The College Years
The Wreck
The Setting: $1 Pitcher Night At My Fave College Bar, January 2000
The Characters: Me & My Friend Erica
Act One
I was out drinking, drinking, drinking up those dollar pitchers on a Wednesday night back in college. The semester was a week away from starting and I was enjoying the last few nights of freedom I had until classes started up again.
I was out with several of my friends and we closed down the bar. When it was time to leave, Erica hopped in my car because she lived the closest to me. I was SURE I was okay to drive. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but I got distracted and was looking at Erica, not the road, while we were conversing. The next thing I knew, CRASH…right into a tree.
Act Two
I had run into one of those boulevards that have a divider in the middle with trees on it. I tried backing up my car, but it wouldn’t move. Then, to my left, I see two people running out of their apartment and over to my car.
“Oh, my God! We heard you crash from inside our apartment! Are you okay? Don’t worry, I’m a volunteer EMT and I called 911.” Only I would crash in front of a building where EMTs lived. I started to panic because I knew a DUI was in my near future. Erica was trying to calm me down and all I remember is her saying, “Be cool, be cool.” Within minutes, the street was blocked off by two cop cars, a fire engine, an ambulance and a tow truck. It looked like a fucking ten car pile up had taken place. I mean, was the fire engine really necessary?
The cops asked us to step out of the car. Erica had to climb out my side because her door was crushed. Thank God we were wearing our seatbelts or our heads would have hit the windshield. Probably not hard enough to really hurt us (I wasn’t going THAT fast) but just enough to have a concussion. I had to follow the cops hand with my eyes and take a breathalyzer, which I did NOT pass.
Here’s where I got REALLY lucky. I did NOT, I repeat did NOT get a DUI. I don’t know why, but the cops just gave me two tickets (failure to reduce speed to avoid an accident and improper lane usage) and drove me home. That was it.
Thank you, Town of Normal police officers for saying a big, “fuck you“ to your civic duty and letting me off the hook. I didn’t even have to perform a sexual favor or anything in return. Who says cops are pigs? Oh, and the tree I hit eventually died. I still feel bad about that to this day.
Revenge Of The Nerds
During my early twenties, I attended my fair share of 21st birthday celebrations. The following account is the WORST party I went to…ever.
A guy I barely knew, I think his name was Dane, was turning 21. He was a friend of a friend so somehow I got invited to the birthday festivities. Even though Dane and his circle of friends were a bit nerdy (they were all computer majors…probably rich now) I thought, “What the hell? This could be fun.”
His friends had rented out a condo (where the hell they got the money to do this, I have no idea) and got two kegs. This is the scene I walked into: an underwhelming 10 people singing “The Barbie Song” (remember that gem) on a micro phone that was hooked up to a laptop, not a karaoke machine. Vic, the host of this nightmare, was running around putting towels on the carpet so nothing would spill on them, and another guy was walking around with a mini tape recorder. Yes, a MINI TAPE RECORDER. Were they going to LISTEN to highlights of the party after it was over?
Then the bathroom door opened and I got to witness the birthday boy vomiting all over himself. NICE. He then passed out in the bedroom and I didn’t see him again for the rest of the night. At least they didn’t make me pay for a cup. The fun kept right on rolling when I was introduced to the guy who had rented the condo out for Dane and company.
He went by the name “Spock.” No, I’m not making that up. Spock went to a community college for three years and a state school for 5 years. He wasn’t even graduating until the following December. Hmm, let’s see, he was 25 years old, he’d been in college for eight straight years and he wasn’t pre-med. Oh, and he still lived in the dorms. Ding, ding, ding…we have a winner!
I had two beers and got the hell out of there ASAP. The whole thing was like a scene right out of “Revenge of The Nerds.” Not that I was super cool in college, but…a mini tape recorder?! Seriously?
Walk O’ Shame
I was driving to work on a recent Saturday morning when I saw a sight so familiar, it made my heart skip a beat. I witnessed a young girl doing “The Walk of Shame” or TWS for short. I know this walk all too well, although it’s been years since I’ve had to do one. Many of these walks took place while I was in college. I’m not even going to explain what one is because I KNOW, dear readers, that you’ve all had to do one at least once in your life. The best TWS story I ever heard was from a former co-worker of mine named Mike.
Mike was your typical frat guy; good looking and he knew it. Mike was also as dumb as a box of rocks and had NO personality whatsoever, but he had the best “hook-up” stories, so when we were slow at work, I’d make him tell me one. Warning- Mike comes off as an incredible asshole in this one (not surprising), but remember, he was really, really dumb.
Mike hooked up with a very drunk sorority girl (shock!) and they came back to his apartment to get it on. They fooled around and then passed out in his bed. When Mike woke up a few hours later, he smelled something awful. He then discovered that his lovely date had shit herself in his bed. ALL OVER HIS BED. Mike freaked out, wrapped her naked body up in the sheets and laid her outside on his front lawn. I repeat, he wrapped her up and laid her outside! Can you imagine what the hell must have been going through this poor girl’s head when she woke up naked, covered in shit, outside in an unfamiliar neighborhood, and had to walk her happy ass home? I would have been power walking back to my place at the speed of light. I’m assuming Mike put her clothes out there, too, but I’m actually not sure if he did or not. What if she’d walked home all wrapped up in the sheets like the freaking Statue of Liberty? And what do you say to your fellow sorority sisters once you get there? “Yeah, I don’t know what happened. We were fucking and the next thing I know, I’m covered in my own fecal matter on the front lawn. How weird is that? Anyone got a mint, my breath tastes like shit!”
Can I Freshen Up Your Rubbing Alcohol?
When I was in college, I drank a variety of horrible concoctions. My favorite drink of choice was Sunny D and Osco Brand Vodka. Occasionally, I would mix it up with Crystal Palace or Five O’Clock Brand Vodka, whatever was on sale at the time. All three tasted like rubbing alcohol and burned like hell going down. My friend Candice and I would fill up Rubbermaid water bottles almost to the top with the vodka, then fill the rest with Sunny D. It was a LITTLE strong to say the least, but it did the job well. We would be drunk in no time flat. The parties we attended were usually BYOB and these were so much easier to carry than cases of beer and cheaper because we wouldn’t have to pay to use the keg.
Vodka was always my liquor of choice. You could mix it with virtually anything so the possibilities where endless. One night, in a pinch, I even mixed it with Pepsi and it wasn’t as disgusting as it sounds. I also remember taking shots of things that no human being should consume. I’ve done shots of Goldschlager (which makes me gag even thinking about it) and my personal favorite, tequila poppers. I had these beauties my sophmore year in college and after that night, I have never been able to drink tequila again. We mixed a shot of tequila with Sprite, slammed the shot glass down so it “popped,” then drank it. I did one after another which resulted in me urinating myself as well as puking in the sink in my dorm room. Not good. To this day, I hate even the smell of margaritas.
I especially love it when people try to get creative at parties and make up their own cocktails. My friend Samantha did this one year at a Halloween party and we still make fun of her because of it. She read a recipe in a magazine for an alcoholic drink that contained allspice as one of the main ingredients. Here’s a tip, allspice and alcohol don’t mix. To give you an idea of what it tasted like just try this: shit in a blender and fill it with equal parts vodka and Tang. Then sprinkle some allspice on top. Hmm…yummy!
Now that I’m a bit wiser, I stick to plain old beer or white wine. I’m past the days of experimenting with my liquor. I’m sure my body and my taste buds are thankful for this.
