June 2009 Archives
Paranormal State
I’m going to preface this next post by saying I LOVE scary movies. And what’s the next best thing to scary movies? SCARY TV SHOWS! I discovered “Paranormal State” on A&E last year and was instantly hooked. Okay, right off the bat I must confess, this group of Penn State college students who investigate paranormal cases are not the prettiest bunch of people to look at. The founder of the bunch, Ryan Buell, has grown on me in sort of a “nerdy kid I‘d like to corrupt” way, but the others are your classic bookworm types. They are all super smart and definitely know their way around an exorcism.
The houses they have investigated would give Freddy Kruger a mild coronary. Pictures are flying off the walls, weird voices are saying “Get Out!” and it’s made all the more tense because they start their work at 3 a.m or “the dead hour” as they call it. I would give anything to tag along on one of their adventures just to see if I could take it. I’m sure I would be digging my fingernails into the arm of whoever was sitting closest to me while simultaneously relieving myself on the carpet.
And if you are going to watch this show, you MUST do it with all the lights off! It really enhances the whole “yep, I just shit my pants” experience. Try it sometime…IF YOU DARE…[insert Vincent Price evil laugh here]
Celebrity Rapture
Okay, this is getting ridiculous! First, David Carradine passes away, then Ed Macman dies earlier this week, then Farrah and Michael kick it ON THE SAME DAY, and now…Billy Mayes has died! What is going on here?! Is this a sign of the rapture?
Granted, Billy Mays is not exactly in the same category of celebrity as the others, but he was very recognizable as the “Oxyclean” guy. In fact, he pitched many, many products and now all we’re left with is Vince, the douche-bag “Shamwow” guy. He’s not even fit to carry one of Billy’s turds.
We don’t even know yet how exactly Mr. Mays died. Apparently, he had been riding on a plane and the tire blew out as they were landing. A ton of stuff fell on his head, but he appeared fine and went home. Is anyone else getting visions of Natasha Richardson here? Since when is “blunt-force trauma to the head” the #1 killer of B-List celebrities?
I’m on high-alert celebrity watch now. NO ONE IS SAFE! As my friend Val put it so eloquently in a text, “ They are dropping like flies… Patrick Swayzee is next.”
The City Of Go
I’m at my parents this weekend, bonding with the family and relaxing after a very stressful week at work. I always enjoy visting Galva because it’s teeny-tiny (pop. 2,000) and their are so many colorful characters here that we could have twenty different realty shows based on all the drama and scandel. LOVE IT!
Why, just last week alone there was a meth lab bust (AWESOME!) and one of my mother’s tenants tried to kill themselves (luckily, he just popped some pills and all was okay). And of coarse, the second any of these things occur, EVERYONE in town knows about them.
The weirdest thing to happen so far occured last night as my parents, my brother’s family, and myself were all sitting on the front porch. We could hear horns honking in the distance and I saw a red convertable go by with a person sitting on top in the backseat, but I couldn’t tell who it was. A few minutes later, we see them turn down my parents street, still honking, with a little parade of cars behind them all honking. Then, as the convertable drove by, we could see an older lady sitting on top and the driver shouted, “This is the 1947 Football Queen!” The lady waved and we all waved back.
These are the “WTF?” moments that make coming home worthwhile 
R.I.P. MJ
When I was in junior high, a group of my friends and I started a club called the “Cha-oo Posse.” We called it that because we had grown up listening to Michael Jackson and we loved him. I even carved out a white bedazzeled glove in my woodworking class as my final project and I got an A on it. My mom still has it tucked away somewhere. I am going to my parents this weekend and I will dig out my wooden glove, light a candle beside it, and listen to the “Thriller” album until my hearts content.
Moonwalk to that great beyond, Michael… cha-oo. Oh, and Farrah, sucks about you, too.
Admiting The Problem Is The First Step
“Hi, my name is Brooke and I’m addicted to celebrity news.”
I don’t know how things got this bad…it started out innocently enough when I was in high school watching “Entertainment Tonight” and “A Current Affair.” My dad would even watch them with me…it was a way for us to bond. Then, as I got older and with the internet became more and more prevalent, I now have so many ways to score celebrity news, its disgusting.
My typical day is goes something like this. I come home from work and read dlisted and E Online. Then I read people.com, us weekly.com, and tmz.com. By that time, E News comes on the air at 6:00p.m. followed by “The Daily 10.” Jesus, I can’t get enough.
By the time TMZ comes on Fox at 9:30p.m., I’m already shaky and sweating. That calms me down and I go on to watch “Chelsea Lately” at 10:00p.m. were she TALKS about celebrities (okay, makes fun of them) and then I head off to dreamland.
I think I may have to slowly wean myself because there is no way I can go cold turkey. Maybe I can find a support group online. Your prayers and support are needed during this critical time.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Riding Miss Daisy
I have no idea how the hell this happened, but “Daisy of Love” is one of my new favorite shows. I was flipping through the channels one night, looking for something fun to watch, and the powers that be made my remote stop on VH1. It’s been love at first sight ever since.
For those who aren’t familiar with the show, let me break it down for you. Daisy De La Hoya (Oscar’s niece) is the train wreck from a past season of “Rock of Love.” She famously broke the fuck down when Brett Michaels rejected her and made a complete ass of herself. I do believe snot dripped from her nose as she was losing her shit all over the place when Brett told her she was not his true love. It was pretty awesome to watch.
So the producers over at VH1 thought this little lady should have her own show and I applaud their ingenious idea because Daisy is extremely mesmerizing to watch. She looks like a total cum dumpster yet her voice sounds like a little girl’s and it’s a creepy contrast to take in.
She’s also some sort of a musician (of COARSE she is), but I have yet to actually see her sing or play an instrument. And the men they’ve given her to choose from just scream “STD.” In fact, if/when she does have unprotected sex with any of them, I’m sure they would mutate their own special kind of genital warts. Yuck.
But Miss Daisy is fairly enduring because she does wear her heart on her sleeve and she really does fall for EVERY guy on the show in a junior high school kind of way. She’s positively in love with a guy one minute and making out with another guy in the next scene. Girlfriend just can’t seem to make up her damn mind!
It’s okay, Daisy. I’m sure you will find true love this time around and it will probably even last a few months. And if you don’t, I’ll be looking forward to season two of your show.
Humor Bloggers Virtual Road Trip
Some of the bloggers over at humorbloggers.com decided to go on a “virtual road trip,” this summer and now it’s my turn to talk about my adopted hometown. Okay, I’m about to reveal where I live, so for those that don’t already know this info, please don’t hunt me down and stalk me like some crazy psycho. Okay, great!
Welcome to Bloomington-Normal, the “Twin Cities” of Illinois! Let me take you through the life of the average townie. First, you’ll come to B-N to go to college. If your parents are wealthy, you’ll attend Illinois Wesleyan in Bloomington. If your parents are middle-class, you’ll attend the far more affordable, yet not quite as nice Illinois State University in Normal. (Author’s note- I did NOT attend Illinois Wesleyan).
Once you are settled into your studies, you’ll definitely want to blow off some steam by grabbing drinks at a pub downtown. Be careful! The cops are always waiting to give someone a DUI, like they did a few months ago to actor Sam Shepard. Why in the hell he was here and drinking at Fat Jack’s in downtown Bloomington I have no idea, but it happened and we were featured on TMZ!
While you’re at the bar, make sure to eat the nuts because they are made right here in B-N, too! Yes, we are home to the famous Beer Nuts factory!! Actually, you may not want to eat the nuts at the bar because studies show they are covered in urine and fecal matter. Yuck.
Okay, so you can’t spend all your time in B-N eating nuts and drinking. At some point, the college students graduate and need real jobs. How convenient that we are the corporate headquarters to not one, but TWO, major insurance companies!!! State Farm Insurance and Country Insurance are the main employers of EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO LIVES HERE. Three out of four townies works at one of these places. I’m not making this statistic up. I, however, am NOT one of these folks and I’m pretty proud of that fact.
So, you’ve spent a long day selling insurance and need a bite to eat. You’re in luck! B-N has the highest ratio of restaurants per square mile of any city in the U.S. I’m not making that up, either.
After dinner, if it’s summertime, you’ll definitely want to check out The Illinois Shakespeare Festival that we host every year from June to August. Okay, I have to admit, I’ve lived here for ten years, I was a theater major, I lived just blocks from the theater and I’ve NEVER been to Skake’s Fest. EVERY summer I plan to go and it never works out. This year I AM going!
So that’s pretty much Bloomington-Normal in a nutshell. It’s a VERY nice place to live and I‘m happy to call it my adopted home…now go check into a hotel ‘cause I only have a two bedroom apartment and can’t put everyone up for the night.
Oh, and be sure to check out “Confessions of A Reforming Geek” for the next leg of our road trip! And, of coarse, go to humorbloggers.com for the best humor blogs in one convenient location.
Actors I’d Like To F**k: Peter Billingsley Edition
So Cute!
So Hot!
EVERYONE knows actor Peter Billingsley. For those of you living under a rock for the last 20 years, he played Ralphie in the classic film, “A Christmas Story.” I also vividly remember him as “Messy Marvin” in the Hershey Syrup commercials of the early 80’s. He did a shit ton of work as a child actor and the last thing I remember seeing him in when I was young was an after school special “The Fourth Man” where he plays a teen who gets hooked on steroids in order to be on the track team. His performance was riveting. This TV movie also starred a very young Vince Vaughn and the two became best friends and remain so to this day.
As an adult, Peter DID NOT get hooked on drugs and end up a tragic cliché as so many child stars before him have done. He actually became a successful producer and continues to act in small roles. He was in “The Breakup” as one of Vince Vaughn’s character’s friends, and he’s also in “Four Christmas” with him, too. He produced and starred in Vince’s “Wild West Comedy Show” which toured across the country a couple years ago and Peter produced the documentary which chronicled all their shenanigans.
As you can see for yourselves, little Ralphie has turned into a major hottie. Normally, men with eyes that blue can be a bit creepy/Arain-esque, but Peter pulls it off. Now I just have to try really hard not to think of him wearing that pink bunny suit his aunt got him for Christmas
The Wreck
The Setting: $1 Pitcher Night At My Fave College Bar, January 2000
The Characters: Me & My Friend Erica
Act One
I was out drinking, drinking, drinking up those dollar pitchers on a Wednesday night back in college. The semester was a week away from starting and I was enjoying the last few nights of freedom I had until classes started up again.
I was out with several of my friends and we closed down the bar. When it was time to leave, Erica hopped in my car because she lived the closest to me. I was SURE I was okay to drive. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but I got distracted and was looking at Erica, not the road, while we were conversing. The next thing I knew, CRASH…right into a tree.
Act Two
I had run into one of those boulevards that have a divider in the middle with trees on it. I tried backing up my car, but it wouldn’t move. Then, to my left, I see two people running out of their apartment and over to my car.
“Oh, my God! We heard you crash from inside our apartment! Are you okay? Don’t worry, I’m a volunteer EMT and I called 911.” Only I would crash in front of a building where EMTs lived. I started to panic because I knew a DUI was in my near future. Erica was trying to calm me down and all I remember is her saying, “Be cool, be cool.” Within minutes, the street was blocked off by two cop cars, a fire engine, an ambulance and a tow truck. It looked like a fucking ten car pile up had taken place. I mean, was the fire engine really necessary?
The cops asked us to step out of the car. Erica had to climb out my side because her door was crushed. Thank God we were wearing our seatbelts or our heads would have hit the windshield. Probably not hard enough to really hurt us (I wasn’t going THAT fast) but just enough to have a concussion. I had to follow the cops hand with my eyes and take a breathalyzer, which I did NOT pass.
Here’s where I got REALLY lucky. I did NOT, I repeat did NOT get a DUI. I don’t know why, but the cops just gave me two tickets (failure to reduce speed to avoid an accident and improper lane usage) and drove me home. That was it.
Thank you, Town of Normal police officers for saying a big, “fuck you“ to your civic duty and letting me off the hook. I didn’t even have to perform a sexual favor or anything in return. Who says cops are pigs? Oh, and the tree I hit eventually died. I still feel bad about that to this day.
Scummywood
There’s a disturbing trend among young Hollywood and it’s been happening for awhile. I’ve tried to ignore it, but it was blatantly obvious at the recent MTV Movie Awards that I watched on Sunday. I’m referring, of coarse, to the total and utter lack of personal hygiene among the so-called “hotties” of the moment.
The worst offender is Robert Pattinson of “Twilight” fame. I’ve never read the books, I have no desire to see the movie, and after seeing how greasy and unkempt his hair was at the awards, I have no desire to watch him act in anything…ever.
Second runner-up is his co-star Kristen Stewart. Not only does she look like she just woke up, threw on whatever the fuck was wadded up on her bedroom floor and smoked a fat joint before heading out for the day, but she comes across as an awkward & unappreciative little bitch. Enough said.
Come on, you two! You just made a ton of money starring in the biggest blockbuster of the year and you can’t jump in a shower before you strut your stuff on the red carpet. You two make Lindsey Lohan look fresh & clean, and that’s not an easy fete.
There are rumors that Robert and Kristen are dating…kind of brings new meaning to the term “bumping uglies.” YUCK.
