July 2009 Archives
Chelsea Lately
This is a book review/my favorite TV shows/if I was ever a lesbian, this is who I would give lickings to post. I LOVE Chelsea Handler. I must confess that I had NO CLUE who the hell she was until I saw “Chelsea Lately” for the first time. Now, it’s part of my nightly bedroom routine. I clean my ‘keet’s bird cage, take my melatonin (sometimes with wine, sometimes without), then settle in for a dose of pure comic genius from 10:00pm to 10:30pm on E!.
I’m sooo grateful they moved Miss Handler up a full half-hour, as I am old now and can’t seem to stay awake past 11:00pm on any given night. For those of you who don’t know, Chelsea Handler is a stand-up comedian/actress who was previously featured on the Oxygen Network show “Girls Behaving Badly” and had her own show for a very short lived time period before striking gold as a late night talk show host on the E! Network. She is also a New York Times best-selling author of the book “Are You There Vodka, It’s Me Chelsea?” I own this book and would recommend it to anyone I thought was cool enough to handle the Handler. She also wrote another book called “My Horizontal Life” about all the men she fucked in her twenties and I can’t wait to read it. In fact, I think I am going to petition the Illinois School Board and make sure her books are included as part of the curriculum. I’m sure all parents would be cool with that, right?
Some more reasons I Heart Chelsea are:
1) Her boyfriend is the head of E programming and she freely admits to sleeping with her boss!
2) Her favorite liquor is Grey Goose vodka and lots of it!
3) Her sidekick is a Mexican dwarf named Chewy. If you read my post about how I “adopted” a Mexican orphan named Alejandro, then you would know why I feel she is a kindred spirit!
4) She’s BFF with Jenny McCarthy (who I heart as well, but mainly because she gets to have sex with my crush, Jim Carrey)!
5) She’s REALLY, REALLY funny. EVERY episode of her show is funny. I MEAN IT! WATCH IT!
Relay of Stress
Maybe Not The Best Team Logo...Oops!
For some unknown reason (probably guilt), I decided I just HAD to be team captain of my company’s Relay For Life team this year, which benefits the American Cancer Society. Here are some of the valuable lessons I learned from this experience.
1. If organizing a team and raising money for a cancer charity actually drives you to start smoking again, it may not have been worth it.
2. When stress causes you to have a constant twitch in your left eyelid for two months, it may have not been worth it.
3. If you spend more money organizing a silent auction than what you actually raised at said auction, it may have not been worth it.
4. If you have to start bargaining with your fellow team members to get them to participate, it may have not been worth it.
5. If you have to start adding fake team members to your roster just to have enough people to qualify, it may have not been worth it.
6. If you have to nag and plead other managers in your district to PLEASE raise SOME money, it may have not been worth it.
7. If you thought it was a great idea to have a pirate theme for your team, then buy tons of stuff with skull and crossbones on it, only to realize that a symbol of death is probably not appropriate at an event honoring those that died of cancer, it may have not been worth it.
8. If you realize this event takes place at one of your company’s busiest times of year, thus inducing mild heart palpitations from the added stress, if may have not been worth it.
9. If you have to spent $70 of your own money to register your team and never get reimbursed for that amount, it may have not been worth it.
10. If you are so completely and utterly burned out by the time of the relay that you just want to blow the entire thing off, it may have not been worth it.
Wow, did that list sound a little bitter or what?! Okay, I really do want to sincerely thank all my friends and family who contributed to my team. We raised over $1,000 dollars for cancer research and I’m sure once I drink away the memory of organizing this event, I will participate again next year (just not as the team captain)!
Freedom Fest
2009 Freedom Fest Page 1
2009 Freedom Fest Page 2
With the 4th of July approaching, I’ve been reflecting on the celebrations of my youth. My small hometown puts on a “Freedom Fest” every year and it’s quite the spectacle. Here’s how the agenda for the day would usually go down.
7:00a.m- Wake up and walk across the street to the park to stuff myself full of pancakes and watch the runners come in from the annual 5k race. Is there a better way to celebrate our country’s independence than to wolf down a butt-ton of carbs while watching people have mini-strokes running in 90 degree heat?
12:00p.m.- Line up downtown and get ready to watch the big parade. Or, more accurately, get ready to pounce upon all the candy that will thrown my way and elbow any kid that tries to muscle in on my turf. Lay off, bitches, those Smarties are mine!
2:00p.m.- Go out to the park district and watch the mud volleyball/softball/tractor pull tournaments. It will also be at this time that I devour all the tasty carnie food that is being sold. Cotton candy, onion rings, elephant ears, & lemon shake-ups will be the bulk of my food pyramid.
3:00p.m.- I mentally prepare for the Lion’s Club Penny Scramble. My father is a member, so I always feel I will have the upper hand in searching through the stacks of hay for coins. Yes, I said stacks of hay. There really is no better sensation on a hot summer’s day, than having to (again) elbow a bunch of little kids as we all frantically search through hay for pennies. There is always one coveted silver dollar in the stack. Do you think I ever found it? No. Did I come out feeling morally defeated, with hay stuck to me with my own sweat? Yes.
4:00p.m.- Vomit up all the carnie food I gorged on.
5:00p.m- Go to the Methodist Church’s Ice Cream Social. Because I am now hungry from purging up all my food, I stuff myself again with cherry pie a la’ mode.
6:00p.m- Quick nap in preparation for the evening’s fireworks display.
9:00p.m.- Let the fireworks begin! Now, one might think that a small town would have a shitty fireworks display. Well, think again! The townsfolk work all year to raise the money (I’ve heard it’s hundreds of thousands of dollars) to bring a company in from Chicago to put on the show. It’s AWAZING and draws a huge crowd from all over the state. It’s actually better than most big city displays…Ha!
Sadly, I haven’t been able to make it home in the last few years to truly enjoy the opulence that is Galva’s Freedom Fest, but I am there in my heart. I wish everyone a Happy Fourth of July! Have fun and be safe wherever you celebrate!
“And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free…”
The Sassy Brit
Okay, really this post could be a cross between “Actors I’d Like To F**k” and “Movies I Love” because it really encompasses both. If you don’t know who Simon Pegg is, then I truly feel sorry for you because the man is both a great actor/writer, and also a comic genius. Oh yeah, and he’s British.
I first discovered Simon a few years ago when “Shaun of The Dead” came out. It’s a spoof of “Night of the Living Dead” with a cute little love story thrown in there. He wrote it with his friend and fellow Brit, Nick Frost (who also stars in the film). If you’ve never seen this film, go out and rent it TODAY. It’s awesome and I own it.
I thought Mr. Pegg couldn’t out do himself, but I was oh-so-wrong. “Hot Fuzz” came out a couple of years later and it’s even better than “Shaun of The Dead.” Again, it stars (and was written by) Simon and Nick, but this time they are cops in a small English town where a string of murders are occurring. Its witty, quirky, eccentric and I love it. If you’ve never seen this film, go out and rent it TODAY. It’s awesome and I own it.
The last film I’ve seen Simon in was “Run, Fat Boy, Run.” It’s directed by David Schwimmer (Ross from “Friends”) and it tells the story of a man who is trying to win back his baby momma by competing in a marathon against her current fiancée (played by Hank Azaria). Sadly, Nick Frost does not make an appearance in this film, although a variety of actors from the first two movies have cameos throughout. If you’ve never seen this film, go out and rent it TODAY. It’s awesome and …wait a second. I actually don’t own this movie…yet.
Soup or Salad?
I believe the world is divided into two kinds of people…those who order soup before their meal and those who order salad. I think the soup people should be hunted down like the filthy beasts they are, chopped into tiny, bacon-bit like pieces, then sprinkled on top of salads everywhere.
I feel this way for several reasons. First of all, most soups are disgusting. It’s like eating bits of hot, soggy food. Secondly, if the soup is too hot, then you burn both your tongue AND the roof of your mouth, hence rendering your taste buds useless for at least three days. Third, salad goes well with any season. It’s refreshing in the summertime and filling in the winter. Soup, on the other hand, is really only an acceptable food in the winter. I shudder to think what kind of person would voluntarily eat soup on a 90 degree day in July. Oh, the humanity!
In conclusion, salad people are an amazingly awesome God-like species and soup people are retarded pedophiles. If any soup people feel the need to leave a comment defending their disgusting life choice, I will find out where you live and throw scolding hot soup in your face. Thank you.
