January 2010 Archives
Ask And Ye Shall Be Torn A New One
If you are a blogger and would like to whittle away any remaining shreds of self-confidence you have, then by all means submit your blog for a review at “Ask And Ye Shall Receive.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking this site…I’m hooked on it like a cracky to his pipe!
They are brutally honest and make no apologies for it, which I respect (it takes a bitch to know a bitch), but DAMN they can be harsh! They pick apart not only the content of a blog, which is obviously the most important part, but also the layout, color scheme, font, ect.. And God forbid if you have too many badges cluttering your blog…they HATE badges, in particular any of the Humor Blogger badges (so I guess I would be screwed because I’m a member of HB). Some of the reviewers are kinder than others, so if you’re lucky you may get off with just a slighty wounded ego and not a full blown ass-shredding.
That being said, the bloggers who get an unfavorable review need to suck it up and realize that they got exactly what they asked for in the first place. The URL for the site is http://iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com. What in the holy hell did you think was going to happen? They even have a warning on the “Submit Your Blog” page which states:
“Okay. Having read the FAQ, you need to realize that if you now subsequently submit your shitty-assed blog to our site, with its ugly black letters on top of a pea-green background, we are going to rip you a new hole to shit through. I’m not joking here. You will get reamed. It’s a promise. After the reaming, you will be redirected to the FAQ. You know, the one you should have read BEFORE submitting.”
If, after reading this, you do in fact submit your shitty- ass blog and they do as promised and rip you a new poop-hole, don’t leave comment after comment bitching about it. Remember, YOU WILLINGLY SUBMITTED YOUR BLOG TO THIS KIND OF SCRUTINY! It just makes that particular blogger look like a whiney- ass baby who needs to spend more time improving their content and less time crying about it.
And that’s precisely why I will NEVER, EVER submit my blog for a review. I prefer to live in my own delusional world and think my blog, much like myself, is absolutely freakin’ perfect and there is not a damn thing I could do to improve it. Not a damn thing!
Hooked On Phonics
I used to be a fairly avid reader, but over the last few years, my reading skills have declined significantly. Enough so that I’m amazed I don’t need to use “Hooked On Phonics” just to get through my People Weekly magazine. To remedy this sad situation, I decided to start a book club for myself and my friends.
We’re called “The Bookies” ( I know it’s a tad gay, but I couldn’t come up with anything better) and so far we have 11 members, although some just joined for the monthly meetings which will involve alcohol, so we’ll see how many people actually read the book I picked. We’re going to meet on the first Thursday of the month, so our first official meeting won’t be until February. I’ll be writing a review of each book we read, along with what everyone in The Bookies thought of it. So…this should be interesting.
If anyone would like to read along with us, our first book is “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” by Stieg Larsson. I’m about half-way through and it’s really intriguing so far. My friends mom read it and told her there was some kinky sex stuff involved, but up until last night everything I read was pretty tame. And then I got to the chapter she must have been talking about because *SPOILER ALERT* one of the main characters gets raped…anally…with a butt plug. But it’s cool because they get an AWESOME revenge on their attacker. I can’t wait to see how it finishes out! Happy reading!
I Like It Strong
Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying that the FDA will discover what a completely addicting drug caffeine is and outlaw it’s distribution. Specifically, my drug of choice is coffee. I used to be a big soda person (or as we call it here in Central Illinois, “pop”), but now it makes my stomach hurt and I always feel so bloated after I drink it, that it’s just not worth it anymore. I don’t need to consume any liquid that makes me look six months pregnant.
Since I’m a bit of a coffee coinsure, I’ve decided to rate the Cup 0’ Joes around my town, starting from the best to the worst. Since I drink plain old regular coffee, with cream and two Splendas (it HAS to be Splenda), these places are not being rated on their fancy shit, just unflavored regular.
Dunkin’ Donuts (*****): If heaven had a taste, then this coffee would be it. It is so freaking good! It’s like God himself came in a cup and we all get to drink in his essence. I truly believe the good folks at Dunkin’s add a tiny bit of crack to each Styrofoam cup, just to keep you coming back for more. And you know what? I’m okay with that.
Gloria Jeans Coffee Beans (****): GJ’s has grown on me over the years mostly because it’s right by my store in the mall. So they get a star for convenience AND they open up a half hour before the mall does, so I can sneak down there for a beverage before I have to be nice to people for the rest of my day. Their coffee is also pretty strong and they have a different blend of “regular” every day, from Hawaiian to Ethiopian (who knew they made coffee?), so it never gets boring.
Starbucks (***): I will never understand why people rave so much about Starbucks, because their regular coffee kind of sucks. It tastes like someone ashed a cigarette in it and it has a funky aftertaste. I did give them an extra star because it is strong and, in my opinion, if coffee doesn’t give you at least a slight heart palpitation, then it’s not strong enough.
McDonald’s: (-10,000 stars): Oh McDonald’s, what the fuck happened to your coffee?! It used to be amazing, but ever since they switched to the whole “McCafe” thing it SUCKS. It’s super weak and tastes like shit. It reminds me of crappy hotel coffee that you make in your room in those tiny little pots. It’s so bad that there have been days I’m willing to suffer without any coffee at all rather than drink that putrid hot mess. True story. There is a McDonalds on my way to work and sometimes I’ll consider getting it, especially if I’m really tired, but then I come to my senses and wait it out until Gloria Jean’s opens. Their sweet tea, on the other hand, is AWESOME, as are there fries, so they’ll always have a life-long customer in me, just not for their coffee.
Porn…The Other White Meat
I’m not ashamed to admit that I enjoy a good porn from time to time. If consenting adults want to have sex on camera for money, who the hell am I to judge? Not that I would want my future daughter to receive the “Porn Starlett of Tomorrow” award, but if other people want to get nasty on film, I’m cool with it. However, I do have a couple of bones to pick with the industry about some weird shit that’s been going down lately.
Number one, can we stop with the whole “ass to mouth” thing? In laymen’s terms, that’s when a couple is having anal sex, then the guy pulls out his wang and the girl proceeds to give it a few suckles in her mouth. Um, NO! That shit is NOT right. If a man’s peen goes into a girl’s chocolate hole, why in the holy hell would she then voluntarily put it in her mouth?! DISGUSTING. Then, to top it off, the couple will kiss! Hmm, evidently there is no bigger turn on for a man than a girl who’s breath tastes like shit…literally.
Number two, I don’t care how much a woman is being paid (and it better be A LOT), but why, oh why, would a woman let several different guys jizz all over her face at the same time? These are referred to as “bukkake facials.” I have no clue what the word “bukkake” means, but it’s probably Chinese for “nasty ass sperm.” I mean, I’ve heard that cum does wonders for the skin, but that’s taking it a little too far. The non-porn equivalent of that would be to take cold pancake batter and pour it all over your face. YUCK. And how long do they have to walk around with all that baby gravy running down their chin?
Number three, I don’t like it when the actors are excessively tattooed and/or pierced. Like it’s not enough to look at a naked body, now I have to deal with taint jewelry and tats. If the tattoos suck, then it makes it even worse because I can’t stop thinking, “Why in the world would a woman get a picture of Popeye tattooed on her thigh?!” I find it very distracting and it gets in the way of me getting my groove on.
Number four, I can appreciate that some adult film directors take their work very seriously and they feel the need to have a story line going on, but it’s REALLY not necessary. Does anyone watch porn for the acting? No. Just shut up and have sex. In fact, they can start filming AFTER they’ve already taken their clothes off cause it’s tedious as hell to watch two people undress each other. Just get naked and get down to business.
So, in conclusion, no more ass to mouth, no talking, one guys jizz at a time, get naked quickly and have minimal tattoos & piercings. I think if the adult film industry follows my advice, they could really class up their reputation. Happy fucking!
