The (Depraved) Facts Of Life
This past week I just learned some new and very interesting facts of life which I have to share with my readers. Just when I thought I had heard it all, my friends prove they are still full of depraved and fascinating information. Enjoy these tidbits of wisdom and keep passing them along to the next eager beaver!
Did you know that if you are a woman and you are menstruating, you cannot go anywhere near monkeys or they will try to have sex with you? I did not know this, either! My friend’s boss used to be a researcher of some sort and he has very extensive knowledge of the ape world. Here’s another insight… you can make a monkey ejaculate by sticking an electronic probe up it’s ass. Now, I know everyone reading this is going to IMMIEDIANTLY got out and try this little party trick, but don’t do it. You must be a highly trained scientist to perform a feat of this nature.
My other (male) friend just informed me about the joys of having a piss boner. He called it a “poner” and apparently this is when a guy wakes up in the morning with an erection, but it’s really just caused by him having to urinate. As soon as they pee, it goes away. Why in all my 31 years on the planet have I never heard of this before?
I also found out that there is something more extreme than a woman‘s “camel toe.” Readers, if you are not familiar with what a camel toe is, then you are just going to have to Google that shit for yourself because I am NOT describing one. Anyway, it’s come to my attention that an extreme camel toe is called a “moose knuckle.” Oh my God, WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS?! I hope to hell I never have to meet a person who would actually be sporting a moose knuckle. I shudder just to think what that must look like.
I know you all will want to send me “thank you” cards for this enlightening post, but it’s really not necessary. If I can save just one menstruating woman from getting raped by a monkey, then I’ve done my job and I can sleep soundly at night knowing the world is a safer place. Amen.
Lord help us all!
I knew monkeys were pests. They are so gross!
I have heard of “moose knuckle”. Don’t go to youtube.
Folks, do not under any circumstances try that electrical probe thing on your pet monkey. Also, on yourself. Just trust me on this one, OK?
Reforming Geek- Now I’m going to have to goggle mooseknuckle!
Mike- Truer words were never spoken.
that was the most enlightening dinner I have ever attended except I don’t remember the “poner” conversation… maybe that was from somewhere else.
Thanks for not discussing my indiscretion with regard to my pity date. Oh wait, you already blogged about that… bitch. Granted, you said it was a joke but I have a feeling that more people are believing it than not believing it… I’M TOO CONVINCING WHEN I PLAY ALONG. Oh when will I ever learn???
Your friend’s boss knows this because he was a researcher of some sort, huh? That’s what they all say.
“How did you know that about monkeys?”
“Uhh. I was, uh…a researcher.”
“Of what?”
“Of some sort. Trust me!”
Val- The “poner” conversation was something Dylan shared with me a few nights before
Jeff- You’re right! He didn’t really go into specifics about his job title. Hmm…
what’s wrong with me….I knew all this shit!
…OMG! I never realized how ridiculous I sound until it is all played back to me. Murderous cousin, Monkey AIDS, baking bread. I ‘AM’ a Lifetime movie! It was an infectious disease research facility, seriously. Although the title of “Primate fluid collector” wasn’t in the job description when I applied for the position… Oh, and Val, we really DO believe. It’s ok, we all take one for the team from time to time.
Colleen- Too funny!
Eric- I can start a script on your life and, by God, we WILL make it into a Lifetime movie!!!