.”
And You Wonder Why You’re Single, Part II
Here’s another round of nonsensical, Craigslist hotties. As usual, I did not correct any spelling or grammar. Gentlemen, be afraid…be very afraid!
Post #1:
“Drive safely is important to me and I hate people who zig zag in and out of la”
I am 5 feet 6 inches with straight dirty blonde hair and a nice smile. I am addicted to movies. Faced iwth the bewildering choices of movies here’s a few I truly enjoyed. Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans, Network, and The Bridge on the River Kwai. I’m good at communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings. Driving safely is important to me and I hate people who zig zag in and out of lanes on the expressway. Think we’re the right fit? Please contact me to let me know why.
Brooke’s 2 Cents:
Okay, she didin’t put an age on this, but I’m guessing late 50’s to early 60’s by her choice in movies. “Bridge on the River Kwai?” HOT! What guy isn’t going to get hard reading this? And NOTHING turns a man on more than safe driving. I have a feeling this nut job may be a driver’s ed instuctor. Maybe she gives good road head?
Post #2
“Hi fellows. Hopefully one of you guys will be the one for me.”
Friends say I am a fun loving, affectionate young lady who knows what it takes to make a relationship work. I’m not a maid. I’m not into picking up after people who do not pick up after themselves. I am 5 ft. 7 in. with silky chestnut brown hair and a cute face. Wow…where do these authors come up the these stories. I love it. In recent past I have read books as Vanished, Danielle Steel & The Client, John Grisham.
Brooke’s 2 Cents:
This post actually starts off well, then she kills it with the maid comment. It’s a little hostile. Then she describes herself and kind of makes up for the maid thing. But, out of nowhere, she segways into books and it just doesn’t make any sense. It’s like she has ADD and is just writing the first thing that comes to mind. Don’t people read these over before they submit them? Wouldn’t she read this and think, “Wow, I am making NO sense at all and sound like a complete lunatic?” Oh, well, at least she’s a lunatic that can read.
Post #3:
“Helen-w4m”
something happened to me recently that awakend this inner woman in me that lusts to be used as a woman. anyways, for the longest time now, I’ve wanted to have a quickie in the back of a SUV. i just see how big some of these backseatstrunks are I admit my mind thinks dirty thoughts. please tell me if you think Im crazy for this kinda lust? i want to meet you at you workplace and we can have some luchtime fun.this has been a huge fatasy of mine for a long tiem. i really like guys who can do wonders with there tongue, and if you do it good enough you can stick you cock in me. If your serious about meeting up with me his me back here cutebookbuddies im under hellodoctor
Brooke’s 2 Cents:
Yes, Helen, I think you’re crazy and more importantly, your fanasy is stupid and so are you. You can’t spell or write for shit. You had some big awakening as a woman and your only fanatsy is to fuck in a car. Really? You could have done that in high school. And don’t you have a job? How the hell are you going to drop everything and meet some dude in a parking lot for vehicular sex? You are a moron.
Post #4:
” A shot at love with a Mixed-Asian darling”
A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years.
What Im looking for from Craigslist is someone who would luv too have company to do adult things in life with like (dinner, learning kama sutra, morning coffee, etc.)
Sometimes, I am sarcastic. Sometimes I am extremely blunt.
Dancing makes me happy. (Usually I do this alone in my room, heehee.)
In general, I like males who are good looking and strong, but can also b thoughtful and intellectual when the situation call for it.
Brooke’s 2 Cents:
Hey, Tila Tequilla, are you writing a Haiku? What you are looking for from Craigslist is called an STD. Yeah, I know SO MANY guys looking to learn from the Kama Sutra and drink coffee. Have you seen the Kama Sutra? Someone could get injured trying to duplicate those moves. Why don’t you insert “drink beer and get laid?” instead. I think you would get a lot more responses that way. And, yes, I dance in my room by myself, too…when I’m really fucking drunk and have no sense of balance or dignity left (heehee).
And You Wonder Why You’re Single, Part One
One of my favorite blogs is “Why Women Hate Men.” It’s about all the cheesy and horrific personal ads that men place. So in a nod to WWHM, I decided to see what the ladies were posting on craigslist.com personal ads in my area. Warning, the results are not pretty. Even though it killed me, I did not correct the spelling/grammatical errors so you could get the full effect of their lunacy.
Post #1
“I walk my talk therefore, hypcrites (yeah, you know who you are) bug me,” 40 yrs. old
Lust fades, so you’d better be with someone who can stand you. Looking for love not lust. Did I mention that I love movies? Here is one movie from the recent past that I’ve found memorable. Planet of the Apes…Let’s get to know each other…drop me a line with your thoughts.
Brooke’s 2 Cents: First, let’s overlook the obvious fact that the headline is a bit confrontational. I can’t get over that she admitted “Planet of the Apes” is her favorite movie! Is she talking about the shitty original version or the equally shitty remake starring Marky Mark? Does it even matter?
Post #2
“The superior man is modest in her speech, but exceeds in his actions, ” 32 yrs. old
Please don’t litter. Litterbugs aggravate me…If by chance this resonates with you please drop me a line.
Brooke’s 2 Cents: ??? Who is this going to resonate with- Johnny Appleseed? A Native American Indian with a tear running down his cheek? If her only qualification for a good man is one who doesn’t litter, she hasn’t set the bar very high.
Post #3
“big girls want love to.!!!”
Hey! !I’m a chubby, fun 20-something year old who likes too laugh…!!! Most days you can find me swimming or making friends with just about anyone who can get a laugh out of me!
The guy I seek should be cute, good looking, intelligent & considerate. He should have a job, and his own place to live. LOVE IS THE SELF-DELUSION WE MANUFACTURE TO JUSTIFY THE TROUBLE WE TAKE TOO HAVE SEX. I’m up for trying most new things, and I luv a little spontaneity every now & then.
Brooke’s 2 Cents: Where, oh where, to begin? She essentially just described herself as the female version of the Pillsbury Dough Boy- chubby & giggly. First of all, let’s ease up on the exclamation points! Okay!!! Second, why is she writing that a man has to be cute AND good-looking? Aren’t these pretty much the same qualities? And the fact that she misspelled half the words in this post, but one of her criteria for a man is that he be intelligent, proves she is a moron. And what is with the sentence about love being a cover up for sex? Is that what you tell yourself after you’ve just done the deed with a guy and he’s out the door as fast as he can get dressed? Fat & stupid is no way to go through life, Giggly.
Post #4
“Witty Korean looking for fun,” 35 yrs. old
This is the first time I register on a site like this. I have noticed that I have to describe myself in a few words. My friends say that I am like a cocktail. I have to a little bit of everything.I would like to establish a few ground rules. I like to make my own decisions. I usualy listen to one person and that’s me. I want someone who can like me for who I am and not for my looks or other I don’t know what criteria. I want what every normal women want. What do women want?
Brooke’s 2 Cents: WOW! That was so witty I peed myself laughing. I think Korea writes like she speaks- in broken English. She reminds me of freaking Lucy Lu in “Kill Bill.” This bitch ain’t taking shit from no one! And what does every normal woman want, Korea? Please tell me. I’m curious to see if we’re on the same page.
