My Semi-Normal Friends
She Must Have Been High…
Okay boys and girls, today’s post is brought to us by one of my friends who is a self-proclaimed “stoner.” Their name has been left out to protect their identity,however, I now have future blackmail material for the rest of their life. Yeah, I basically own this bitch now 
Enjoy!
Sometimes I think I’m clever when I’m high and I write things down that I either want to do or create. Sometimes I even write ideas for movies and short films. I then stick these things in random places… like the back of notebooks, magazines, or a book I was reading at the time and come across it months later with no recollection of it other than I can recognize my own handwriting. While it’s amusing to read afterward, I always feel embarrassed for my stoned self. The high me thinks, “This is the best idea ever!” and the sober me thinks, “You are a fucking pot head.”
Must’ve Been High, Finding #1
I’m going to type this exactly as it’s written so it’s not going to make much sense. I think it was an idea for a mockumentary.
Audition-
Fake auditions to find widower’s ideal woman to marry.
It will be a romantic story based on the widower’s documentary.
Love triangle between a dancer, a patron, and a down syndrome boy.
-Film Maker- will arrange the story.
So is the “Film Maker” a character in the mockumentary or was I already passing the buck for completing this clusterfuck of an idea to the film maker who “will arrange the story”? It’s like I thought I was cranking out million dollar ideas. “You want this nugget… it’ll cost ya! Now go finish the story and let me smoke my dope” And WTF… in what universe would a dancer, a patron, and a down syndrome boy become entangled in a love triangle?
The only answer is… I must’ve been really high.
The (Depraved) Facts Of Life
This past week I just learned some new and very interesting facts of life which I have to share with my readers. Just when I thought I had heard it all, my friends prove they are still full of depraved and fascinating information. Enjoy these tidbits of wisdom and keep passing them along to the next eager beaver!
Did you know that if you are a woman and you are menstruating, you cannot go anywhere near monkeys or they will try to have sex with you? I did not know this, either! My friend’s boss used to be a researcher of some sort and he has very extensive knowledge of the ape world. Here’s another insight… you can make a monkey ejaculate by sticking an electronic probe up it’s ass. Now, I know everyone reading this is going to IMMIEDIANTLY got out and try this little party trick, but don’t do it. You must be a highly trained scientist to perform a feat of this nature.
My other (male) friend just informed me about the joys of having a piss boner. He called it a “poner” and apparently this is when a guy wakes up in the morning with an erection, but it’s really just caused by him having to urinate. As soon as they pee, it goes away. Why in all my 31 years on the planet have I never heard of this before?
I also found out that there is something more extreme than a woman‘s “camel toe.” Readers, if you are not familiar with what a camel toe is, then you are just going to have to Google that shit for yourself because I am NOT describing one. Anyway, it’s come to my attention that an extreme camel toe is called a “moose knuckle.” Oh my God, WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS?! I hope to hell I never have to meet a person who would actually be sporting a moose knuckle. I shudder just to think what that must look like.
I know you all will want to send me “thank you” cards for this enlightening post, but it’s really not necessary. If I can save just one menstruating woman from getting raped by a monkey, then I’ve done my job and I can sleep soundly at night knowing the world is a safer place. Amen.
Happy Tacky New Year!
New Year’s Eve is tomorrow…what are your plans? For the last few years (or, as long as they’ve been married) my friends, Samantha & Travis, have thrown a party at their house because it’s also Travis’s birthday. Yeah, how bad does it suck to have your birthday on New Year’s Eve? That’s second only to having it on Christmas and just ahead of the 4th of July. Thank God mine is just past Labor Day or I’d be screwed, too!
Anyway, that fact that they have a party at their house is beneficial to me in several ways. First of all, they have three bathrooms, so I never have to wait in line. That is FANTASTIC because I inherited my mom’s bladder, which is the size of a pea.
Secondly, I can get REALLY drunk and just crash at their place, thus not having to worry about driving home or getting a taxi. And I swear, the bed in their guest room is the most comfortable mattress on the face of the earth. I feel like I’m an angel sleeping on a cloud whenever I stay there.
Third, everyone drinks for free because Travis built his own bar complete with a Kegerator in their basement! Yeah! Do you know how ridiculously expensive it is to drink at a bar on New Year’s Eve?! You damn near have to dip into your 401 (k) just to cover the tab.
Lastly, this year will be amazing because the theme is “Tacky Christmas Sweaters.” There will be a vote on who has the tackiest sweater of them all, and I’m sure an awesome prize will be given out as well. Since my mom felt insulted when I asked her if I could have one of her tacky sweaters to wear, I’m going to have to do some power shopping to find a beauty. I MUST win!
So boys and girls, no matter what you do this New Year’s Eve… be safe, be happy, and above all else, be tacky! And for God’s sake, kiss SOMEONE at the stroke of midnight!
“Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ? Should old acquaintance be forgot, and old lang syne ?”
The Christmas Party
Oh, the joys and hangovers of a good Christmas party! Whether you have several parties to attend this holiday season or just one, there is always a common thread weaving these festivities together…someone is going to get WAAY too drunk and make an ass of themselves. Or, in the case of my friends, we all get way too drunk together and each of us takes a turn making an ass of ourselves.
Here’s some highlights from a Christmas party I attended Saturday night. I would like to preface this by saying we are all hard working, non-white trashy people in our early thirties, who for some reason, get really stupid when all together.
The first thing I learned last night, is that it is possible to break a beer bottle over one’s head and not have it hurt. There is a certain technique to performing this trick and all I’ll say is that my hand (yes hand) hurts today from trying to do it.
The second thing I learned is that too much wine = my friend, who will remain nameless, mooning an entire kitchen full of people.
Third, one of my friends did a pity make out with a retarded boy when we were in high school…okay not really, but she went along with this joke and we had several people convinced it happened.
Fourth, the same friend that performed the full moon also likes to put tiny ornaments down her shirt so it appeared she had very pointy nipples.
Fifth, once the liquor is flowing, family secrets come rushing out! My friend’s boss told us his cousin murdered his mother and father with a hammer and screwdriver ten years ago. Merry Christmas!
Sixth, too much Jack Daniels= my friends fiancé spending the remainder of the night in the bathroom.
Seventh, I got to hear a great dating horror story from a fellow single lady which involved the guy she was set up with shitting his pants on their first date.
Eighth, I was asked by a guy, the same one with the murdering cousin, if I would like to donate my eggs to him so he can have a child. I told him if he makes me a worthy enough offer, I might consider.
Ninth, it is possible to pooh while throwing up in your hands at the same time. I mean, not that I know…someone else at the party did that…anyway…
Ten, if you can’t be stupid around your friends, who can you make an ass of yourself around? I’m already looking forward to the New Years Eve party!
The Wreck
The Setting: $1 Pitcher Night At My Fave College Bar, January 2000
The Characters: Me & My Friend Erica
Act One
I was out drinking, drinking, drinking up those dollar pitchers on a Wednesday night back in college. The semester was a week away from starting and I was enjoying the last few nights of freedom I had until classes started up again.
I was out with several of my friends and we closed down the bar. When it was time to leave, Erica hopped in my car because she lived the closest to me. I was SURE I was okay to drive. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but I got distracted and was looking at Erica, not the road, while we were conversing. The next thing I knew, CRASH…right into a tree.
Act Two
I had run into one of those boulevards that have a divider in the middle with trees on it. I tried backing up my car, but it wouldn’t move. Then, to my left, I see two people running out of their apartment and over to my car.
“Oh, my God! We heard you crash from inside our apartment! Are you okay? Don’t worry, I’m a volunteer EMT and I called 911.” Only I would crash in front of a building where EMTs lived. I started to panic because I knew a DUI was in my near future. Erica was trying to calm me down and all I remember is her saying, “Be cool, be cool.” Within minutes, the street was blocked off by two cop cars, a fire engine, an ambulance and a tow truck. It looked like a fucking ten car pile up had taken place. I mean, was the fire engine really necessary?
The cops asked us to step out of the car. Erica had to climb out my side because her door was crushed. Thank God we were wearing our seatbelts or our heads would have hit the windshield. Probably not hard enough to really hurt us (I wasn’t going THAT fast) but just enough to have a concussion. I had to follow the cops hand with my eyes and take a breathalyzer, which I did NOT pass.
Here’s where I got REALLY lucky. I did NOT, I repeat did NOT get a DUI. I don’t know why, but the cops just gave me two tickets (failure to reduce speed to avoid an accident and improper lane usage) and drove me home. That was it.
Thank you, Town of Normal police officers for saying a big, “fuck you“ to your civic duty and letting me off the hook. I didn’t even have to perform a sexual favor or anything in return. Who says cops are pigs? Oh, and the tree I hit eventually died. I still feel bad about that to this day.
Revenge Of The Nerds
During my early twenties, I attended my fair share of 21st birthday celebrations. The following account is the WORST party I went to…ever.
A guy I barely knew, I think his name was Dane, was turning 21. He was a friend of a friend so somehow I got invited to the birthday festivities. Even though Dane and his circle of friends were a bit nerdy (they were all computer majors…probably rich now) I thought, “What the hell? This could be fun.”
His friends had rented out a condo (where the hell they got the money to do this, I have no idea) and got two kegs. This is the scene I walked into: an underwhelming 10 people singing “The Barbie Song” (remember that gem) on a micro phone that was hooked up to a laptop, not a karaoke machine. Vic, the host of this nightmare, was running around putting towels on the carpet so nothing would spill on them, and another guy was walking around with a mini tape recorder. Yes, a MINI TAPE RECORDER. Were they going to LISTEN to highlights of the party after it was over?
Then the bathroom door opened and I got to witness the birthday boy vomiting all over himself. NICE. He then passed out in the bedroom and I didn’t see him again for the rest of the night. At least they didn’t make me pay for a cup. The fun kept right on rolling when I was introduced to the guy who had rented the condo out for Dane and company.
He went by the name “Spock.” No, I’m not making that up. Spock went to a community college for three years and a state school for 5 years. He wasn’t even graduating until the following December. Hmm, let’s see, he was 25 years old, he’d been in college for eight straight years and he wasn’t pre-med. Oh, and he still lived in the dorms. Ding, ding, ding…we have a winner!
I had two beers and got the hell out of there ASAP. The whole thing was like a scene right out of “Revenge of The Nerds.” Not that I was super cool in college, but…a mini tape recorder?! Seriously?
Walk O’ Shame
I was driving to work on a recent Saturday morning when I saw a sight so familiar, it made my heart skip a beat. I witnessed a young girl doing “The Walk of Shame” or TWS for short. I know this walk all too well, although it’s been years since I’ve had to do one. Many of these walks took place while I was in college. I’m not even going to explain what one is because I KNOW, dear readers, that you’ve all had to do one at least once in your life. The best TWS story I ever heard was from a former co-worker of mine named Mike.
Mike was your typical frat guy; good looking and he knew it. Mike was also as dumb as a box of rocks and had NO personality whatsoever, but he had the best “hook-up” stories, so when we were slow at work, I’d make him tell me one. Warning- Mike comes off as an incredible asshole in this one (not surprising), but remember, he was really, really dumb.
Mike hooked up with a very drunk sorority girl (shock!) and they came back to his apartment to get it on. They fooled around and then passed out in his bed. When Mike woke up a few hours later, he smelled something awful. He then discovered that his lovely date had shit herself in his bed. ALL OVER HIS BED. Mike freaked out, wrapped her naked body up in the sheets and laid her outside on his front lawn. I repeat, he wrapped her up and laid her outside! Can you imagine what the hell must have been going through this poor girl’s head when she woke up naked, covered in shit, outside in an unfamiliar neighborhood, and had to walk her happy ass home? I would have been power walking back to my place at the speed of light. I’m assuming Mike put her clothes out there, too, but I’m actually not sure if he did or not. What if she’d walked home all wrapped up in the sheets like the freaking Statue of Liberty? And what do you say to your fellow sorority sisters once you get there? “Yeah, I don’t know what happened. We were fucking and the next thing I know, I’m covered in my own fecal matter on the front lawn. How weird is that? Anyone got a mint, my breath tastes like shit!”
Can I Freshen Up Your Rubbing Alcohol?
When I was in college, I drank a variety of horrible concoctions. My favorite drink of choice was Sunny D and Osco Brand Vodka. Occasionally, I would mix it up with Crystal Palace or Five O’Clock Brand Vodka, whatever was on sale at the time. All three tasted like rubbing alcohol and burned like hell going down. My friend Candice and I would fill up Rubbermaid water bottles almost to the top with the vodka, then fill the rest with Sunny D. It was a LITTLE strong to say the least, but it did the job well. We would be drunk in no time flat. The parties we attended were usually BYOB and these were so much easier to carry than cases of beer and cheaper because we wouldn’t have to pay to use the keg.
Vodka was always my liquor of choice. You could mix it with virtually anything so the possibilities where endless. One night, in a pinch, I even mixed it with Pepsi and it wasn’t as disgusting as it sounds. I also remember taking shots of things that no human being should consume. I’ve done shots of Goldschlager (which makes me gag even thinking about it) and my personal favorite, tequila poppers. I had these beauties my sophmore year in college and after that night, I have never been able to drink tequila again. We mixed a shot of tequila with Sprite, slammed the shot glass down so it “popped,” then drank it. I did one after another which resulted in me urinating myself as well as puking in the sink in my dorm room. Not good. To this day, I hate even the smell of margaritas.
I especially love it when people try to get creative at parties and make up their own cocktails. My friend Samantha did this one year at a Halloween party and we still make fun of her because of it. She read a recipe in a magazine for an alcoholic drink that contained allspice as one of the main ingredients. Here’s a tip, allspice and alcohol don’t mix. To give you an idea of what it tasted like just try this: shit in a blender and fill it with equal parts vodka and Tang. Then sprinkle some allspice on top. Hmm…yummy!
Now that I’m a bit wiser, I stick to plain old beer or white wine. I’m past the days of experimenting with my liquor. I’m sure my body and my taste buds are thankful for this.
Val Vents: Stupid Workplace Phrases
I hate people that still use the term “think outside the box.” Seriously, this phrase is more played out than the phrase “played out.” Does anyone really respond well to this saying? Does a team leader actually say this and all of a sudden, little bulbs light up above the team member’s heads?
Team Leader, “Okay everyone. We’ve got a big project here. I really want you to think outside the box on this project.”
Team Member, “Oh my god… this whole time I have been INSIDE the box! So…what you’re saying is we should be thinking OUTSIDE the box. EUREKA!”
Just say what you mean. Stop coming up with the same old shit, you assholes! If only I could live in a world where I could say what I mean and not get fired for it.
Another work related phrase I loathe is “on the fly.” It basically means we are making this shit up as we go. I started hearing this used repeatedly at a conference I attended. It was like their fucking mantra. Annoying as hell.
Brooke’s Two Cents:
My district manager is famous for saying “how high is high?” So what this means is that if we meet our sales plan, we still could have done better and made even more money. This philosophy is basically saying that no matter what we do, it will never be good enough because we always could have done more. How fucking motivating. How about it readers? Do you have any workplace sayings that are like nails on a chalkboard to your ears?
Val Vents: “Fuck Cancer!”
I’ve asked a few of the funny and talented people I know to pretty please be guest writers for me.
The first guest writer is my friend Val and I keep telling her she needs to start a blog of her own! She does blog on myspace, but I think EVERYONE needs to read the thoughts in her twisted brain. Take it away Val!
Val Vents
Hello and thank you, Brooke Amanda, for inviting me to add to your uproariously funny blog of the same name [Brooke's note-I didn't even make her say that!] Some of your readers may already know who I am, but I thought a formal introduction would be appropriate. Hi, I’m Val. Brooke and I have been friends forever, but I do feel a little left out of her life as I have never been invited to play “Poor Kids.” I was, however, a member of the “Pink Flamingo’s” so I guess that makes up for it. (FYI…Brooke was the treasurer of the PF’s and has yet to divvy up the funds from our membership dues when we disbanded over 20 years ago. I want my money back! No, Brooke, I am never letting that go!)
Today, I’m going to vent about one of the many things that annoy me. Top of the list and today’s topic: Cancer Bracelets. You know what I’m talking about. It all started with Lance Armstrong, the ball-less wonder, and his LiveStrong campaign. Since then, the yellow bands have transformed into every color of the rainbow and for every cause you can think of. I hate these things. Awesome of you to support such a good cause by shelling out $2 bucks for a plastic bracelet made in China to wear around like a self-righteous prick while acting like you really made a difference. Give me a break! I shit you not, I was in a meeting with a guy who had three of them on. THREE! WTF?! He even had his sleeves rolled up, I assume to better showcase his many charitable causes. My hope is that, someday, cancer bracelets will actually be linked to causing cancer because they contain asbestos from the Chinese factory they were made in.
Serves you right. LIVE STRONG AND FUCK OFF.
