May 2009 Archives
Come Sail Away
A once in a lifetime event just took place and, sadly, I missed out. Yes, I’m talking about the “New Kids On The Block Cruise” which sailed around the Bahamas and back. DAMN IT! When I first heard that the lads from NKOTB where taking to the high seas, I mistakenly thought it was a gay cruise. Nay, it was not.
I’m picturing hoards of overweight, single secretaries in their early to mid-thirties creaming their panties over Joey, Donny, Jordon, John…oh fuck, I can’t even name them all. Anyway, this fiesta totally sold out even though it was outrageously expensive . You KNOW those bitches withdrew from their 401 (k)s to afford that shit.
I will go on the record as saying that I NEVER liked NKOTB. Ever. They made it big while I was in junior high and I had a classmate who would ruin her panties anytime someone talked about them. Her mom even made her a bedazzled denim jacket as a homage’ to the boy band. Don’t get me wrong, I love bedazzeled clothing as much as the next freak, but that shit is taking it too far.
So, first John Mayer had a cruise, then NKOTB, so who’s next. Beyonce? No, I doubt she would want to risk getting her weave wet. Amy Winehouse? Too risky…she’d probably get high and fall off the side of the ship. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what artist would like to endanger their life by taking their craziest/drunkest fans out to sea with no way to escape if one of them gets freaky on their ass. Ahoy, mate!
Dead or Alive?
I’m really bad at keeping up on what celebrities have died. Every year when the Oscars do the “In Memoriam” thing, I’m always shocked at who has passed away. You would think I’d know these things since I read E Online and Dlisted like 20 times a day, but somehow one always manages to slip by me. So here’s a list of actors that are either still kicking it or are twenty feet under. If you know the status of one of them, please leave a comment because I will not sleep until I know the truth. Thank you in advance.
1. Don Knotts- Something tells me he would HAVE to be dead or he’d be 100 years old by now.
2. The guy that played Chris Farley’s dad in Tommy Boy. Yeah, I’m too lazy to Google that shit right now, but you know who I mean. I swear I heard he died, then I saw him on a TV show not too long ago.
3. Carol Channing- Seriously, is this bitch dead yet?!
4. Dom Delouse- Heart attack maybe?
5. Peter Faulk- I thought he died, but then I head he was still alive, just really sick. Look, I didn’t even make a glass eye joke out of respect.
6. The guy from Dallas…what’s his damn name…he played JR Ewing…oh, and he was on “I Dream Of Genie.” Wasn’t he a RAGING alcoholic? I’m thinking his liver finally had enough.
7. The principal from “The Breakfast Club“…the drill sergeant from “Full Metal Jacket”… They were not famous, I know, but they had such memorable roles.
8. Tom Bosley- Is Mr. C with the Big Fonz in the sky?
9. Wilford Brimley- I haven’t seen one of those “Mutual of Omaha’s Life Insurance” commercials he was doing in quite awhile.
10. Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter- Oh, how I wish…
The Dutch Oven
Here’s a familiar scenario…boy meets girl, boy asks girl out on a date, they really like each other and decide to become exclusive, then the girl rips a juicy fart. Okay, maybe that’s not how most dating stories start out, but I’m wondering, when it is finally acceptable to fart in front of your honey? Or is it EVER okay?
I, for one, belong to the school of thought that you should let your freak flag fly early in a relationship so the person knows what they’re getting into. I just see no point in being fake. Where the hell does that get you? I also come from a long line of very gassy individuals and would probably blow up if I tried to hold it all in.
Now, I’m not suggesting you start taking dumps on one another’s chests and roll around in your own waste, but a healthy toot now and then should only strengthen a relationship. One of my ex-boyfriends was fond of farting, then saying, “Did you hear a duck?” Some woman would have been disgusted by that…I found it endearing.
I think one should preferably wait to fart until after the relationship has been consummated. Same goes for peeing, puking, or shitting in front of a sexual partner. Hold off on the uncontrollable stuff until you make them cum a few times. You don’t want to ruin the sexy too early do you?
Karma, You’re A Bitch
When I was in 4th grade, my friends and I started a club and we dubbed it “The Snob Squad.” Yes, we were little bitches. I don’t think the club had any real purpose, other than making us feel cool. And I was a force to be reckoned with. If a member crossed me, then may God have mercy on their soul. I once tore up a fellow member’s card (yes, we made ourselves membership cards) in front of her face in the bathroom and kicked her the fuck out. It was almost mafia-like in a way. Had I known how to use a gun, bitch would have been taken out execution style.
So now I’m sure that karma is repaying me because I’m in danger of being kicked out of a club. Well, not technically a club, but I like being a member of it. Humor Bloggers (not to be confused with Humor-Blogs) has decided that they shouldn’t have allowed people to openly enroll on their website. About a month ago, this site, which you previously had to be voted into, decided to allow any humor blogger to join in an effort to grow their membership. Now they’ve decided that wasn’t such a hot idea, and, like ducks in a row, they will be kicking bloggers out that they don’t feel meet their standards. So now I get to anxiously await and see if I’m funny enough to be in their club. All I have to say is,” Karma, you’re a bitch.”
Affliction Addiction
Why do men of all ages insist on wearing Affliction t-shirts? In case you’re not familiar with the line, I’ve included a few pics. These shirts ONLY look good on twenty year old Goth kids and even then it’s debatable. And PLEASE guys, if you are over the age of twenty-five don’t even THINK about wearing one. You will look ridiculous.
I know a lot of celebrities have adopted this look. Chris Angel, Ozzie Osborne, every WWE wrestler, heavy metal rockers, but the line must be drawn when I’m watching TV and I see RYAN O’NEAL (who is easily in his sixties or seventies) sporting a t-shirt while yelling at the paparazzi to “leave him alone.” Next thing you know, my seventy-three year old dad will be buying them.
Let’s all do our best to end this madness now. If you have a friend who is over the age limit, yet insists on wearing the line, please stage an intervention NOW. They are obviously deep in the throws of their “Affliction Addiction” and don’t realize what complete and total douche bags they look like. Be a good friend, wrestle them to the ground if you must and RIP IT OFF THEIR BODY! They may not thank you now, but they will after they have gone through rehab.
Who Invited THAT Guy?!
My life lately has consisted of bridal showers, baby showers and surprise parties. I’m not kidding, I’ve had at least one of these occur every weekend for the last few weeks. Which brings me to the topic o’ the day…have you ever been to a party and there’s been that weird creepy guest that NO ONE knows? This happened at the surprise party I was at last night.
The party was for my friend Kelly’s 30th birthday party and it was thrown by her husband, Cory. Everything was going along smoothly, drinks were flowing, the grill was fired up…and then Creepy McPervy stumbled drunkenly into the backyard. He looked, how can I say this…a bit rough. The kind of rough were he may have been mainlining heroin for the last ten years whilst simultaneously smoking crack and smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day. Yeah, now that’s rough.
McPervy stopped my other friend’s husband in the kitchen and swore he went to high school with him. Um, no, Creepy, you’re about ten years older than all of us. Then he walked outside with our friends one year old nephew (oh my God, who let him hold a child!) and wanted to pass him off to one of us. Even though none of us really know the kid (and didn’t want to freak him out) we felt he was far better off in our hands than McPervy’s.
I later got the scoop from Cory that he was his older brother’s childhood friend (who WAS NOT invited) and he just sort of showed up. He’s a raging alcoholic and the best part is he’s also a basketball coach at one of the local high schools. NICE! If that piece of human excrement was my kids coach, I would make him quit the team.
Simply Cybill
As my previous post stated, I had a pretty shitty Monday. The cherry on top was the fact that I thought I opened at work and showed up at 9a.m, only to realize I actually closed. That, paired with my ballistic bitch customer, had me feeling very defeated when I finally got home that night. I stopped to grab my mail before I came in and amongst the bills and magazines was a peculiar-looking envelope. My name and address were hand-written and the return address was Studio City, CA. My heart jumped…I knew instantly what it was.
A few months ago I had written to my favorite childhood actress, Cybill Sheperd, and requested a new autographed pic of her. I actually had one when I was little (that had a personalized message for me on it) and to this day, I’m convinced it was stolen by a classmate of mine at my 9th birthday party. That same classmate got knocked up last year by a one night stand…take that, bitch! That’s karma’s way of telling you not to steal autographed pics of Cybill Sheperd!
I raced up to my apartment and carefully opened the envelope (my hands were trembling with excitement by this point) and there it was… my new autographed pic of the one and only Ms. Sheperd. No personal message and she’s not wearing the sassy strapless purple dress with zebra stripes from my first pic, but somehow, it’s enough.
To celebrate the gloriousness that is Cybill, I’m also re-running a post I wrote about “Moonlighting” back in March. Enjoy!
Blue Moon
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Brooke Amanda. She was a happy child, cheeky if you will. One crisp autumn night back in 1987, Brooke’s mother turned to her and said, “There’s a new show premiering tonight that I think you’ll really like. It’s about a detective agency. I’ll even let you stay up past your bedtime to watch it.” Brooke was very excited because she NEVER got to stay up past her bedtime. This must be a really special event. What was the name of the show that would change Brooke’s young life? “Moonlighting.”
Brooke did stay up past her bedtime that night and every Thursday night from then on out. She was absolutely mesmerized by Bruce Willis and Cybill Sheperd as detectives David Addison and Maddie Hayes. Those two had a tumultuous and sexually charged relationship that little Brooke couldn’t get enough of back then. She wanted to BE Maddie Hayes. All she’d have to do was grow up to be a gorgeous blonde who wore fabulous designer dresses all the time. How hard could that be?
Brooke plastered her tiny bedroom with pictures of the two actors and she even wrote a fan letter to Ms. Shepherd, who was gracious enough to send little Brooke an autographed postcard back. Never mind the fact that some bitch at her 9th birthday party stole it from her room and to this day she is bitter about the whole thing; it was still a really nice gesture from such a famous star.
Brooke considered becoming a private detective for a while so she could go on zany capers just like Maddie and David. She also wanted to have a love-hate relationship with a wacky male counterpart that was filled with sexual tension. David and Maddie’s relationship would set the standard for how Brooke wanted her romances to be.
To Brooke’s dismay, once David and Maddie finally consummated their relationship, the show went downhill. The chemistry they once shared was gone and the show, like Brooke, just never recovered. Brooke even remembers having a lengthy/inapporpriate/awkward conversation with her mother about how those two should have never slept together. So boys and girls, the moral of the story is, if you find someone in your life that you can verbally spar with, don’t fuck them. The End.
When Fuck Buddies Attack, Part One
At some point in one’s life, you may have a “fuck buddy.” This is a person you do NOT want to date…you simple want to have sex with them. I don’t judge anyone that chooses to take a fuck buddy because I had one for a few months myself. I certainly didn’t start off looking for that, but what can I say, my hormones won over.
I started to date a guy who I quickly found out was a bit immature for his age. He was a nice guy, attractive and somewhat intelligent, but he was also still partying with twenty year olds every weekend (he’s 33 yrs old) and didn’t have a full-time job. Which meant, I got to pay for our dates (AWESOME!) or we split the bill or we just didn’t go out. After a month of this (and other issues I won’t get into) I was done. I ended things and that was that.
But…the sex was really good. So, long story short (and a few dirty texts later) I had him come over for a nooner. And so began our fuck buddy relationship. I was VERY CLEAR in the beginning as to what I wanted…sex with NO strings attached. This is where I think I should have been born a guy because I can easily separate sex from emotion and all I wanted was to call him up a couple times a week, cum like a banshee, and get back to my life. I mean, I have a blog to write, damn it! I didn’t even care if either one of us chose to date other people. Totally fine by me.
My married guy friend thought this arrangement was AMAZING and I would regale him with tales of our trysts. It was so fun, I was very happy and I was finally getting my freak on after a long dry spell. What single man wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement? Well, apparently, I got THE ONE GUY who had a problem with this. He started to get clingy, he wanted me to spend the night, he would want to cuddle and talk afterwards and I just wanted to get dressed and get him the hell out of my place. I started to feel like I was the guy in this situation and he was the big, fat Vagina McVaginastein.
I think I somehow hurt his feelings by not wanting anything more than sex and I’m sure I did treat him like a human sex toy, but was that so wrong? When did guys turn into overly emotional girls?
Here Comes The Funk
I’ve come to a major decision in my life that I would like to share with you all. I’m going to stop grooming myself. It’s just too much work! When I think of all the countless hours I’ve spent putting on makeup, tweezing, waxing, fixing my hair, shaving various parts of my body…well, frankly I’m exhausted. I could have gotten my PhD in the time it’s taken me since puberty to make myself look half-way presentable to the world.
I realize that not grooming myself will have a few drawbacks. I think the lack of showering will probably be the worst, but I do work in a store that sells a ton of scented body products, so I’ll just have to layer those on extra thick. I’ll also have to come to terms with the fact my eyebrows will resemble Frida Kahlo without their daily tweezing and my legs will start to look like Chewbacca, but hey, all that hair will keep me nice and warm in the winter, right?
And who cares if I don’t ever get asked on a date again? The last few guys I dated have all been one big hot mess and I’m pretty much better off staying single. I own porn and several vibrators so I’m all good to go!
All right, wish me luck on day one of no grooming. Let’s see how long I can stand my own funk before I give in to the lure of soap and water 
