Charities
Those Little Red Buckets…
As I step out of my car, I can hear a familiar sound echoing in the distance. It starts out faintly, but as I walk towards the store, it gets louder and louder. I start to get those nervous butterflies in my stomach and I am now breaking out in a cold sweat. The sound of jingle bells grows louder and louder with each step. Is that Santa working those bells? Hell no. It’s some pissed off guy, who’s freezing, standing beside a Salvation Army bucket.
I am now about eight feet away from Mr. Jingles. I HATE this part more than anything. There is no way I can get into the store without walking directly by him. I tell myself, “Don’t make eye contact. Just keep your head down and keep walking.” I can feel Jingles judging me, as his gaze burns a hole in my winter coat. He purposefully starts ringing his bell even harder as I walk by. He says, “Merry Christmas!,” but I know he’s really saying, “Screw you for not putting any money in my bucket, bitch!”
Dear God, how many times do I have to relive this scenario in the course of a holiday season?! Those freaking buckets are EVERYWHERE! If I donated to every single one that I passed by while running errands and shopping, I would be broke. This year, I decided to take a stand and only donate to the one at my grocery store. I decided that, no matter what, I would give them something every time I was there. So, like most people, I take a $1 bill and fold it over enough times to where it looks like I’m actually giving a whole stack of money. Suckers!
Seriously though, does the Salvation Army need to stake people out at EVERY Schnuck‘s, Cub Foods, Jewel, Walgreens, CVS Pharmacy, Macy’s, Carson’s, JC Penney’s, Sears, Best Buy, Big Lot’s, Sam’s Club, Target, Wal-Mart, Meijer’s, K-Mart (okay, you get the idea), within a 10 mile radius of where I live? Have they heard of something called “overkill?” I would be more apt to give a few big donations instead of pulling my dollar trick, if they would ease up and put out less buckets. And who are they getting to ring those bells? I’m really starting to think some people had a community service obligation they needed to fulfill from a past DUI/petty crime conviction because they DO NOT look happy to be there.
I would also like a present of some sort for my donation. Nothing fancy, possibly a tiny candy cane or a Hershey’s kiss, just something so that I know the Salvation Army really appreciates my dollar. And maybe they could stop with the bell ringing altogether. I mean, we can SEE you! You’re loitering in front of a tall red bucket contraption IN FRONT of the door I need to walk in, for Christ’s sake! Do my ears need to be assaulted with incessant ringing, too?! I think not.
In summation, Salvation Army, you need fewer buckets, more presents to give away, and less bell ringing. I have every confidence that this fine organization will take my suggestions to heart and turn things around in time for next year. In the meantime people, keep your heads down and DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!
Relay of Stress
Maybe Not The Best Team Logo...Oops!
For some unknown reason (probably guilt), I decided I just HAD to be team captain of my company’s Relay For Life team this year, which benefits the American Cancer Society. Here are some of the valuable lessons I learned from this experience.
1. If organizing a team and raising money for a cancer charity actually drives you to start smoking again, it may not have been worth it.
2. When stress causes you to have a constant twitch in your left eyelid for two months, it may have not been worth it.
3. If you spend more money organizing a silent auction than what you actually raised at said auction, it may have not been worth it.
4. If you have to start bargaining with your fellow team members to get them to participate, it may have not been worth it.
5. If you have to start adding fake team members to your roster just to have enough people to qualify, it may have not been worth it.
6. If you have to nag and plead other managers in your district to PLEASE raise SOME money, it may have not been worth it.
7. If you thought it was a great idea to have a pirate theme for your team, then buy tons of stuff with skull and crossbones on it, only to realize that a symbol of death is probably not appropriate at an event honoring those that died of cancer, it may have not been worth it.
8. If you realize this event takes place at one of your company’s busiest times of year, thus inducing mild heart palpitations from the added stress, if may have not been worth it.
9. If you have to spent $70 of your own money to register your team and never get reimbursed for that amount, it may have not been worth it.
10. If you are so completely and utterly burned out by the time of the relay that you just want to blow the entire thing off, it may have not been worth it.
Wow, did that list sound a little bitter or what?! Okay, I really do want to sincerely thank all my friends and family who contributed to my team. We raised over $1,000 dollars for cancer research and I’m sure once I drink away the memory of organizing this event, I will participate again next year (just not as the team captain)!
I Heart Earth Day…And I’m Not Even A Dirty Hippie
I wasn’t born yet, but I’m pretty sure when Earth Day was originally founded back in the 70’s, it was probably a bunch of patchouli smelling hippies holding hands around a newly planted sapling. We’ve come a long way, baby. Now, Earth Day is more likely to be celebrated by WASPY yuppies in their oh-so-environmentally friendly Prius…assholes. Actually, I’m just jealous, because if I could afford a Prius, my wannabe ass would be looking down my nose at all you gas-guzzling bitches. I like feeling superior to people. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling deep inside.
So…I can’t afford an expensive electric car, so what else can I do to celebrate Earth Day? Oh my, I think I just had an epiphany! Shouldn’t we be celebrating Earth Day (wait for it)…EVERYDAY?! Sweet Jesus, I know we need to be doing something to clean up this roach motel we call Earth. We’ve populated it to maximum capacity, we’ve polluted it worse than a frat house after a kegger, and ONE DAY a year is supposed to make up for it. I DON’T THINK SO. Mother Nature is like an abused housewife who gets the shit beat out of her for overcooking the pot roast, so I, for one, am going to be taking some steps to clean up this hell hole. Okay, baby steps.
For starters, I have started using all those Clorox “Green Works” products and they actually do a really good job. I also bought a bunch of bags to use when I go to the grocery store. Granted, I forget them in my car trunk EVERY FUCKING TIME, but still, the thought is there. I’m fairly certain that my toliet is low-flow because if I take a big pooh, I usually have to flush a couple of times to get it all down. Hmm…not sure if that is hurting or helping the cause.
The big thing I would like to start doing is recycling. In fact, I’m going to look into it RIGHT NOW. And one day, when I become illegitimately knocked up, I will use cloth diapers! And breast feed so I don’t have to buy bottles! And have an orgasmic water birth! Okay, I don’t think that really helps the environment, but I think it looks really cool.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Sadly, this will be the first time in years I am not going out on St. Paddie’s Day. This makes me very, very sad. I have to attend a Relay For Life captains meeting after work. Who the hell is the genius that scheduled the first meeting on St. Patrick’s Day?! Way to go motherfucker, or, as the Irish would say “For the love of fuck!” I hope all the people that have cancer or are going to get cancer appreciate the fact that I am giving up the one day a year when it’s okay to behave like an ass, to raise money for a “cure.” Giving my time to charity is all fine and dandy, but when it starts to interfere with my drinking, I really need to step back and reavalute my priorites. You know, little Alejandro never interfered with my ability to get my drink on. Hmm… I may have to rethink giving up on Christian Children’s Fund. To all of you going out tonight and getting completely shitfaced, DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE and have a green beer for me!
My Bastard Son
Not Alejandro, But Close
Christian Children\'s Fund
I have an illegitimate Mexican son named Alejandro. Was he the result of a torrid affair with a hot-blooded Latin man? Sadly, no. Alejandro came to me through the Christian Children’s Fund. You know those commercials where the old pervy guy wearing kakis and birkenstocks tells you that for the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you can help feed a hungry child? Yeah, I’m the person that fell for it.
You see, even though I can be very bitchy about many things, I do have a soft spot for orphans [see my post "Poor Kids"]. So one day, even though I had watched those commercials a thousand times before (and usually changed the channel because, let’s face it, they’re depressing) that particular day something struck a chord in me. I promptly got online and went to their website. The first thing I got to do was pick out my kid. It’s fun! It’s like you are shopping for children although it did make me feel a tad “To Catch A Predator.”
I chose Alejandro because he was young (around 1) and he looked like he really could have been the result of a one night stand between me and a hot Mexican. So I signed up and anxiously awaited my “welcome kit” in the mail. It came a few days later and I tore open the envelope as soon as it arrived. Inside was a pic of Ali (my nickname for him) and a letter about his family. I framed the pic immediately and secretly wished whoever took it had wiped some of the dirt off his face, but maybe they wanted him to look really poor/desperate.
The letter described his family. He was the youngest of three kids (I see the family didn’t feel the need to practice birth control) and it listed his dad’s occupation as a peasant and his mom’s as a servant. Hmm, did I accidentally sign up to support a Medieval English family? I mean, are peasant and servant really “occupations?” I think not.
I was excited anyway and wrote my first letter to the family. I also enclosed a photo of myself with my family. The guidlines for photos were very strict. I couldn’t send any photos that showed material possessions such as a car or house, I’m assuming so that the poor people wouldn’t feel even worse about themselves. So I sent a pic of my family sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner and then later realized maybe they would be pissed off to see a bunch of pudgy white people eating so much damn food. I think it was cool though, because I got a letter back from his “real” mom thanking me for my support. I definitely got the feeling this bitch was way jealous of the amazing bond that Alejandro and I had created in such a short time span. I had dreams of Ali one day coming to the states to go to college and I could visit him on Mom’s Weekend. It would be so great.
Alas, I couldn’t keep up with the $25 a month payments. And the Christian Children’s Fund kept sending me letters asking for even more per month, those selfish bastards. So even though it killed me a ltittle inside, I had to cut off Ali and his freeloading family. I’m sure his whore mother talked shit about me and tried to turn him against me. But I know one day that little Ali will find me. While Paul Simon’s “Mother and Child Reunion” plays softly in the background, Ali and I will have a glorious reconnection. I can’t wait!
