Sexy Times
SWM Seeking A Good Time
If you are ever feeling down and want to bring a smile to your face, then I highly recommend going over to Craigslist and reading some of the unintentionally hilarious personal ads that men put up on the website. I like peruse these ads at least once a week to make myself feel better about my life 
. Most of them are XXX rated, almost as if they just saw a porn and took the dialogue from the film and typed it up. Are these men looking for a girlfriend or a hooker because I can’t tell.
But the VERY best ads are the ones in which the men attach a picture of themselves. Now, one would think they would put up a picture of their face, but that assumption would be wrong. No, these guys put up “dick pics” of themselves. A dick pic is exactly what it sounds like…a guy chooses to get himself “excited,” then makes the very rational and not at all creepy choice of taking a picture of his shaft and posting it online for ANYONE to see.
Because nothing is going to sell a quality woman on your personality quite like a picture of your little willy. I’m trying to picture the woman who would be seriously reading one of these personal ads and wavering as to whether or not to write to the guy she’s interested in. Thank God he included a dick pic, because that just sealed her decision to write to him! Seeing his boner made her think, “That penis could be my future husband and the father of my children someday.”
It’s so desperate it’s almost sad…almost.
Worst Double Date. Ever.
I have decided that on the weekends I will republish some of my favorite posts from last year. Since only a handful of my friends and family read my blog back then, these will bring a smile to a whole new group of readers. Enjoy!
I used to date a guy that I refer to as “B.” I wrote in an earlier post how there were six major red flags I chose to ignore, one of them being that he had fucked his secretary. Okay, so technically he hadn’t fucked her. They had gone out for drinks one night after work and she ended up coming back to his basement and he went “downtown” on her. Did I mention that she was married and about 15 years older than B? This little indiscretion happened about a month before I met B and he didn’t tell me about it right away, for obvious reasons. So this sets the stage for what happened when I came face to face with her. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about this incident because I do and say some very mean things and I may have caused the demise of his secretary’s marriage. You be the judge. Did I go too far?
I had just gotten off work when B gave me a call. He said that he and Sheila [the whore secretary] were at a bar down the street. They had just gotten done with an appointment [Sheila had to drive B around because he'd lost his license due to a DUI] and wanted to have a couple of drinks. Did I want to join them? Sheila’s husband, Jack, was on his way, too. B really wanted to put Jack’s mind at ease that there was nothing going on between them. Apparently, Jack had started to become suspicious of their relationship. Well, even though I was tired and had to be at work early the next day, I was sure as hell not going to leave those two alone together.
I walked into the bar and spotted B and Sheila throwing back shots like they were on Spring Break. I was sooo not impressed by her. I had pictured Sheila as this hot little cougar, but she looked more like a roughed-up stray cat. The term “rode hard and put away wet” came to mind. And she was already sloppy drunk which always makes a woman look so attractive. I actually thought less of B (if that was even possible at this point) for hooking up with her. So he introduced us (awkward!) and I ordered a beer. Then the three of us sat in uncomfortable silence. The tension running between us only got worse when Jack showed up.
First of all, I almost shit myself when he walked in. The bar we were at was a casual pool hall and most of the people in there were dressed in jeans and t-shirts. Jack showed up looking like freaking Grizzly Adams! He was wearing a HUGE 10 gallon cowboy hat [we live in Central IL, not Texas] and sporting one of those tacky suede jackets with fringe hanging down the sleeves. To top it off, he had a dark, John Holme’s porn ’stash and cowboy boots. There may have even been spurs on them. I was too afraid to look.
The four of us must have looked like the world’s oddest double-date. Things went downhill quickly. Sheila and B got more and more drunk, Sheila was blatantly flirting with B IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND, and I was sitting there PISSED. So that’s when I started getting mean. Real mean. I basically called Sheila a pathetic, washed up, old drunk TO HER FACE! I have never before or since spoken like that to someone. And I didn’t even like B that much! Why was I acting that way?
B and Sheila got up to pick out a song on the juke box and I’m sure to get away from me. So I’m left sitting there with Mountain Man Jack. I started talking to him and asking him if he thought anything was going on between those two. I asked him if he was embarrassed that his wife was acting that way right in front of him. I knew he was already suspicious so it wasn’t hard to push him over the edge. And man, did that fucker SNAP! Without a word, he got up from the table and started walking in B and Sheila’s direction. I started to think to myself that perhaps I had gone a tad too far and now thanks to me, B was going to get his ass kicked. Jack started SCREAMING at both of them and everyone in the bar was looking at the commotion. Sheila was trying franticly to calm Jack down and I was freaking out. Actually, I was trying to pretend like I didn’t know any of them. After a couple of VERY long/tense minutes, Sheila and Jack went off into a corner to talk and B and I got the hell out of there.
In the car on the way home all B kept asking was, “I wonder what made Jack act like that?” Hmmm, I wonder. B and I broke up shortly after that. This all happened three years ago. I don’t know if Sheila and Jack are still married and I don’t know if Sheila still works for B. Here’s my karmic payback for being a bitch. This past fall, B had his face plastered on billboards all around town as an advertisement for his company. I had to drive past them all the time and relive all the crappy memories of our short-lived relationship.
Porn…The Other White Meat
I’m not ashamed to admit that I enjoy a good porn from time to time. If consenting adults want to have sex on camera for money, who the hell am I to judge? Not that I would want my future daughter to receive the “Porn Starlett of Tomorrow” award, but if other people want to get nasty on film, I’m cool with it. However, I do have a couple of bones to pick with the industry about some weird shit that’s been going down lately.
Number one, can we stop with the whole “ass to mouth” thing? In laymen’s terms, that’s when a couple is having anal sex, then the guy pulls out his wang and the girl proceeds to give it a few suckles in her mouth. Um, NO! That shit is NOT right. If a man’s peen goes into a girl’s chocolate hole, why in the holy hell would she then voluntarily put it in her mouth?! DISGUSTING. Then, to top it off, the couple will kiss! Hmm, evidently there is no bigger turn on for a man than a girl who’s breath tastes like shit…literally.
Number two, I don’t care how much a woman is being paid (and it better be A LOT), but why, oh why, would a woman let several different guys jizz all over her face at the same time? These are referred to as “bukkake facials.” I have no clue what the word “bukkake” means, but it’s probably Chinese for “nasty ass sperm.” I mean, I’ve heard that cum does wonders for the skin, but that’s taking it a little too far. The non-porn equivalent of that would be to take cold pancake batter and pour it all over your face. YUCK. And how long do they have to walk around with all that baby gravy running down their chin?
Number three, I don’t like it when the actors are excessively tattooed and/or pierced. Like it’s not enough to look at a naked body, now I have to deal with taint jewelry and tats. If the tattoos suck, then it makes it even worse because I can’t stop thinking, “Why in the world would a woman get a picture of Popeye tattooed on her thigh?!” I find it very distracting and it gets in the way of me getting my groove on.
Number four, I can appreciate that some adult film directors take their work very seriously and they feel the need to have a story line going on, but it’s REALLY not necessary. Does anyone watch porn for the acting? No. Just shut up and have sex. In fact, they can start filming AFTER they’ve already taken their clothes off cause it’s tedious as hell to watch two people undress each other. Just get naked and get down to business.
So, in conclusion, no more ass to mouth, no talking, one guys jizz at a time, get naked quickly and have minimal tattoos & piercings. I think if the adult film industry follows my advice, they could really class up their reputation. Happy fucking!
Actors I’d Like To F**k: Neil Patrick Harris Edition
Yes, I am fully aware that NPH plays for the other team. I don’t care. I still REALLY, REALLY want to fuck him. I just can’t get over the fact that this handsome, witty, charismatic and extremely talented guy is the same actor who played “Doogie Howser, MD.” I watched that show growing up and never once thought he was cute. Well, if you had put a gun to my head and forced me to choose between tea bagging Neil or the guy that played Vinnie, I, of course, would have chosen the Doogster. But I digress.
I first discovered what a hottie Neil had become when “How I Met Your Mother” started airing on CBS a few years ago. I give him all the more credit because he plays Barney, the sexist, sex-obsessed, chauvanist character, flawlessly. I NEVER would have suspected him of loving the ‘peen. He MAKES that show. Without Neil, the other characters would be super annoying. Okay… wait, I take that back. I would like to fuck Jason Segal, too.
Anyway, Neil has been great in anything I’ve seen him do. He spoofed himself in the “Harold & Kumar” movies (which I own and can practically quote word for word), he was an AWESOME host on “Saturday Night Live,” and, although I missed it, I hear he was a terrific host of the Tony Awards this past year.
Dear, dear Neil…if you EVER decide to switch teams, may I please be the first the introduce you to the Vadge Hall of Fame? Thank you in advance for your consideration.
Doing The Hand Jive
Here’s another chapter from my book, “What Your Mother Won’t Tell You: Brutally Honest Advice For Young Women.” Enjoy!
Once you and your boyfriend start dating there will invariably come the point where the two of you will start making out and he will request one of two things: a hand job or a blowjob. Blowjobs are a bit more complicated and will be discussed in detail in the following chapter. So for now, we will break down the nuances of a great hand job. Depending on how comfortable you are with this boy or how much you’ve experimented up until this point, you may already know a thing are two about this subject.
But I’m going to pretend that this is the first hand job you have ever given so we can go slowly and get all the pointers down. First of all, you need to be prepared! You absolutely need some sort of lubrication to assist you in this little endeavor. If you have nothing, then spit will have to do, but I suggest carrying a travel size bottle of lotion in your purse. I really recommend unscented, unless you want your boyfriend’s dick to smell like roses (actually, this may not be a bad thing). Also, if you follow up the hand job with some oral action, then you’ll have to taste the scented lotion and TRUST me, it does not taste good.
So by this time, you and your man have fooled around a bit and he’s probably semi-hard, if not a full on brick. Start by giving his cock a few good rubs up and down before you take his jeans off. Don’t rush to get his pants off, either, as part of the excitement is the anticipation of what’s about the happen. Slowly and seductively unzip his jeans and pull them down. Again, give his some nice slow hand massages above his tighty whities to ensure he’s fully aroused.
Of course, you still want to make sure that the two of you are still making out while you’re doing all this, so these maneuvers require some multi-tasking abilities. If you are comfortable enough with your body, you can even let your girls out for him to play with while you perform the hand jive on him. Guys are quite visual and love to look at/play with/suck on a good pair of titties.
Next, you’re going to let his little man come out to play. I recommend pulling his undies all the way down as well so that you will be able to massage the balls, too. If you are not comfortable yet dribbling the balls, then you can let him keep his shorts on and just take his dick out through the flap in the front. Grab your lotion (or spit on your hand, which is so unlady like and gross, so I really urge you to use lotion), and put an ample amount on your hand. Honestly, the more the better. Then, slowly massage his cock. Be careful not to use just a straight up and down motion, but twist your hand around WHILE you move it up and down. It’s kind of the same motion you use when twisting the lid off of a soda bottle. Again, you’ll want to start off slow, then build up speed as he gets closer to ejaculating. You should also vary the pressure you use as well. He’ll let you know what feels good.
The head of the penis is more sensitive than the shaft, so really concentrate your movements on that area. If you feel comfortable, then use your other hand to gentle massage his balls. Don’t handle them too hard, as these are a tender area.
Most teenage boys have a hair-trigger cocks and are not going to be able to last more than a few strokes. They should, out of courtesy, let you know when they are about to cum. If he’s not telling you, then just ask. Usually, it’s pretty easy to tell because they’ll start breathing really hard, thrusting their hips, and yelling, “Oh my God, I’m going to cum!” You can then move your hand out of the way so their man juice doesn’t get all over you, or let them finish themselves off.
Here’s where having clean up tools comes in handy (no pun intended). In addition to lube, make sure you have tissues to wipe everything up, and hand sanitizer if you can’t wash your hands right away.
The most important thing to remember is to only do this if YOU want to, not because you feel pressured. And also, make sure he is doing something to reciprocate. Sex is a two-way street and both people need to feel satisfied. Okay, now that you’ve read the basics and feel prepared, get ready to do some stroking!
What Your Mother Won’t Tell You: Brutally Honest Advice For Young Women
Here’s a sample from an advice book to young girls that I started writing a few months ago. It’s called “What Your Mother Won’t Tell You: Brutally Honest Advice For Young Women.” And it is definitely honest. In fact, it’s so frank, I’m not sure if a book like this would ever sell. I imagine a parent would have to be either VERY liberal to buy something like this for their kid or just not give a shit. Oh, well…I have nieces I can pass this along to some day This is from the chapter entitled “Masterbation.” Enjoy!
Ladies, let your fingers do the walking! The sooner you learn how to pleasure yourself, the better. If you don’t know what makes you cum, how is a guy going to magically know? If you are uncomfortable touching yourself, then use a vibrator. They are fairly easy to come by and your mom probably has one tucked in a dresser drawer. Buy one online, whatever it takes, but just get one. You won’t be sorry!
Since this isn’t a clinical book, I’m not going to bore you with medical terms, but most women come from clitoral stimulation. The clit is located at the top of your coochie and it is essentially a mini penis. Yes, that’s right, a mini penis! When you were forming in the womb and mother nature decided you would be a girl, your clit stopped growing and you got a vagina. If you had been a boy, the clit would have kept growing into a penis.
The clit is ultra sensitive and it’s what needs to be stimulated in order for most women to reach orgasm. Occasionally, some woman can cum from having their inner “G” spot stimulated. I have to admit, the G spot feels good, but I’ve never had an orgasm from that alone. I’m a clit girl! Sometimes I barely even have to touch it and I’m cumming like crazy. The more you stimulate your clit, the easier it will be for you to reach orgasm during sex. I like to think of the clit as a little muscle that you have to work out- use it or lose it!
Another reason it’s super important to make yourself cum is that you will not always have a man (or another woman) to do it for you. It’s an awesome stress reliever and a really good sleeping aid. One good orgasm and I’m out like a light. I also think it makes you so much more in touch with your body and an all-around happier person. Orgasms are the ONE great pleasure we get in life that we can do with or without someone, so why not experience all it has to offer?
The Sassy Brit
Okay, really this post could be a cross between “Actors I’d Like To F**k” and “Movies I Love” because it really encompasses both. If you don’t know who Simon Pegg is, then I truly feel sorry for you because the man is both a great actor/writer, and also a comic genius. Oh yeah, and he’s British.
I first discovered Simon a few years ago when “Shaun of The Dead” came out. It’s a spoof of “Night of the Living Dead” with a cute little love story thrown in there. He wrote it with his friend and fellow Brit, Nick Frost (who also stars in the film). If you’ve never seen this film, go out and rent it TODAY. It’s awesome and I own it.
I thought Mr. Pegg couldn’t out do himself, but I was oh-so-wrong. “Hot Fuzz” came out a couple of years later and it’s even better than “Shaun of The Dead.” Again, it stars (and was written by) Simon and Nick, but this time they are cops in a small English town where a string of murders are occurring. Its witty, quirky, eccentric and I love it. If you’ve never seen this film, go out and rent it TODAY. It’s awesome and I own it.
The last film I’ve seen Simon in was “Run, Fat Boy, Run.” It’s directed by David Schwimmer (Ross from “Friends”) and it tells the story of a man who is trying to win back his baby momma by competing in a marathon against her current fiancée (played by Hank Azaria). Sadly, Nick Frost does not make an appearance in this film, although a variety of actors from the first two movies have cameos throughout. If you’ve never seen this film, go out and rent it TODAY. It’s awesome and …wait a second. I actually don’t own this movie…yet.
Actors I’d Like To F**k: Peter Billingsley Edition
So Cute!
So Hot!
EVERYONE knows actor Peter Billingsley. For those of you living under a rock for the last 20 years, he played Ralphie in the classic film, “A Christmas Story.” I also vividly remember him as “Messy Marvin” in the Hershey Syrup commercials of the early 80’s. He did a shit ton of work as a child actor and the last thing I remember seeing him in when I was young was an after school special “The Fourth Man” where he plays a teen who gets hooked on steroids in order to be on the track team. His performance was riveting. This TV movie also starred a very young Vince Vaughn and the two became best friends and remain so to this day.
As an adult, Peter DID NOT get hooked on drugs and end up a tragic cliché as so many child stars before him have done. He actually became a successful producer and continues to act in small roles. He was in “The Breakup” as one of Vince Vaughn’s character’s friends, and he’s also in “Four Christmas” with him, too. He produced and starred in Vince’s “Wild West Comedy Show” which toured across the country a couple years ago and Peter produced the documentary which chronicled all their shenanigans.
As you can see for yourselves, little Ralphie has turned into a major hottie. Normally, men with eyes that blue can be a bit creepy/Arain-esque, but Peter pulls it off. Now I just have to try really hard not to think of him wearing that pink bunny suit his aunt got him for Christmas
The Dutch Oven
Here’s a familiar scenario…boy meets girl, boy asks girl out on a date, they really like each other and decide to become exclusive, then the girl rips a juicy fart. Okay, maybe that’s not how most dating stories start out, but I’m wondering, when it is finally acceptable to fart in front of your honey? Or is it EVER okay?
I, for one, belong to the school of thought that you should let your freak flag fly early in a relationship so the person knows what they’re getting into. I just see no point in being fake. Where the hell does that get you? I also come from a long line of very gassy individuals and would probably blow up if I tried to hold it all in.
Now, I’m not suggesting you start taking dumps on one another’s chests and roll around in your own waste, but a healthy toot now and then should only strengthen a relationship. One of my ex-boyfriends was fond of farting, then saying, “Did you hear a duck?” Some woman would have been disgusted by that…I found it endearing.
I think one should preferably wait to fart until after the relationship has been consummated. Same goes for peeing, puking, or shitting in front of a sexual partner. Hold off on the uncontrollable stuff until you make them cum a few times. You don’t want to ruin the sexy too early do you?
When Fuck Buddies Attack, Part One
At some point in one’s life, you may have a “fuck buddy.” This is a person you do NOT want to date…you simple want to have sex with them. I don’t judge anyone that chooses to take a fuck buddy because I had one for a few months myself. I certainly didn’t start off looking for that, but what can I say, my hormones won over.
I started to date a guy who I quickly found out was a bit immature for his age. He was a nice guy, attractive and somewhat intelligent, but he was also still partying with twenty year olds every weekend (he’s 33 yrs old) and didn’t have a full-time job. Which meant, I got to pay for our dates (AWESOME!) or we split the bill or we just didn’t go out. After a month of this (and other issues I won’t get into) I was done. I ended things and that was that.
But…the sex was really good. So, long story short (and a few dirty texts later) I had him come over for a nooner. And so began our fuck buddy relationship. I was VERY CLEAR in the beginning as to what I wanted…sex with NO strings attached. This is where I think I should have been born a guy because I can easily separate sex from emotion and all I wanted was to call him up a couple times a week, cum like a banshee, and get back to my life. I mean, I have a blog to write, damn it! I didn’t even care if either one of us chose to date other people. Totally fine by me.
My married guy friend thought this arrangement was AMAZING and I would regale him with tales of our trysts. It was so fun, I was very happy and I was finally getting my freak on after a long dry spell. What single man wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement? Well, apparently, I got THE ONE GUY who had a problem with this. He started to get clingy, he wanted me to spend the night, he would want to cuddle and talk afterwards and I just wanted to get dressed and get him the hell out of my place. I started to feel like I was the guy in this situation and he was the big, fat Vagina McVaginastein.
I think I somehow hurt his feelings by not wanting anything more than sex and I’m sure I did treat him like a human sex toy, but was that so wrong? When did guys turn into overly emotional girls?
