February 2010 Archives
The Hacker
I would like to go back in time to last Friday. Back to a time when my computer was still protected against a spyware program called “Vista Internet Security.” Little did I know that this was not an anti-spy ware/malware program, but it was indeed spyware itself.
No, I did not know this, so I spent $50 to “download” this crap. And, as I soon discovered, once you have downloaded it, your keystrokes are logged and sent to a server somewhere that a hacker has access to. And I really wish I had not paid ALL my bills online before becoming suspicious and Googling the program, only to discover it was all a horrible, horrible hoax.
Most of all, I wish I didn’t have to turn around and pay $80 to get a REAL spyware program to take it off my computer. So, now a hacker has access to all my credit card numbers, my debit card number and all my passwords. Awesome. But most of all, I would like to know why my existing spy ware didn’t catch it and allowed me to download it in the first place.
In closing this post, I would like to say that I hate technology and all computer hackers should burn in hell. And if my identity is stolen, I WILL hunt down the hacker who stole it and do really horrible, nasty, unspeakable things to them…we’re talking Scarface shit here.
SWM Seeking A Good Time
If you are ever feeling down and want to bring a smile to your face, then I highly recommend going over to Craigslist and reading some of the unintentionally hilarious personal ads that men put up on the website. I like peruse these ads at least once a week to make myself feel better about my life 
. Most of them are XXX rated, almost as if they just saw a porn and took the dialogue from the film and typed it up. Are these men looking for a girlfriend or a hooker because I can’t tell.
But the VERY best ads are the ones in which the men attach a picture of themselves. Now, one would think they would put up a picture of their face, but that assumption would be wrong. No, these guys put up “dick pics” of themselves. A dick pic is exactly what it sounds like…a guy chooses to get himself “excited,” then makes the very rational and not at all creepy choice of taking a picture of his shaft and posting it online for ANYONE to see.
Because nothing is going to sell a quality woman on your personality quite like a picture of your little willy. I’m trying to picture the woman who would be seriously reading one of these personal ads and wavering as to whether or not to write to the guy she’s interested in. Thank God he included a dick pic, because that just sealed her decision to write to him! Seeing his boner made her think, “That penis could be my future husband and the father of my children someday.”
It’s so desperate it’s almost sad…almost.
Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen
How many Hollywood actors does it take to make a crappy romantic comedy? Apparently, the answer to this question is nineteen. Yes, NINETEEN actors are all “starring” in the newly released film “Valentine’s Day.” My friend Kelly has a theory about why movies with too many big name actors always suck. It’s “too many cooks in the kitchen.” I have to agree with her on that one.
In all fairness, I have not (nor will I ever) seen this film because I hate cutesy shit like this with a vengeance. Not to mention the fact that I cannot stand most of the actors who are in it. Here is the complete roster of dreadfulness:
Jessica Alba- She’s a marginal actor at best, but something about her makes me want to stab her in the face. Repeatedly.
Kathy Bates- Okay, I actually really like her and think she is an amazing actor, but I’m wondering what the hell she is doing in this movie. Guess she just needed a paycheck and I won’t hold it against her. We all have bills to pay.
Jessica Biel- Here are the words that come to mind when describing Biel…boring, pukey, weird shaped mouth, fake relationship with Justin Timberlake.
Bradley Cooper- I really used to like Mr. Cooper, but ever since he started dating Renee Zell-whatever he’s starting to grate on my nerves.
Eric Dane- I don’t watch “Grey’s Anatomy” so he gets a free pass since I have no clue if he can act or not. Oh, and he gets bonus points for being hot.
Patrick Dempsey- What, did he and Eric Dane make a pact they will only work on projects with one another from now on?! Okay, I can’t really say anything too mean about my former childhood crush so Dempsey gets off easy as well (that’s what she said)!
Hector Elizondo- Yeah, no clue who the hell this guy is. I think he may have played the hotel guy who helps Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman,” but I’m too lazy to Google that right now.
Jaime Foxx- Oh God, just go away already! I hate it when mediocre actors play one pivotal role and suddenly they think they’re the shit. Yeah, Jaime, I do remember when you were playing an ugly woman on “In Living Color.” And is he an actor, is he a singer, what the hell is he doing with his career?! His Grammy performance was AWEFUL.
Jennifer Garner- She’s so boring that I’m actually indifferent.
Toper Grace- He’s cute, but he will NEVER shake off his Eric Foreman image from “That 70’s Show.” Never.
Anne Hathaway- Fugly, gangly and toothy all come to mind when thinking of her.
Ashton Kutcher- Another “70’s Show” alumni! What is going on here? Is Wilmer Valderama in the cast, too?!
Queen Latifah- I do like her, plus she seems like she could kick my ass so that’s all I have to say about the Queen.
Taylor Lautner- Since I’m not into the whole “Twilight” thing, I’ve never seen him act. I do have trouble getting past his scrunched up looking face, though.
George Lopez- The man survived a kidney transplant and THIS is what he chooses to do with his life?! Oh, George…
Shirley McClane- I could watch Shirly take a dump and be enthralled. I hope I’m as ballsy as she is when I’m her age.
Emma Roberts- This is Julia’s niece and I know nothing about her so she’s off the hook, for now.
Julia Roberts- Yeah, so she got her niece a job, so what? I’m thinking Ms. Roberts might be the one bright spot in this POS film.
Taylor Swift- Well, I did think she was funny when she hosted SNL a few months ago, so we’ll see how she does in her film debut.
Wow, that was a LOT of actors! I can’t believe that Sandra Bullock or Cameron Diaz weren’t available for this fiasco, but something tells me they were probably asked and (wisely) passed. So, has anyone seen this movie yet? Is it as bad as it looks, or am I completely wrong?**
**I’m never wrong.
Brooke’s Book Review: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
I started a book club this year to help keep me from sliding into an illiterate funk and, so far, it’s been quite successful. In addition to our first official book club selection, “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” by Stieg Larsson, I’ve also re-read two of my favorite books by my favorite writer, Arthur Nersesian.
The first meeting of “The Bookies,” as I stupidly named us, took place at a Mexican resturant and not so coincidentally fell on half-price margarita night I think having most of the members drink giant punch-sized bowls of alcohol really aided in stimulating the conversation.
Only one member admitted to not reading any of the book, one person half finished it, and two members had the ingenius idea of sharing the book. One member read the first half, the other member read the second half, then they filled each other in on what happened. NOTE: This is NOT the kind of book you can start in the middle and know what the hell is going on, as evidenced by the fact that that member was totally lost on the plotline.
There is A LOT going on in this book, so I’ll sum it up by picking out some key highlights:
*** A journalist with a tarnished image is hired by an old, wealthy man to solve a decades long mystery involving his niece, who vanished one day and was never heard from again. Okay, that is the main plotline.
*** There is a sub-plot involving a private investigator (who is actually the girl with the dragon tattoo) and let’s just say something really, really bad happens to her and she gets MAJOR revenge. It involves her using a butt plug in a very interesting way. Enough said.
*** There is also a serial killer in the story and in one of his crimes he kills a woman who owns a pet shop and shoves a parakeet up her vadge. NOTE: I own two parakeets and just threw up in my mouth thinking about my birdies going anywhere near my lady parts.
So, this book does have some twisted parts and it is set in Sweden so you have to get past all the foreign names, but once you get past the first half you CANNOT put the book down. I stayed up one night reading until 3:00 A.M. just to see what would happen next. It’s seriously that good.
Our February pick is “Lamb” by Christopher Moore. It’s the story of Jesus as told by his childhood friend Biff. What, you never heard of Biff before? Well, looks like you better start reading!
Christian Vs. Keanu
I’m ashamed to admit this now, but my first celebrity crush was on a crazy Scientologist. Granted, I didn’t know when I was in third grade and watching “Top Gun” what a complete freak show Tom Cruise would turn out to be; all I saw was a cute guy with a great smile named Maverick. My crush on Tommy boy lived all the way through grade school until junior high, when I discovered a little hottie named Christian Slater.
Oh, Christian! He was always the rebel. The bad boy. I lusted after his prepubescent body in “The Legend of Billy Jean” and “Gleaming The Cube.” Then, he grew into full-blown hotness in “Pump Up The Volume,” “Young Guns,” and “Heathers.” LOVED him in “Heathers!” He was channeling a creepy, Jack Nicholson-esque vibe and I dug it. He even starred with Patrick Dempsey in “Mobsters.” Patrick was my secret crush because he was still pretty dorky back then (who the hell knew he would turn into McDreamy?!), but according to my Seventeen magazine, he and Christian did not get along on set. Patrick found Christian to be very temperamental, but that only made me like him more.
As I matured into a high schooler, my tasted in men changed as well. That’s when I saw “Point Break” starring one Mr. Keanu Reeves and I was instantly taken by him. OH MY GOD he was HOOOOOT! And he still is! Sadly, Christian’s hairline has seen better days, but Keanu looks almost exactly the same after all these years. I think this just proves the fact that stoners age quite well
Sure, he sounds like a surfer when he speaks, but I was willing to over look that one tiny flaw. He was just too beautiful. “Speed” really sealed the deal for me. I had a snow day at school, so my mom and I rented that movie and watched it to pass the time. I think even though my mom can’t pronounce his name to save her life, that she had a bit of a crush on him, too.
I distinctly remember cutting out pictures of Christian and Keanu from all my teeny bopper magazines and taping them to the full length mirror in my bedroom. It was like a shrine of hotness. I fully believed I was going to grow up and marry one of them. And you know what? I do believe they are both single at the moment…
She Must Have Been High…
Okay boys and girls, today’s post is brought to us by one of my friends who is a self-proclaimed “stoner.” Their name has been left out to protect their identity,however, I now have future blackmail material for the rest of their life. Yeah, I basically own this bitch now Enjoy!
Sometimes I think I’m clever when I’m high and I write things down that I either want to do or create. Sometimes I even write ideas for movies and short films. I then stick these things in random places… like the back of notebooks, magazines, or a book I was reading at the time and come across it months later with no recollection of it other than I can recognize my own handwriting. While it’s amusing to read afterward, I always feel embarrassed for my stoned self. The high me thinks, “This is the best idea ever!” and the sober me thinks, “You are a fucking pot head.”
Must’ve Been High, Finding #1
I’m going to type this exactly as it’s written so it’s not going to make much sense. I think it was an idea for a mockumentary.
Audition-
Fake auditions to find widower’s ideal woman to marry.
It will be a romantic story based on the widower’s documentary.
Love triangle between a dancer, a patron, and a down syndrome boy.
-Film Maker- will arrange the story.
So is the “Film Maker” a character in the mockumentary or was I already passing the buck for completing this clusterfuck of an idea to the film maker who “will arrange the story”? It’s like I thought I was cranking out million dollar ideas. “You want this nugget… it’ll cost ya! Now go finish the story and let me smoke my dope” And WTF… in what universe would a dancer, a patron, and a down syndrome boy become entangled in a love triangle?
The only answer is… I must’ve been really high.
The Joys of Cooking
Is there anyone out there who truly enjoys cooking and if so, please tell me why. I just don’t get it. Granted, I was raised by a woman who thought scrambled eggs constituted a gourmet dinner, so I really don’t come by this skill naturally. If I can’t microwave, boil or re-heat something in under 10 minutes, then it’s just not worth my time.
I know some people find cooking to be a creative outlet or a stress reliever after a long day at work, but I find coming home and doing an additional two hours worth of cooking to be a stress inducer. I stand on my feet all day; the last thing I want to do is slave over a hot meal. And it’s not that I can’t cook, I just choose not to cook. I can follow a recipe if one is set before me, but it’s not something I would ever voluntarily do. I also have so few foods in my pantry at any given time, that to whip up an impromptu dinner would consist of peanut butter, Spanish rice, bread, eggs and Fiber One bars. Hmm, that sounds yummy, doesn’t it?
So far, I’ve been lucky in my avoidance of cooking because I have only myself to feed. I’m a little worried about what’s going to happen when I get married and have kids. I guess that’s what a crockpot was invented for; just dump a bunch of food into a pot and heat the hell out of it. You can make virtually anything into a stew, right? Maybe I’ll have to call up my mom and get her special family recipe for all the following dinners I was raised on: popcorn, ice cream, Stove Top stuffing, Kraft Mac & Cheese, burnt pork chops, dry hamburgers, mystery meatloaf, any kind of canned vegetable and the afore mentioned scrambled eggs. Now, combine any two foods from the list and that was what we ate for dinner. Every night. I’m not kidding. Yes, my future husband will be a lucky, lucky man. Oh well, at least I’m good at cleaning.
The (Depraved) Facts Of Life
This past week I just learned some new and very interesting facts of life which I have to share with my readers. Just when I thought I had heard it all, my friends prove they are still full of depraved and fascinating information. Enjoy these tidbits of wisdom and keep passing them along to the next eager beaver!
Did you know that if you are a woman and you are menstruating, you cannot go anywhere near monkeys or they will try to have sex with you? I did not know this, either! My friend’s boss used to be a researcher of some sort and he has very extensive knowledge of the ape world. Here’s another insight… you can make a monkey ejaculate by sticking an electronic probe up it’s ass. Now, I know everyone reading this is going to IMMIEDIANTLY got out and try this little party trick, but don’t do it. You must be a highly trained scientist to perform a feat of this nature.
My other (male) friend just informed me about the joys of having a piss boner. He called it a “poner” and apparently this is when a guy wakes up in the morning with an erection, but it’s really just caused by him having to urinate. As soon as they pee, it goes away. Why in all my 31 years on the planet have I never heard of this before?
I also found out that there is something more extreme than a woman‘s “camel toe.” Readers, if you are not familiar with what a camel toe is, then you are just going to have to Google that shit for yourself because I am NOT describing one. Anyway, it’s come to my attention that an extreme camel toe is called a “moose knuckle.” Oh my God, WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS?! I hope to hell I never have to meet a person who would actually be sporting a moose knuckle. I shudder just to think what that must look like.
I know you all will want to send me “thank you” cards for this enlightening post, but it’s really not necessary. If I can save just one menstruating woman from getting raped by a monkey, then I’ve done my job and I can sleep soundly at night knowing the world is a safer place. Amen.
