2009 Archives
Happy Tacky New Year!
New Year’s Eve is tomorrow…what are your plans? For the last few years (or, as long as they’ve been married) my friends, Samantha & Travis, have thrown a party at their house because it’s also Travis’s birthday. Yeah, how bad does it suck to have your birthday on New Year’s Eve? That’s second only to having it on Christmas and just ahead of the 4th of July. Thank God mine is just past Labor Day or I’d be screwed, too!
Anyway, that fact that they have a party at their house is beneficial to me in several ways. First of all, they have three bathrooms, so I never have to wait in line. That is FANTASTIC because I inherited my mom’s bladder, which is the size of a pea.
Secondly, I can get REALLY drunk and just crash at their place, thus not having to worry about driving home or getting a taxi. And I swear, the bed in their guest room is the most comfortable mattress on the face of the earth. I feel like I’m an angel sleeping on a cloud whenever I stay there.
Third, everyone drinks for free because Travis built his own bar complete with a Kegerator in their basement! Yeah! Do you know how ridiculously expensive it is to drink at a bar on New Year’s Eve?! You damn near have to dip into your 401 (k) just to cover the tab.
Lastly, this year will be amazing because the theme is “Tacky Christmas Sweaters.” There will be a vote on who has the tackiest sweater of them all, and I’m sure an awesome prize will be given out as well. Since my mom felt insulted when I asked her if I could have one of her tacky sweaters to wear, I’m going to have to do some power shopping to find a beauty. I MUST win!
So boys and girls, no matter what you do this New Year’s Eve… be safe, be happy, and above all else, be tacky! And for God’s sake, kiss SOMEONE at the stroke of midnight!
“Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ? Should old acquaintance be forgot, and old lang syne ?”
An Open Letter To Charlie Sheen
Dear Charlie,
Hey man, how’s it going? I’m guessing not well based on the fact you got your ass arrested and thrown in jail on Christmas for allegedly holding a knife to your wife’s throat and threatening to kill her. Ouch. I understand that your baby momma was legally drunk at 8:30 in the morning (CLASSY) and probably had it coming, but still… this is getting embarrassing.
Charlie, I think you just need to stop getting married and stop procreating. Do you really need to be populating the planet with your crazy genes?! You already had THREE kids by two previous women and you really felt the need to have twins with this crazy bitch, who by the way has my same name? Don’t think for a second I’m not pissed that Brooke Mueller is desecrating the name Brooke for all of us!
Why don’t you just concentrate on your acting career, which right now consists solely of “Two And A Half Men,” and help that kid who plays your nephew slim down the chunk because he is getting FAAAAT. Maybe help your dad, Martin, do some political stuff or help your brother, Emilio, find ANY sort of an acting role since I don’t think I’ve seen him on film since “The Mighty Ducks.” I know you can do it , Charlie! I have faith in you!
Stay Away From Those Crazy Bitches,
Brooke Amanda
Tina Fey Syndrome
Have you ever heard of a phenomenon called “The Tina Fey Syndrome?” Basically, this is when a man finds a girl sexy because she wears small, rectangular shape eyeglasses similar to the kind that have become Fey’s trademark. Since I don’t need glasses to correct my vision, I’ve never had the chance to experience this firsthand…until today.
On a whim, my friend and I decided to buy fake glasses after seeing them on a girl that works for us and trying on her pair. They were cute, looked good, and, most importantly, they were cheap. So we popped on down to “Icings,” ’tween store extraordinaire, and tried on several pairs until we each picked ones we liked. My friend chose a black pair with rhinestones on the sides and I chose a pair in my favorite color, purple. We were both working the next day, so we agreed to wear them together.
At first it felt weird to have them on because I felt like I was looking at the world through a window. Then, all I wanted to do was look down and to the sides because I could see the frames. After about an hour, I got used to them and once customers started strolling in, their reactions were amazing.
I am not exaggerating in any way when I write that EVERY customer was super-duper nice to me. And when it’s right before Christmas and all people want to is finish their shopping and go home, no one is ever nice. I even felt like people were seeking me out to help them. It’s like the purple frames were calling to them like moths to a flame. They really listened to what I was saying, and when I had to tell them we were sold out of certain products, they all acted like it was no big deal. WOW.
And don’t even get me started on the men! Yes, they were in shopping for their wives and girlfriends, but I was feeling some good vibes from quite a few of them. They were flirty and sweet and ALL of them made and held eye contact with me during the entire time I was helping them. And I wasn’t the only one who noticed the “Tina Fey Syndrome” in action. When my friend got into work, she said her husband was ALL OVER HER after she tried her glasses on for him. It’s like the glasses hold some magical power over the peens of men everywhere!
Is it really this easy?! Is the answer to all of life’s problems solved in the form of a $10 pair of plastic spectacles? Maybe, maybe not…but I’ll be stocking up on every pair that “Icings” has on display, just in case.
The Word On The Street
Some things should just be left alone. Case in point, a few years ago I bought a book called, “The Word On The Street,” which is written by a man named Rob Lacey. According to his book jacket, he is “an internationally known writer and performer.” Yeah, never heard of him. Anyway, Lacey attempts to translate the Bible into “today’s language- gritty, earthy, and witty.” Um, no. More like convoluted, disjointed, and crappy. EPIC RELIGIOUS FAIL.
Even though I’m agnostic, I was raised by parents who made us go to church & Sunday school EVERY Sunday, so I know the Bible (kind of) and can still quote many passages. Just to give you an idea of how crappy “Word On The Street Is,” here’s how Rob summed up Christ’s birth:
“Top angel, Gabriel, picks up his work order for the day. It reads, “Destination: Nazareth. Contact: Mary Davidson. Message: ‘God’s Holy Spirit will get you pregnant with his Liberator.’ Mary can hardly believe it- she’s a virgin: how’s she to have a baby?! But she hears him out, realizes the privilege and goes for it. She’s ecstatic. Joe, her fiancée’, isn’t! The only sane conclusion: she’s been sleeping around. But a second visit from Gabriel persuades Joe to face the flack from the family and look after his love and her miracle child, Jesus. Meanwhile, on the political front…”
Wow…that was so gritty I feel like I’m living in Compton now. Actually, I feel like I need a shower because Rob managed to make God’s “Liberator” sound like his f**k stick. And since when does Joseph go by Joe? And I thought Mary Magdalene was the one who slept around, not the Virgin Mary! I don’t even believe in any of this and I’m pissed off! Way to take something sacred & holy and shit all over it, Rob.
Now, in the spirit of Christmas (and to redeem myself just in case I’m wrong about the whole “God doesn’t exist thing“), here’s the REAL Bible verse. I like to think of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” while reading it…
Luke 2: 4-14
“And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the city of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which was called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be enrolled with Mary his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to be delivered. And she gave birth to her first-born son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.
And in that region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, “Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will come to all the people; for to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a babe wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying a manger.” And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God saying,
“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whom he is pleased!”
Gifts of Christmas Past
Since my heart has been blackened from my years in retail, I must look to my past to remember a time when Christmas was actually a joyous experience. A simpler time, when I would lay awake all night on Christmas Eve just thinking about what gifts I would open the next day. Sometimes I kind of knew what I was getting and other times it was a complete surprise.
One of my all-time favorite gifts was, in quintessential 80’s fashion, a cabbage patch kid. I wanted one SOOOO badly, as did almost every girl my age. I ended up with four altogether, but I’ll never forget my first. Her name was Marla Jolla (yeah, I DID NOT pick that name) and she had long brown hair that was tied in two braids. I LOVED HER. My mom bought patterns and sewed outfits for her. I even had a little cheerleaders uniform for Marla that matched my school’s uniforms. I took my adoptive parent’s pledge quite seriously and Marla still lives with my parents (her grandparents) to this day. My mother, a University of Illinois alumni, eventually had an Illini outfit made for her and she’s displayed in their computer room.
Another great gift I received was a “Disco Barbie.” That was not her real name, but it fit her well. This Barbie was smoking hot! She had a tan, and came dressed with a gold lame’ hot pants outfit. Her hair was a dark blonde color and it had streaks of gold throughout it. Yeah, I would catch her and my Ken doll in compromising positions all the time 
.
As I got older, the gifts I received became a bit more sophisticated. When I was in 8th grade, I got a Nintendo Gameboy! I was not expecting it and was beside myself with excitement. Now, this was not the sleek Gameboy with color screens that they have out now. No, this behemoth of a game was big & awkward, and required two hands at all times to hold it. I think it also operated on twelve D-size batteries. The screen was black and white and the games were large square things that you stuck in the back of the Gameboy.
The games I received with it were Tetris (of course) & Super Mario (of course). I spent the next two months trying to rescue Princess Daisy, to the point my thumbs would hurt from pressing the buttons too hard. I’ll never forget the first time I actually made it all the way to the end. I felt like I’d just won Olympic gold! I’m proud to say that the Gameboy was passed down to my nephews, who played it when they were young (and until they got the newer, better version).
Yes, Christmas is better when you’re a kid and someday when I have my first child, I’m hoping to relive all that excitement again through their eyes. Until then, I’ll just have my memories.
The Bitch Is Back…
Once upon a time, I had a friend named Shopgirl who wrote a blog detailing all her funny stories about working in retail. The blog was called “Mall Rats” and it has been on hiatus for awhile. Well, this joyous holiday season has stirred Shopgirl out of her slumber and what can I say…the bitch is back. Click on the link above to see what retail antics Shopgirl has been dealing with this past month. Enjoy!
The Infamous Christmas Letter
You know those cheesy Christmas letters that people send out every year detailing that their very existence is wonderful and magnificent? Don’t we all just roll our eyes and puke a little in our mouths when we read one? No one’s life is that perfect. My own father is infamous in our family for sending out one of those letters every year, but since I’m single with no children, I’m usually relegated to one sentence…”Brooke still works at _____ and is still living in _____.” Wow, thanks Dad! How about instead of focusing on the things that I did last year, he focuses on what I DID NOT do? I think that makes for an interesting twist to the whole Christmas letter genre.
Here are some things that DID NOT happen to me this year, that I think my dad should highlight. I’m quite proud of them and I know you’ll be proud of me, too, when you read them!
Dear Special Friends,
Brooke is still working as a retail manager and her company did not go bankrupt, as so many retailers have in these tough economic times. She also did not get laid off or fired, like many of her fellow managers this year.
On a personal front, Brooke did not settle for the wrong man and get married, just to say that she’s married. Therefore, she won’t be getting divorced anytime soon, either! She also did not get pregnant out of wedlock (barely) or development any major drug/alcohol problems (excluding white wine/sleeping pills). Her mother and I are SO proud!
Here are some other things that Brooke did not do this year… get arrested, start hooking, molest a child, commit a hate crime, burn down a house, kill anyone (although she may have felt like it at times, ha ha!), act in a porn, hit a kitten, smack a puppy, spit in someone’s food, commit forgery, embezzle money, steal, or lie (alright, maybe just one or two small white lies, but that‘s okay).
As I stated above, Brooke’s mother and I could not be more proud of all the things she did not do this year, and we hope that she continues not to do these things in 2010.
Seasons Greetings,
Roger and Nancy
An Open Letter To Holiday Shoppers
Dear Holiday Shopper:
Well hello there! I haven’t seen you since last Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or whatever holiday brings you into my store at this magical time of year. You are not my regular customer, who knows our products and where to find them like the back of their hand. No, you are coming into my store to buy a gift for our loyal shoppers. You look weary, you have a list in your hand, painstakingly written with all the goodies you need to buy your loved ones so they think you care. And that’s where I come in… to help you make the perfect purchase. But let me give you some tips so we can all make this process a little smoother.
Number one, I am NOT your personal shopper. Yes, I will show you where to find the right product, but you are not the only customer in my store. That means I have to help EVERYONE, not just you. You are perfectly capable of picking up a product and seeing how much it costs. Please don’t just point to product after product and ask me how much it is. You are also capable of smelling all the products for yourself. I DO NOT need to open every bottle of lotion we sell and hold it up to your nose. Are your hands broken? I think not.
Number two, if you are going to come to the mall on a Saturday, please think of your fellow shoppers and leave your kids at home. DO NOT bring a giant stroller into our already crowded store, then get pissed that you can’t easily maneuver it around. That is YOUR problem, not ours. Also, no one wants to hear your baby screaming. Holiday shopping is already tense enough without adding ear-piercing shrieks to the mix. Try picking your child up and comforting them, instead of just ignoring their cries for help.
Number three, PAY WITH CASH, CREDIT OR DEBIT. DO NOT WRITE CHECKS! They take too much time to write and there is a line piling up behind you. If you must write a check, start filling it out while I’m ringing everything up. Do not aimlessly stare at me, wait to hear the total, THEN get your damn checkbook out. It’s the little things people!!! Am I asking too much?!
Number four, when there is only a week left until Christmas DO NOT get mad at me because we are sold out of something. It’s not my fault that everyone else was more organized than you and actually bought their presents in a timely manner. You also don’t need to tell me to order more, because that’s not at all how our system works. We don’t “order” anything, dumbass. Oh, and guess what? The point of having seasonal products is so that we sell out of them before Christmas. Duh! Maybe I’ll come to your place of business sometime and tell you how to run things…does that sound like fun? No? THEN SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Number five, my store is not your house. Please put things back where they belong. I am not your mother or your maid. Thank you.
Above all else, be nice to me and my staff. As tired and grumpy as you may be running around and dealing with last minute Christmas shopping, remember that we have been dealing with THOUSANDS of crazed customers for the last month. We’ve been on our feet, working extended hours, dealing with hundreds of boxes of shipment, making complicated schedules, training dozens of new associates and all the while doing it with a smile on our faces (however fake and forced those smiles may be by now). Remember folks, kindness is the only thing you don’t have to pay for this holiday season.
Let’s just get through this next week, okay?
Sincerely,
Brooke Amanda
Random Thoughts From A Funny Stranger…
I received this forwarded email the other day from my friend Dane’. Normally, I don’t read forwards, but this was hilarious. I kept laughing out loud as I was reading it, then felt stupid because I was laughing out loud with no one there to witness it. I wish I knew the author’s name so I could give him credit for his masterpiece! Just to be clear…I DID NOT WRITE THIS, THESE ARE NOT MY ORIGINAL THOUGHTS AND I’M NOT TRYING TO PLAGERIZE ANYTHING. Okie-dokie, with that said… enjoy!
Random Thoughts of the Day:
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
That’s enough, Nickelback.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories
Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Those Little Red Buckets…
As I step out of my car, I can hear a familiar sound echoing in the distance. It starts out faintly, but as I walk towards the store, it gets louder and louder. I start to get those nervous butterflies in my stomach and I am now breaking out in a cold sweat. The sound of jingle bells grows louder and louder with each step. Is that Santa working those bells? Hell no. It’s some pissed off guy, who’s freezing, standing beside a Salvation Army bucket.
I am now about eight feet away from Mr. Jingles. I HATE this part more than anything. There is no way I can get into the store without walking directly by him. I tell myself, “Don’t make eye contact. Just keep your head down and keep walking.” I can feel Jingles judging me, as his gaze burns a hole in my winter coat. He purposefully starts ringing his bell even harder as I walk by. He says, “Merry Christmas!,” but I know he’s really saying, “Screw you for not putting any money in my bucket, bitch!”
Dear God, how many times do I have to relive this scenario in the course of a holiday season?! Those freaking buckets are EVERYWHERE! If I donated to every single one that I passed by while running errands and shopping, I would be broke. This year, I decided to take a stand and only donate to the one at my grocery store. I decided that, no matter what, I would give them something every time I was there. So, like most people, I take a $1 bill and fold it over enough times to where it looks like I’m actually giving a whole stack of money. Suckers!
Seriously though, does the Salvation Army need to stake people out at EVERY Schnuck‘s, Cub Foods, Jewel, Walgreens, CVS Pharmacy, Macy’s, Carson’s, JC Penney’s, Sears, Best Buy, Big Lot’s, Sam’s Club, Target, Wal-Mart, Meijer’s, K-Mart (okay, you get the idea), within a 10 mile radius of where I live? Have they heard of something called “overkill?” I would be more apt to give a few big donations instead of pulling my dollar trick, if they would ease up and put out less buckets. And who are they getting to ring those bells? I’m really starting to think some people had a community service obligation they needed to fulfill from a past DUI/petty crime conviction because they DO NOT look happy to be there.
I would also like a present of some sort for my donation. Nothing fancy, possibly a tiny candy cane or a Hershey’s kiss, just something so that I know the Salvation Army really appreciates my dollar. And maybe they could stop with the bell ringing altogether. I mean, we can SEE you! You’re loitering in front of a tall red bucket contraption IN FRONT of the door I need to walk in, for Christ’s sake! Do my ears need to be assaulted with incessant ringing, too?! I think not.
In summation, Salvation Army, you need fewer buckets, more presents to give away, and less bell ringing. I have every confidence that this fine organization will take my suggestions to heart and turn things around in time for next year. In the meantime people, keep your heads down and DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!
