The Infamous Christmas Letter
You know those cheesy Christmas letters that people send out every year detailing that their very existence is wonderful and magnificent? Don’t we all just roll our eyes and puke a little in our mouths when we read one? No one’s life is that perfect. My own father is infamous in our family for sending out one of those letters every year, but since I’m single with no children, I’m usually relegated to one sentence…”Brooke still works at _____ and is still living in _____.” Wow, thanks Dad! How about instead of focusing on the things that I did last year, he focuses on what I DID NOT do? I think that makes for an interesting twist to the whole Christmas letter genre.
Here are some things that DID NOT happen to me this year, that I think my dad should highlight. I’m quite proud of them and I know you’ll be proud of me, too, when you read them!
Dear Special Friends,
Brooke is still working as a retail manager and her company did not go bankrupt, as so many retailers have in these tough economic times. She also did not get laid off or fired, like many of her fellow managers this year.
On a personal front, Brooke did not settle for the wrong man and get married, just to say that she’s married. Therefore, she won’t be getting divorced anytime soon, either! She also did not get pregnant out of wedlock (barely) or development any major drug/alcohol problems (excluding white wine/sleeping pills). Her mother and I are SO proud!
Here are some other things that Brooke did not do this year… get arrested, start hooking, molest a child, commit a hate crime, burn down a house, kill anyone (although she may have felt like it at times, ha ha!), act in a porn, hit a kitten, smack a puppy, spit in someone’s food, commit forgery, embezzle money, steal, or lie (alright, maybe just one or two small white lies, but that‘s okay).
As I stated above, Brooke’s mother and I could not be more proud of all the things she did not do this year, and we hope that she continues not to do these things in 2010.
Seasons Greetings,
Roger and Nancy
Brooke, congrats, you really did accomplish a lot of nothing this year. Way To Go! Avoiding jail=epic Pass!
Colleen- Thanks! I do try really hard
This would be much more entertaining to me!! I hate that Christmas letter. Not a big fan of people I dont know knowing my “embellished” business!
Here’s my version…
Dear friends,
Another banner year in the Ingels family. Alex & Carol are pregnant yet again with our 27th grandchild (don’t they know what causes that?) Thank God for their virility, since our two daughters seem incapable of attracting a man who wants to have a long term relationship with either of them. At least they are gainfully employed so that Nancy and I don’t have to support them in their spinsterhood.
The highlight of the year occurred recently, when a rogue squirrel invaded the house and terrorized us for 3 days. After spending thousands of dollars on wildlife experts, we finally discovered that leaving the door open would provide him with the escape he so desperately sought.
We all are healthy and happy, and for those of you who are wondering, I am still eating Wheat Chex for breakfast every day of my life. Happy Holidays!
Love,
Roger & Nancy
Well Kelly, all we know how to do in these rural communities is reproduce. I think that was the comment you made at Thanksgiving. Love the Wheat Chex update!!!
That is the greatest Christmas letter ever!
I actually got the real Christmas letter in the mail today and sure enough, dad wrote EXACTLY what I said he would!
Kelly- Hey, at least you got two sentences in the Christmas letter! And who are you calling a spinster?! My problem is I’M the one who usually gets bored/burned out in a relationship.
Fanboywife- Thank you!
Your kind of letter is so much more interesting! And I REALLY like the list of things that didn’t happen this year… you can get so much more creative with that!
31 is definately too young to be a spinster.
Carol- Thanks!